Gossip Girl recap: 'Me Versus You. No Limits.'

We knew Not Blair wouldn’t last. And let’s face it: Angels belong in heaven, where they can be free to save all the puppies and children and homeless people they want, and that’s sweet. Like Ipecac.

The rest of us evils belong on earth. That’s where I like to see the Gossip gang, wearing their sinful dresses, saying sinful things, and sinning for their own benefit. Isn’t that a saying? “Evil does it”? I could be wrong; nonetheless, I like it. And it’s true, too.

This week’s episode started as a sticky-sweet tribute to new love, new life, and new morals. Chuck was giving money away and making the papers for turning his life around. We had Not Blair to blame thank for the change. Chuck had even planned a gala to announce a $5 million donation to a TBD charity. He was a changed man, but not so changed that he forgot how to frost his lady. Cartier, anyone?

Yes, he got Not Blair a pricey piece of ice as a gift, which of course incensed Actual Blair (especially when Gossip Girl boards were lit up by claims that the watch cost more than anything Chuck had ever given the latter lady). That’s when Serena spotted what can only be referred to as the Blair Crazy Eye and made her promise not to interfere with Chuck’s new romance. Blair agreed, as long as Serena stayed off of Gossip Girl, where she had been checking up on Nate and Dan’s budding relationships (with Juliet and Dumpty, respectively). They agreed. And because they both keep promises about as well as they kept their virginities, the girls promptly broke their pact.

While at Cartier scoping out the price of the watch, hoping to put her jealousy at ease, Blair spotted Not Blair hocking the watch Chuck had given her and captured it on tape. When she went to have a screening party at Chuck’s, her plan was foiled. It would have been a fabulous piece of intel, except Not Blair used the money for good — not evil. Yep, she had given the money to an employee of Chuck’s who was on the verge of losing his home. Chuck responded with sympathy and admiration for St. Not Blair. “How can I ever be angry with you?” he said. Oh, but he’d learn how to be.

Over in Brooklyn, Dan was struggling with the loss of Milo but wouldn’t admit it. (And even I — a child repellent — have to admit the kid was cute. Too cute to be Dan’s, really.) Taking a page from the Lonely Boy’s Guide to Depression, Dan was wearing the same shirt for days at a time (not that he ever appeared particularly well-groomed to begin with…), sleeping all the time, and skipping classes. Dumpty had scheduled an intervention, but it didn’t help much. He claimed he was fine, which is boy talk for dying inside.

NEXT: Turns out the lady is (was?) a tramp!

Dan sought comfort the only place open 24-hours-a-day, 7-days-a-week, and on holidays (like a Duane Reade!): Serena. They walked in the park, worked together to help Blair on her quest for dirt on Not Blair, and went to Chuck’s charity gala together. In the process, Dan admitted to Serena that he wasn’t quite over her yet. Ah, you really can go home again, especially when home’s a big ho.

It can’t be denied the two were a great scheme team, though. In their search for scandal, Dan turned up a SHOCKING (read: NOT shocking at all) discovery: Eva was(/is?) a prostitute. Yes, that was the big secret. Let. Down. I was kind of hoping the answer would be “was once a man.” That would have been shocking. Even Chuck wasn’t shocked by the news of her former employment; well, he told Nate he wasn’t. Chuck’s eyes said otherwise.

Speaking of Nate, he and Juliet ran into troubles when Nate suspected her of cheating. She claimed she had been visiting her troubled brother, and he believed her. By the end of the episode, we saw them happy as can be and headed up the elevator to “Juliet’s apartment.” Of course, it really wasn’t hers. I foresee this being her downfall at some point. What if Nate wants to go visit her again? Regardless, I’m ready for more answers and less mystery regarding this plot. Plus, we know Nate will never love her more than he loves Dan, anyway.

