Kepner's clone-sisters arrive to prepare for her wedding to Matthew, which is totally not gonna happen

By Annie Barrett
December 06, 2013 at 04:40 AM EST
ABC
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“Man on the Moon” introduced us to April’s three insufferable sisters: Dopey, Dumpy, and Drunky. They still call her Ducky, because she was an ugly duckling as a child. How terribly cruel. Can’t they see she’s a freaking kick-ass surgeon? Or in terms that would actually resonate with them — can’t they see she’s a beautiful swan with well-conditioned hair who has HAD SEX BEFORE?

Boom! They’re out of the wedding (that is not going to happen). April announces at her shower that Mer, Yang, and Arizona will be her bridesmaids instead. Cut to Mer, Yang, and Arizona completely not caring. Ha!

It’s all for the best. The April clones are clueless about most things — the mouthiest, most-cheated-on one told Arizona, “I have a cat at home who lost a leg. Every time I see him hopping around, I think that is real strength” — but at least they had the good sense to swoon violently, like fish flopping on the shore, as soon as Jackson Avery sweeps into the frame with his green eyes, handsomeness, and keen sense of responsibility. (“We’re on call,” he says out loud.) Forget that pesky, hunky EMT — there’s a doctor in the house!

On their way out of the coffee shop/petting zoo, Matthew and Jackson end up having to work together on an emergency patient who’d been fighting for a taxi that might not even have been rightfully his, who knows, who cares? We get a nice, albeit random shot of Jackson’s shiny-jeaned butt as the two April-lovers hover over the hippie; then Matthew performs a rush tracheotomy on his neck.

Jackson yells at Matthew in front of the April clones as if Matthew had trached the hippie all wrong, but later admits to April during a sexual tension bypass surgery that Matthew’s technique had actually been fine and he’d have done the same, totally heroic thing. Then he tells Matthew for the second time that he’d done it wrong. Huh? Oh, and Matthew insists to Jackson that April would really want him at their not-happening wedding, so he should come.

Got all that?

NEXT: That’s not the sort of ‘live stream’ Yang had in mind… “I can’t believe you yelled at Matthew in front of my sisters — now they’re gonna think I’m engaged to a nitwit,” April huffs to Jackson. Interesting that she only ever says they’re engaged, in the present, instead of that they’re getting married, in the future. But they’re obviously not getting married! We all know that. Everyone knows except April.

Intern Shane is so spontaneous and responsive…. in bed. With Cristina. (It feels wrong, all this Smash sex. I keep fondly remembering Cristina in bed lovin’ all up on Owen…and even Burke. Weird?) Too bad Meredith has to deal with the negative side effects of his freshly amped-up edginess. She and Cristina continue to wage war as Mer questions whether Yang’s “supervision” has made Shane aggressive and mean. “He spends a lot of time under your service,” she remarks. Mer, you have no idea. Remember when you and your person used to talk about sex at the exclusion of all other topics? Remember the morning jogs, the slutty mistakes, the dancing? I wish these two would crawl back into bed together again. It’s bumming us out.

Intern Shane truly has gone too far: It’s one thing to be a loose cannon in bed; it’s another to set up a live stream of your attending’s groundbreaking surgery without even consulting her. But they’re a teaching hospital, Owen reminds Cristina, and so what the scrubs at UCLA and Baylor want, the scrubs at UCLA and Baylor get. Baby Nathan will get 3D-printed heart conduit liiiiiiiiive, on camera.

The conduit’s a little smaller than she’d anticipated (WHY WOULD SHE PROCEED?!?!?!?!) (and isn’t the whole point of Mer’s new toy that it spits out exact measurements of things?), but Yang improvises with a triangular cut. But once baby Nathan’s heart rate monitor starts going berserk, she finally cuts off filming privileges. We can see it in her eyes that she doesn’t think the conduit’s going to be a success in there. By episode’s end, it seems Nathan might be okay — but I doubt this is over. I mean, the sheep died…..

NEXT: By the way, there’s a sheep Ah, yes. We’re treated to a lovely shot of livestock innards as Meredith and Intern Steph also film themselves putting a portal vein into a sheep. I shudder to think again of Steph’s attention-grabbing antics in front of the camera, which are so embarrassing for everyone involved (the surgeons, the writers, any audience of any kind) that I don’t even think I want to describe them. Is she serious? Is she 7? That one is turning into quite the buffoon. The dancing, I sort of get (remember Meredith’s “dance or you’re fired” mandate from season 9), but the rest of Steph’s gloating and showiness? Yikes.

