Gossip Girl recap: The Truth About Charlie
Was that the finale of Gossip Girl or a fever dream I had brought on my wicked allergies? Holy Alexander Wang!!! That was a lot. I mean there was deception (Hi Charlie), suicide attempts (Hi Charlie), and even celebrity cameos (Hi David O. Russell). And we said goodbye to Vanessa who jetted off to Spain but not before doing (and saying) some truly ridiculous things. My question is: Will we ever see Jenny Humphrey again? I’m guessing not until the series finale. Or until Little J purchases all of the ripped tights and bad hair extensions in Hudson and needs to pay a visit to the island of Manhattan. What will come first?
Vanessa and Serena continued their very brief truce in the effort to find Charlie before she went full-throttle wacko. So apparently Charlie pulled a Single White Female on her last roomie and it did not end well. Hmmm. Who could have predicted that? Oh wait—me. But the best part was that Serena continued to wear an elaborate ball gown throughout all of this drama, despite her trip home. Like she couldn’t quick change into a pair of Current/Elliot jeans and a standard boob-baring blouse?
At the party, Dan just seemed to kind of wander about until he finally ran into Nate who seemed equally lost. Then, they talked about what a big kook Charlie turned out to be. Ah fun times. Ace detective Dan Humphrey finally realized Charlie Crazypants was on the dance floor, doing the Lambada with a dude and a bottle of vodka. Is that really surprising she parties like a drunken Tri Delt? I mean she is from Florida. Also much like a Tri Delt, Charlie turned out to be a mean drunk and shoved Dan out of her way kinda similar to how Teresa Giudice manhandled Andy Cohen at the Real Housewives of New Jersey reunion last year.
So Charlie disappeared and we were short one loon but then Georgina showed back up at the Constance party and the balance of Crazytown was restored. Frankly, I missed the bitch. She’s sooooo much fun. I vote for her to become a regular next season or at least come back more often. This show needs more villains. Apparently, Georgina has been living the life of a Stepford wife and is bored out of her mind (her actual words: “I haven’t been this bored since I believed in Jesus.”). She begged to get involved in the search for Charlie but no one wanted her on their team; it was kinda of like me in gym class when they were choosing dodge ball teams. Sniff.
Once they arrived at the party, Vanessa then abruptly left to go look for Charlie and Serena continued to work that awesome dress. She ran into Headmistress Queller (hanging with a cameo-ing Cecily von Ziegesar) who basically told her she was a disappointment although not quite as bluntly. Such a supportive school! Also, when did Serena exhibit such promise? After she accidentally helped that dude overdose? Anyways, Serena finally found Charlie upstairs in one of the reading rooms looking like she was ready to jump out the window. But Serena talked her down, of course. Naturally, after being talked out of suicide, Charlie only wanted to talk further about Serena and wondered whom she would have picked between Nate and Dan. Maybe we should take this girl home and get her medicated instead of playing The Dating Game?!
NEXT: We learn a giant secret about Charlie!
Meanwhile, Dan went back to Lily’s apartment to look for Charlie. Oddly, Vanessa checked out the Brooklyn loft and of course snooped around. She found Dan’s manuscript for his book about the Upper East Side. Favorite detail: Serena’s pseudonym was “Sabrina.” That Dan is one talented dude. I hope Vanessa’s book name was Navessa or something equally hilarious (“As Navessa steamed me a café latte, I began to think…” K). Vanessa called Dan and said that he MUST get this book published as it was “the best satire of the Upper East Side since Bonfire of the Vanities.” Oh lordy. Then, the two got into a huge fight and Dan basically told her his life got worse after Vanessa appeared on his fire escape. So Vanessa took the book and ran out of the loft. Um, can we discuss why this woman has keys to that apartment?
Later, she ended up at a publishing house where they were equally amazed by the book (For realz?). But she took Dan’s name off the byline and ordered the publisher to send all checks to her new address…in Barcelona!!!!!! Adios, chica.
Chuck eventually figured out that Blair had been kidnapped by Russell Thorpe and lured to the still-under construction hotel. He and Raina and Nate arrived just in time to save Blair but I gotta say that it was the least exciting hostage situation I’ve seen in a TV show. Although it was probably the best dressed. Instead of returning to Louis immediately, Chuck and Blair weirdly decided to grab a drink and chose to crash a bat mitzvah. Okay sure. But the weirdest moment was when Chuck and Blair did the Hora to Adele’s “Rolling in the Deep.” This is where my fever dream theory began to manifest. Then, the two hooked up! At a bat mitzvah! Again, fever dream?
While it seemed like it would once again be a love story between the pair, Chuck ended pushing Blair to stick with Louis. He rather maturely decided that just even though they were passionate, they didn’t necessarily belong together. Boo. No fun Chuck. I have a feeling this will all change come next season.
So by the end of the episode, there was a slew of crazy developments. Let’s talk about my favorite: Serena’s exodus to Hollywood. While she was supposed to be staying with Cece in Montecito, Serena ended up meeting some cute guy on the boardwalk who was developing Fitzgerald’s The Beautiful & the Damned for David O. Russell. Cue a cameo by the director of The Fighter himself!! Again, I wasn’t on NyQuil—this was all real right? So O. Russell offered Serena a job because she was…beautiful and sorta damned. Sure. That seems about right.
Blair decided to spend the summer sailing all over with Louis and said that she was planning a November wedding (perfect for sweeps!). She and Dan will continue their bizarre sorta romance but solely through their love of film. I still have zero idea what happened to that storyline. Weren’t we all SOOOO excited for Dan and Blair? Really disappointing. Oh well.
Dan and Eric appear to be hanging together in the Hamptons while Chuck and Nate are gonna go on an epic bromance trip.
But the big, big twist was that Charlie went back to Florida…but not to visit her mother. It turns out that wasn’t even Charlie—that was some con artist named Ivy who was hired by Carol to impersonate her daughter and apparently steal a lot of checks. Girl, that household is full of Lanvin, YSL, and McCartney and you steal checks? Bad choice. So we NEVER even got the chance to meet the real Charlie. How weird?!?! And yet cool at the same time!! Plus, before she left New York, Charlie and Georgina sorta bonded over their mutual maliciousness. Charlie even got Georgina’s digits. Does that mean both nutjobs will be back next year? I’m thinking yes!
UPDATE: Writing things at 1am after a full day of work isn’t easy folks. So quite a few little birdies told me that I neglected the positive pregnancy stick that Dorota found in Serena and Blair’s bathroom. Frankly, I think my subconscious actively left this out because the mysterious pregnancy test is like the most overused cliffhanger in the book. You know what Gossip Girl doesn’t need? Anymore appearances by Hillary Duff…or a baby! Also, when was this possible child conceived? Blair had sex with Chuck like the night before right? Is this Serena’s test?
Spotted: Serena, Dan, Blair, Chuck, Vanessa, and Nate — hooking up, breaking up, and freaking out. You know you love it! XOXO!