Gossip Girl recap: All's Fair in Sex and War

Well, we knew Chuck liked Blair’s pie, and at this point, it’s kind of become his green eggs and ham.

He would eat it in the bed.
He would eat it on his head.

And he would eat it in role play.
And in a limo. And every day.
On a baby grand. And on land, B.
It is so good, so good, you see!

Oh, readers, and it was good. But before we geek out on that, we have an episode to discuss. (Patience, my pretties. Patience.)

We began the episode a few days before an Upper East Side national holiday: Blair Waldorf’s 20th birthday. That’s 20 years of schemes, 20 years since Eleanor Waldorf suffered through 23 hours of the only hard labor she’s ever experienced, and 20 years of style to celebrate in style. It would be a glorious day.

Over in the land of plot déjà vu, Serena and Colin (still pronounced colon) made every attempt to do the no-sex thing by having office-hour coffee dates where they talked about Colin’s bad taste in books and humble beginnings in a lobster family. (Serena totally related, by the way, telling him how much she loved The Deadliest Catch.) Serena tried to contain her urge to jump teacher’s suit-clad bones by stroking her hair like she was a monkey looking for lice. And while the meetings were enough to produce a nice after-sex glow, six weeks still seemed eons away.

Elsewhere on the block, Rufus Humphrey was celebrating the day he officially became the luckiest unemployed man in all of Brooklyn (a.k.a.: It had been one year since the little himbo married his retirement fund — erm, I mean wife). They had planned a family evening, but with Little J stuck in Hudson, Rufus claimed it didn’t “feel right to have a family celebration without her.” Instead, he and Lily were going to stay in. (Jenn Hump had told her dad that she had to study, but Dan saw through the excuse.) “What class has a test on Saturday?” he asked Eric. “That would be Fear of Chuck and Blair 101.”

So Dan drew from the courage bestowed unto him by the hideous Jheri curl that has taken residence on his head and put his foot down. Jenny deserved to come home for their parents’ first anniversary, he claimed, and they would make it happen. So Pinky and the Gay set off to make a game plan. “As long Chuck and Blair are at war, he’s on our side,” Eric had told him.

Little did they know, the war had reached an official end thanks to a notarized treaty, arranged by Nate, Serena, and Serena’s not-trimmed-but-happy hair. “We know you both. You have nuclear capability,” Serena told the feuding but for-now civil pair. So Chuck and Blair sat down with their respective counsel to hammer out the details. They bargained hot spots, vacation spots, fashion week territory, and strip joints in the outer boroughs. (If only world peace were so easy…or is it?) The punishment for breaking the peace treaty? Excommunication. “We’ll no longer be your friends,” Nate clarified.

NEXT: Dan tries his hand at espionage.

With all these celebrations and peace talks afoot, the gang could hardly contain themselves. Two special occasions in one episode? Peace not war? They were practically legally obligated to produce double the trouble, and the gang didn’t disappoint.

Dan and Eric put their stealth strike into motion. They planted a story on Gossip Girl about a fling between Jack Bass and Blair, hoping that Chuck would become jealous and want to retaliate by bringing Jenny home. It was a truly honorable effort, but Dan and his key lime-colored computer should stick to moping and groping Vanessa. The plan didn’t work out.

When Dan went to approach Chuck about the matter and offer his “condolences that Blair could not be trusted,” he realized Blair was already at Chuck’s house. They had anticipated a counter attack after word of their truce got out. “Besides, Jack Bass wasn’t in the France last summer, he was in Chile,” Blair said, piquing Chuck’s interest. “Again, how do you know that,” Chuck questioned. “I must have read it somewhere.” Lies.

Juliet, meanwhile, attempted to get back into Serena’s good graces by becoming the confidant in her prof plight (because Blair had refused to discuss it). She even agreed to be Serena’s date for Blair’s party so that she wouldn’t be tempted by the professor. (Of course, her real motive was to push her right into his arms.) But then Nate stepped up and offered to do the escorting, pooing on Juliet’s plan. She would have to backdoor her way into the party.

With his plan deflated, Dan turned to the master of hot air: Nate. At first he was little help, refusing to turn on Blair and Chuck and denying Dan details about the treaty. Not to worry, though, Nate left the document on the table for Dan to see and snatch. Nate probably thought he could trust Dan…or Nate’s an idiot. A pretty idiot. But still an idiot. Inside the treaty, Dan found out a deep, dark secret (one that Chuck and Blair had even withheld from Nate and Serena) that he would later use for his retaliation. Eric bowed out before the fun began. “Dan, we tried. It didn’t work. I’m out.” Love him. He’s so smart — but then again, next to the rest, so is a potato chip.

At the party, the celebrity sightings (that have become somewhat of a staple this season) continued, with names like Cynthia Rowley and Rachel Zoe making appearances. Nate also spotted a noteworthy pair: Juliet and Colin.

