Gossip Girl recap: Class Warfare

School’s back in session, Gossipers. And if we’re all being honest with ourselves, this really is the best setting for our gang, isn’t it? The return to a natural habitat gave Blair her bite back, made Nate grow a backbone, and proved that Serena hadn’t lost all patented ability to backstab. Productivity really does rise when we’re not worrying about our libidos, doesn’t it? On to the episode…

There are some things in life you just need: air, water, a housekeeper to press your ‘refresh’ button, and some R&R (to have a little cosmetic work done). Gossip Girl was doing the latter at the start of last night’s episode. “Under construction,” the site said, much to Blair’s chagrin. But as Wise Gay Teen pointed out, “The site says ‘Under construction,’ not ‘Out of service.'” Later on, we’d be glad the site wasn’t gone for too long… (P.S. – Welcome back, Eric. My, your shirt is pink.)

Over at Bed, Bass, and Beyond, Chuck (with bed head…awww) woke up to find his foreign fornication buddy, Not Blair, gazing at out at his “magnificent” world. Look, we get it. She’s sweet, naïve, humble, and enjoys cityscapes — but she really needs to get the hell out. This French-bred is stale; shouldn’t Chuck be bored by now?

To his credit, Chuck made an effort to change his ways, and had gone back home to show his family how he’d changed. I gather the façade will be more believable if he totes around his souvenir for little while longer. Next time, try a key chain, Bass.

Chuck really needed all the help he could get to look good in this episode, though, what with Wise Gay Teen walking around making him look bad. (Eric told Rufus about how Chuck tried to rape Jenny back in season 1.) In a way, the Chuck/Jenny storyline was — much like Gossip Girl — under construction tonight, repairing plot holes. It had seemed as thought the writers’ had all but forgotten this little factoid last season, so it was nice for them to try and make amends.

More importantly, Eric’s confession to Rufus about Chuck and Jenny’s past led to many problems for Chuck and almost led to the demise of his relationship with Not Blair at a party during Fashion’s Night Out, this week’s party of convenience, perfect for climactic plot points.

But before all that blew up in his face, Not Blair almost left Chuck for an entirely different reason: She wasn’t going to fit into his world. [Tiniest violin begins to play a tune fit for a Disney movie soundtrack.] This was pointed out to her ever-so-eloquently by Blair, in a series of zingers that likely had long-time Gossip fans cheering the return of their fearless, sharp-tongued leader. But even Blair’s valiant effort wasn’t enough to keep the homewrecking strumpet down for long, thanks mostly to a pep talk from Chuck. Seriously, pep talks? Peasants for pleasure pets? Who ARE you, Chuck, Dan Humphrey?

Speaking of Daddy Dan, he’s not a daddy. Milo was not his after all, and with GeorGINA still gone (in St. Bart’s, apparently), Dan weighed his options. He contemplated taking the baby to social services, but changed his mind, opting instead to take on dual baby duty with Vanessa. I imagine if the baby’s train of thought could be heard (in a Bruce Willis voice, of course), he would have piped up, “Please, I’ll take my chances with the feds. Maybe they won’t put me in the same wool hat every week. It’s summer, asshats.”

NEXT: Whatever happened to Baby Milo?

Nonetheless, Dan and Vanessa’s plans to play house came crashing down when GeorGINA showed up from her vacation, armed with a ridiculous story about how she got into the predicament. See if you can follow along: A man named Sergei got all up in her GeorGINA. She wound up knocked up, and Sergei’s scary wife put out a hit on her. She fled, and until Dan signed the birth certificate, she was going to die. In the end, Georgina took Milo, leaving Dan with Vanessa. Poor Milo. Hell, poor Dan.

At Columbia, Blair and Serena sought entrance to an exclusive/secretive social club — because the lives of the rich are really only lived in a series of secret societies, didn’t you know? But once they arrived at the Hamilton House, they discovered Juliet was the keeper of the keys, and she “only had one left,” which is just bitch-talk for, “Of course there are more, but one of you is outta luck.” Blair was the fortunate recipient, and Serena put on her best brave-friend face — while still pouting, but it might just be that her face is just stuck that way.

Juliet continued to try fracturing Serena’s relationship with Blair by telling her that Blair had called the selection committee and told them about the sex tape with Pete (the guy who died of a cocaine overdose in season 1). Juliet’s lie didn’t work. Serena and Blair recorded a video of them fighting and “streamed it” on Gossip Girl at the Fashion’s Night Out party. When Juliet hooked it up to giant TV screens, they revealed the fight was fake — which we already knew because Serena is an even worse actress when she’s acting like she’s acting.

Nate tried to go after Juliet following her public shaming, but Serena caught up with him first and attempted to make a peace offering. He didn’t take it, instead firing back, “I guess it took me until now to realize just how mad I am at you.” In a previous recap, I said I only liked Nate when he’s slutty. I take that back. I like it when he’s bitchy, too.

Oh, the schemes, Gossipers! I love ’em, and I say that completely without white hot shame.

Now, while I go burn all the evening wear I own made of surf fabrics, answer me this: What did you think of the episode? Were you frustrated that no one tried to ID Gossip Girl during the live-stream of the cocktail hour on the steps? Who is that guy Juliet met in prison? Did you like the celeb cameos during Fashion’s Night Out? Did you think that Serena was acting like a brat at the end? And what was your coveted item of the week? (Mine was Blair’s purple top that she wore in the rain.)

Sound off below! And for more, follow me on Twitter: @EWSandraG

QUOTEABLES

“Their membership is so restricted, they make Soho House look like a Halfway House.” — Blair, not realizing that with Serena in the group, Hamilton could very well be re-named the So, Ho House.

“You’re the one who’s going to end up being hurt, Ma Biche.” — Blair. I look up biche; it doesn’t mean bitch. I wish it did.

“Chuck will soon realize that it doesn’t matter if the dress is couture if the girl is off the rack. And as with all things that don’t fit, you’ll be sent back to where you came from.” — Blair, as I bowed to her.

“If I were you, I’d accessorize with some gloves. Even a manicure can’t mask those peasant hands.” — Blair, as I bowed again.

“She wouldn’t waste a breath hurling insults if she didn’t think they’d land.” — Chuck, secretly admiring Blair’s efficiency