At the gala, Dumpty was not happy to see Dan with Serena, telling him, “I’ve always only wanted you, Dan, but even I have my limits.” With that quote, she earned a bit of my sympathy — and some of Dan’s too. After Serena confessed that she had returned from Paris still unsure of whether she wanted to be with him or Nate, Dan fired back. “Serena, there are some people who don’t have to choose,” and stormed off, leaving Serena slackjawed and looking embarrassed. Wouldn’t you be if you were left at a party holding a champagne in one hand and your mangled dignity in the other? Serves her right for being a flake, really. When Vanessa and Dan met back up at the apartment later, Dan confessed that “losing Milo broke [his] heart,” and then he said he had “no regrets” about his decision to be with her. Surprisingly, this was quite the awww moment, no?

On the opposite end of the spectrum, we had the rest of the Chuck and Blair story. Before his presentation at the gala, Chuck told Blair to call off any scheme she had planned because he already knew about Not Blair’s Pretty Woman past. She said she just didn’t want to see him hurt, but it turned out, she kind of did. After that plan fizzled, Blair went into the personal effects the French police had sent over and retrieved Chuck’s passport. She then showed it to him and claimed she had found it in Not Blair’s suitcase, meaning NB would have known he was Chuck Bass the entire time. He was NB’s target, Blair claimed.

NEXT: It’s a thin liiiiine…between love and hate.

Angered, Chuck sent Not Blair packing, only to learn later that Blair had lied about finding the passport in Not Blair’s possession. Hurt beyond repair, Not Blair left even after Chuck’s apology. This whole scheme was a new low for Blair, especially considering Chuck was actually happy. On the other hand, Not Blair’s vanilla ways had turned our layer parfait of a man into plain yogurt, an offense punishable by deportation. To Chuck, however, there was no greater violation than Blair’s betrayal.

He went to her home, and all but declared WWR (World War Revenge). “Do you hate me so much that you can’t stand to see me happy?” he asked. “Is it possible you still love me?”

Blair: “How can I still love you after what you did?

Chuck: “So you did it just to hurt me. Eva made me into someone I was proud to be. You just brought back my worst self. This means war, Blair.”

Blair: “Chuck–“

Chuck: “Me versus you. No limits.”

Whoa. Just whoa.

So much ground to cover, readers, so I’ll jump right to it: What did you think of the episode? Are you glad that we finally learned why Not Blair didn’t take Chuck to the hospital? (Plot hole = filled!) Can we start a petition to stop giving Serena unflattering hair styles this season? Did the beginning of the episode with blissful Chuck bore you a bit, too? Did you chuckle a little when Nate guilted Dan into telling him the secret about Not Blair like they were a bickering couple? Did the voiceovers during that Juliet/Vanessa scene on the street bug the crap out of you, too? And who do you think will be the winner in this fight to the death between Chuck and Blair?

QUOTEABLES

Serena: “It was just so easy in Paris.”

Blair: “You were so easy in Paris.”

Easy does it, and when easy doesn’t, Serena will.

“I will stay away from Nate and Dan, but you have to stay away from Chuck and Eva. No plotting. No meddling. No Blair Waldorfing.” — Serena.

Blair Waldorfing. v. 1. To devise an innovative plan of revenge. 2. To be fabulous. 3. To crush all who block the path to domination.

“Old Chuck. Bad Chuck. New Chuck. Good Chuck. To me, it’s one man, one journey.” — Not Blair, re: Chuck, as I upchucked

“Turns out Eva has ‘good love for you.'” — Serena

If there was ever a pot/kettle moment…

“Don’t leave. Everybody leaves.” — Chuck

Actual physical pain has hurt me less than hearing those words from his mouth.

More Gossip Girl chatter: @EWSandraG.

DON’T MISS: Embedded below, listen to the first edition of EW.com’s TV Insiders podcast. Dalton Ross, Michael Slezak, Annie Barrett, Michael Ausiello (who also gives his picks for best and worst new show of the new season), and Jeff “Doc” Jensen break down the week in television and present it to you in an easily digestible audio format. Or click here to download TV Insiders to your MP3 player!