Colin had gotten Juliet into the party as a favor, but Nate thought him to be the man she was seeing on the side. When he confronted her about this, she confessed that Colin was her cousin, and surprisingly, it was actually was the truth. We also found out (via a convo that Juliet later had with her brother Ben) that Colin knows nothing about the plot to bring down Serena. In fact, Colin was angry Juliet had been seeing Ben. In sum, if all goes according to plan, Colin is going to end up a victim of Juliet and Ben’s quest for revenge. Juliet discovered this for the first time during the episode, too. (She hadn’t realized he was the professor seeing Serena.) I have to admit, that was a cool twist.

NEXT: Rachel Zoe’s death by chocolate. And possibly the best hate-sex scene ever?

But the real victims of the party were Blair and Rachel Zoe. As a result of Dan’s master plan, a video of Blair singing drunken karaoke at a concert afterparty (Robyn!) was shown to the entire party. Mortified, Blair charged to the front of the crowd but knocked Zoe down in the process. (This, of course, is no indication of Blair’s physical strength, as the emissions from a flatulent dog could likely do the same.) As Zoe attempted to rise from the ground, she ended up grabbing a bowl of melted dipping chocolate, which promptly doused her head. “I…die,” she said. Then I died…of laughter. Major kudos go good sport, Rachel Zoe.

Immediately following the disaster, Blair accused Chuck of orchestrating the ambush. “Why did you do it? Because I knew Jack was in Chile last summer? I only found out because I was desperate for news of you!” she admitted. Chuck continued to deny it, and that’s when Humphrey came forward and admitted he’d done it as revenge for Jenny. “They deserve what they get, and I’m not sorry,” Dan said.

He’d later be sorry, though, when he realized he had betrayed his true love (Nate), wrecked Blair’s birthday (but I think he was okay with that), and ruined his parents’ anniversary. But his parents forgave him after they went home and found multi-colored paper fungus all over their apartment. Or maybe they were flowers.

Back at Colin’s, Serena resisted the urge to give it up completely, but rewarded Colin’s good behavior at the party with a short makeout session (that was caught on camera!). “Something to look forward to,” she said after the kiss. But, I ponder, considering those non-dresses she wears, what exactly hasn’t he seen already?

And just when we thought the fun was over, we returned to Blair’s house where Chuck waited in the shadows. “I wanted to let you know the treaty is over,” he said. “I realized we’re not friends; friends have to like each other. After what happened tonight, I could never like you.” “I could never like you either,” she said. Thankfully, they didn’t have to like each other to do each other.

Chuck grabbed their treaty, ripped it in half, and then reached for Blair’s face with one hand, pulling her into an intense kiss. It was one of the best hate-sex scenes I’ve seen on TV. It was in slow-motion. It was manic. And they were color-coordinated. Be. Still. My. Heart.

Whew! After your cold showers, readers, share your thoughts on ‘War at the Roses.’ What did you think of the last minute of the episode? Are you glad gothic Barbie didn’t make a return? Conversely, were you happy to see Eric? (Yes!) And how great were the stolen glances exchanged by Chuck and Blair as they were leaving treaty negotiations?

Less importantly, did we know Gossip Girl had a tracking program? (I can’t recall, but that’s pretty stalkery. But it’s still less creepy than Serena conveniently walking past Colin’s door in the middle of the day.) Do you believe for a second that the help would be allowed to address the crowd at Blair’s party? (I love Dorota, but come on!) And do you think Serena should start reciting Psalms instead of the Gettysburg Address as part of a last-ditch effort to save her harlot soul?

NEXT: The best zingers from last night’s episode.

QUOTEABLES

“I know the first anniversary is paper, but that’s not an excuse to eat out of cartons.” –Eric

“Who brought the Avon lady?” –Blair re: the court stenographer

“Sooner or later one of you is going to press the other’s button and we’re going to end up with nothing but cockroaches.” –Nate

“Coffee is the thing you have before you pay the check to go have sex.” –Blair

“Unless you mean Firth or Farrell, I’m not listening.” –Blair re: Colin

“Humphrey, the intricacies of our war games are too complex for prole like you to fathom.” –Chuck

“No offense Dan, but we are no match for Chuck and Blair.” –Wise Eric

“You put gladiolus in my cabbage roses? The Waldorf’s is not a Best Western!” –Blair

“You aren’t fighting with Mister Chuck, so you fighting with everyone else.”

“That’s their secret? I was expecting something a little more American Psycho.” –Eric re: Chuck and Blair’s big secret

“It only takes one video to topple an entire career. If you don’t believe me just YouTube ‘Connie Chung Piano.'” –Blair

“What I want is to be a powerful woman, but whenever Chuck’s around I just feel like a weak little girl.” –Blair

DO YOU AUDIBLY GASP WHEN YOU MEET SOMEONE AT A COCKTAIL PARTY WHO CLAIMS NOT TO OWN A TELEVISION? (WE’RE GASPING JUST THINKING ABOUT IT.) Then don’t miss this week’s TV Insiders podcast! Annie Barrett, Dalton Ross, Michael Ausiello, Michael Slezak, and Clark Collis talk about their favorite Halloween episodes, plus the creepy new series Dead Set and The Walking Dead. Plus, our EW couch potatoes dish the latest happenings on Survivor and Dancing With the Stars. Click here to download the TV Insiders podcast to your MP3 player, or listen to an embedded version below!