Anyway, the sheep is not meant for this world — it distended, dropped pressure, and flatlined, much like Intern Steph’s spirit when she finds this out. How will they change the face of medicine now? I like Meredith’s reply to her here and feel like it can apply to all of life, really: “That’s what progress looks like: a bunch of failures. And you can have feelings about that, because that’s sad. But you can’t fall apart.” One day they’ll succeed. They may want to feed that 3D printer a sugar cube or something first, though. It should be kept as satiated as possible, lest it lash out. That thing is a menace.

Alex’s heroin addict dad, Jimmy, returns to the hospital, looking to detox and refusing methadone this time. Jo refuses at first to treat him, but Owen reminds her Jimmy had heart surgery at the hospital less than three months ago. Plus, he’s her patient. Plus, what else is she going to do on Grey’s Anatomy? Jo is there for Alex and Alex alone! (Okay, and sometimes Webber when he gets that bored.)

“Hey, son,” Jimmy mutters forcefully towards Alex, who’s shocked he knows who he is. “I didn’t remember ’til I saw you pissed off, standing over me like when you were 15 and you said you wished I was dead,” dad replies, conveniently providing the back story to any viewers who hadn’t been researching this for 10 seasons. Jimmy promises he’s been trying to get clean since that night they fought in the bar. He starts hallucinating from withdrawal, thinking he’s back at home in the past, just waiting to wail on his son and wife if only he could find them. Eventually, in search of his car keys, he hurls Jo against the wall, after which Alex hurls Jimmy back at the wall because he’d been lurking in the background like Batman.

“I started running interference for [my parents] when I was 6,” Alex tells Jo. “He’s a junkie; she’s crazy.” I shudder again, and would like to pause here and give Karev some credit for turning out as well as he did.

NEXT: Do I have OCD if I like to wipe all the Cheeto dust from my keyboard before recapping? Dr. Webber spends a few so-lonesome-it’d-drive-him-to-drink minutes at home, then wheels right back into the hospital to great fanfare. He tells Bailey about feeling his brain cells wither and die after watching too much reality TV (we’ve all been there!), then unknowingly corrupts Bailey’s anti-OCD suture test by cleaning up the mess on her tool table, like any responsible surgeon would.

It’s great to see guest star Illeana Douglas as the psychologist helping (or from Bailey’s point of view, tormenting) Bailey overcome her obsessive tendencies. I currently think of her as sexy mortician Angela because I’ve been watching Six Feet Under lately, but she’s great in everything and she’s been in, like, practically everything. Always a pleasure.

FINALLY Bailey agrees to take her OCD medication after a heart to heart with Webber, who reminds her that as an alcoholic, he’s had to face the non-televised reality that he has a disease and it can’t be cured, but it can be managed. “Accept that you have a disease, baby,” he purrs as Kendrick Lamar sings “I’m Dying of Thirst.” She takes the pills right as he speaks of “money and power.” They’re what hospitals are all about.

Another perk of hospitals: Research! Derek and Callie become frustrated with their brain-mapping test subject Becca, who’s developed quite the defeatist attitude as she fails to use her brain to will a mechanical hand to move. Callie’s ready to give up, but Derek’s not. Maybe he just hasn’t found the right thing to tell her.

“She shows up every day. She is trying,” Derek reminds Callie, who’s frustrated with Arizona but more importantly at herself. Much like Becca, Callie is just so sick of fighting all the time, she says. Derek gazes intently into the water bottle Callie wishes was gin instead, and a light bulb goes off. He shall turn it into gin! No. He needs to take what Becca really longs to do — connect with her partner again and do things for him — and find a way for that to compel her instead of mere directives from him, like “lift a finger” or “get a drink.” When you’re thirsty, the physical steps required to obtain a beverage just come naturally.

Derek asks Becca to look at her husband and just think about what she wants to say to him. It works! The high-tech BioHand outstretches its fingers one by one. We have made contact!

“Oh, Becca, you touched me. I never thought you’d do that again.” Callie weeps for her own love. And when she gets back to her home state, she’s not interested in another fight with Arizona about how they’re fighting. Just as Arizona protests, “Everything I say seems to piss you off…” Callie pulls her in for a deep kiss. “I think talking may be the problem.”

TOUCHING RULES. The end.

What’d you think of “Man on the Moon”?

Discuss!

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Meredith. Alex. Bailey. Arizona. The doctors are definitely in on Shonda Rhimes' hospital melodrama.
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