An unlikely alliance forms among the show's have-nots, while Blair discovers a Bass-ectomy is easier said than done
The rich versus the poor. It’s a war that has been waged since the beginning of history, and fittingly, it continues in the land where history means you always have some friends on your side.
Of course, that sort of makes all of this sound dignified — it’s really not. It’s mostly the fug-haired versus the well-coiffed (and Serena snuck in this group somehow). The Woodbury Commons versus haute couture. The played versus the players. And oh how it’s a game we love. But before we get to that, we must rewind to fully enjoy the debauchery.
We opened this week with Serena, who walked into Blair’s room without knocking and — unbeknownst to her — interrupted Blair’s Bass-ive sex romp with Chuck. (Three cheers!) We assumed from this that whatever time has passed since their first round of hate-sex last week has been filled with long, hard nights — and I’m sure Blair was there, too. Although, she claimed she was done with it all, telling Chuck, “This has got to end.” “I thought I just did,” Chuck sneered. Pause to fan yourselves.
Elsewhere (a.k.a Brooklyn), Dan was on speaking terms with Vanessa as long as he continued stealing soap for her and did not to talk about Serena. (Pop-up poll: Were you surprised Vanessa wanted Dan to steal soap? I was, but mostly because I was shocked to learn she uses the stuff.) Vanessa was still angered that the Serena circle was shunning her after the Hamilton House incident that wasn’t her fault. Dan claimed, however, that he was in no better social position than she was because of his stealing the treaty. (Now there’s a line you didn’t think you’d hear this century.) He asked her to move on.
At Colin’s, Juliet tried to explain why she continued to be in contact with Ben (who we learned is 26 and was once a teacher), telling Colin that she was all Ben had in the world. But, apparently, whatever Ben did to get into prison angered Colin to the point of no forgiveness. Will we ever find out exactly what he earned the dude a spot in the pokey? I’m not sure; it feels like we’ve been chasing the answer forever. At this point, I’m thinking we’ll sooner see Juliet ditch her “blazers of glory” look.
Before leaving to attend to Serena’s ass his class, Colin issued a warning to Juliet: Back off or get cut off. Not that he was paying for her to live in the lap of luxury. Sure, Columbia doesn’t come cheap, but wouldn’t billionaire cousin at least give her some money to buy clothes that she didn’t have to return? Sorry, I forgot this show is best watched with an absence of reason and logic. (That’s not a complaint…)
Over in Nate’s land of homoerotic-tinged possessiveness, he asked Chuck where he had been because he “hadn’t been home in days.” Chuck joked about entertaining the company of marathon runners before turning the focus back on Nate with a question about Juliet. Nate insisted it was over, and that he was only on his way to drop off the items she’d left at his suite. (When he went to do so, he discovered that Juliet didn’t live in that building at all.) Before Chuck could further question Nate, he spied with his little eye a Blair ripe for the picking. At first she resisted his advances, but soon caved — as we all would — and followed him into a brownstone vestibule for an afternoon delight.
NEXT: Blair and Serena make a pact we know they’ll never keep.
Meanwhile, Serena and Colin’s well-calculated cab rendezvous (still with no sex) turned into a conversation about a possible weekend away from the city together so they could get to know each other like a normal couple. Serena loved the idea, telling Colin, “I’m packing in my head already.” Ah! So that’s what fills that space…
Once at the school, Dan saw Serena emerging from the cab she was sharing with Colin, Serena saw Blair and Chuck emerge from their Brownstone conquest, and we saw fun on the horizon.
When Serena confronted Blair about her Chuck-oholism, Blair claimed they were merely enemies with benefits. Still, Serena expressed her clear disapproval, but Blair pointed out she was one to talk, considering her own predicament. “Quite a lot of judgment coming from you, Elizabeth Taylor. You’re about one inappropriate relationship away from the Guinness Book.” Blair made the first move and claimed she was going to end her arrangement with Chuck (right…) and encouraged Serena to do the same with Colin.
At the loft, another arrangement was in the process of being made: one between Nate and Vanessa, both of whom had feelings of ill will toward Juliet. They wanted vengeance, so Nate proposed an alliance. He would distract Juliet if Vanessa went to Juliet’s real apartment to look for information they could use. The decision was easy for Vanessa: “Let me see, writing a paper on Hannah Arendt or a secret mission that might help me clear my name? Let me grab my bag.” (I’m a little shocked she didn’t also bring along her broom and her cauldron.)
Back at Columbia, Dan was once again hanging out at the school he doesn’t attend and approached Serena about her relationship with Colin. “Why do you have mad face?” she asked. He explained that if Colin truly cared for her like he claimed, he would leave his teaching post and pursue their relationship. “You’re worth more than a guest lecturer fee, everyone knows that. I just wish you did,” he said. I dispute this, however. I find it hard to believe that a guest lecturer’s going rate is less than the price of dinner and a morning cab ride. At any rate, this resonated with Serena, and she’d later break it off with Colin.
In a limo somewhere, Blair and Chuck were doing anything but breaking things off because they were too busy taking things off. (Yes, that’s called “going full circle.”) They both agreed to end it, but their definitions varied. Chuck believed they had the right to finish the day in a blur of nonstop sex, while Blair thought cold turkey was the best method. She attempted to quell her rising urges with chocolate and macaroons, but if Blair had less pride she would have confessed that when it comes to Chuck Bass, only pie will do.
But while Blair was mum on the Chuck situation, Juliet was spilling her guts to Nate about her secretiveness. (She conveniently left out the part about Ben and her plan to take down Serena, though.) She told him that she actually lived in a studio furnished with (GASP!) IKEA furniture in a sketchy part of Manhattan above a bodega. And the kicker: She did her own hair. “I’m sorry I lied to you. I was ashamed.” Touched by her earnestness, Nate forgave her and decided to give her a second chance.
NEXT: Is Bad Vanessa actually kind of…interesting?
As Nate called off their undercover op, Vanessa, aka the Great Mousey Detective, had found Juliet’s home by bribing a pizza man for the address. (Beware of Four Square.) Once she started digging, she found the pictures Juliet had taken of Serena and her professor kissing on the computer. Bingo! Despite Nate forgiving Juliet, Vanessa decided to use her findings anyway. She swiped the camera card after Juliet returned home and planned to give it to the Dean at the ballet.
Ah! Yes, the ballet! This week’s kinda-sorta party where all of our plots would intersect in a lovely dramatic way. (I appreciated the show’s effort to mix things up by holding this week’s madness in a new and different setting.)
After Serena broke things off with Colin, she called her slave Dan to accompany her instead, and he obliged of course. Too bad he’d once again get his heart (and manhood) handed to him in pieces when Colin showed up and took Serena into his arms. Colin told her that he’d quit his job at Columbia to be with her. The Humphrey stood alone.
Speaking of alone, who knows how long Chuck was waiting clothes-less in a phonebooth across the street for Blair before he realized she wasn’t coming? Regardless, she seemed so intent on keeping him at a distance, she stole Serena’s Colin tale and claimed she was the one who had fallen in love with him. Chuck saw through the lie.
Inside the reception, we saw the emergence of Bad Vanessa, who turned out to be like normal Vanessa with a personality. I liked it! She approached the Dean with her evidence, but was quickly stopped by Juliet, who tried to convince her to walk away. Vanessa refused, saying “I’ve been losing to Serena for three years, watching her get away with anything and everything, and I’m over it.” Then, Vanessa told her Nate had taken her to coffee as a distraction, but then lied by saying he knew about the photos. “If it’s ever between one of us and Serena van der Woodsen, they’ll always choose Serena,” Vanessa said. That did it.
And so Vanessa and Juliet approached the Dean with the evidence and almost succeeded in getting the Dean to suspect Serena of exchanging grades for sex, but Blair stepped in and saved the day. She claimed she was the one who was involved with Colin, and then she took the memory card with the pictures and dropped it in her champagne. Farewell, pictures. Farewell, evidence. Farewell, revenge. Or so we thought, especially after Colin cut Juliet off indefinitely, and the gang (Chuck, Nate, Serena and Blair) laid the verbal smackdown on her outside the event.
In the end, there was a twist! We saw Juliet, Vanessa, and J-Hump herself joining forces. Their three-way-chat was what I imagine it would have looked like watching the Axis powers form in year 2010. It put ice in my blood, gave me goosebumps of horror, and made me want to go wash my hair and use an oil blotting sheet.
NEXT: Serena is faced with an age-old debate. Plus, the best zingers from this week’s episode!
In other news, Serena and Colin broke up for good, and she called Dan to apologize. He ran to Manhattan upon receiving her message, but when he arrived, he spotted Nate pouring his soul out to Serena. Nate wanted a second chance. Serena was left with a decision (again…): Dan or Nate?
Back at Blair’s house there was no decision to be made, because there’s really only one guy for her. Chuck and Blair celebrated their victory by the fire and contemplated their relationship, coming to the conclusion that there were, above all, friends. “Well, who knew that it would take tons of hate sex and a public takedown for us to get here,” Blair joked. As Chuck rose to leave, they paused to hug, pulling away slowly before melting into a kiss. In one quick swoop, he gathered her into his arms and proceeded upstairs. Swoon.
So, readers, that’s this week’s offering. What did you think? What destruction might the trifecta of terror have in store? Is Colin out of the picture for good? And who should Serena choose? Is anyone else hoping she ends up alone and seeking a deeper form of happiness that cleavage can’t buy?
Also, what does Rufus do all day besides make waffles and put that stupid wave in his hair? Do we believe for a second that someone with a sexual history like Serena’s didn’t already have an appreciation for pleather and duct tape? Whose robe was prettier: Chuck’s velvet wonder (three words I’ve always wanted to type consecutively) or Serena’s silk? And considering Vanessa’s past attraction to Dan, are we to assume that he is a combination of Colin and Matt Lauer? Discuss.
“This comforter blocks out so much noise they could sell it at Bose.” –Chuck
“The New York marathon was this weekend. Those women run 26.2 miles in under three hours so their warm-ups are key.” –Chuck
“Closure — the unattainable goal. The closest I’ve come to getting it is through massive amounts of hate sex.” –Chuck
Blair: What if someone sees?
Chuck: You don’t like that anymore?
“It’s just your ordinary, run-of-the-mill ex sex, fueled by the most common of aphrodisiacs — mutual loathing and disdain.” –Blair
“There are about as many feelings between me and Chuck as there are thoughts in Levi Johnston’s head.” –Blair
“Have you forgotten what happens on vacations? There’s a reason you never get a tan line.” –Blair
“The only way to be done with this thing once and for all is to have a Bass-ectomy.” –Blair
“It’s just harder to chuck Chuck than I thought, and what if I need sex rehab like Jesse James?” –Blair
“I hope you did your yoga. This could go on a while.” –Chuck
“If KGB can’t get me to talk, Chuck Bass has no chance.” –Dorota
“Hurry. There’s a Bass on the loose, and it’s hungry.” –Blair
On Twitter: @EWSandraG
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