Gossip Girl recap: Daddy Issues
I’m like the Nostradamus of Gossip Girl: pretty much everything I predicted would happen did. Charlie revealed herself to be the mayor of Crazytown. Russell was revealed to be the actual murderer of Avery Thorpe. Serena showed cleavage. Charlie learned how to show cleavage from Serena. I mean I could launch my own Psychic Friends Network at this point (although I would NOT invite Dionne Warwick to participate after seeing what a beeeyatch she is on Celebrity Apprentice).
Blair and Louis continued on with their not-so-believable love affair. Princess Sophie still didn’t seem to thrilled about Blair, especially after having Ms. Waldorf followed. Seems that Blair is spending an awful lot of time with Chuck despite her new engagement status. But you know what turned around Sophie’s attitude towards Blair? Jewelry? Money bribe? Nope. It was the charms of a petite bald man a.k.a. Cyrus (Wallace Shawn). That wee man warmed the heart of Princess Sophie. I must say it was nice having Cyrus and Eleanor back. They’ve been MIA for sooo long.
But we still had to go through a lot of pretty slow-moving moments with Louis and Blair discussing their relationship and mostly fighting over her connection to Chuck. These two have less chemistry than Jodie Foster and Richard Gere in Sommersby. William and Kate they are not. Hell, they’re not even Harry and that lady from the Real Housewives of DC. Blair began to worry that Louis wouldn’t be able to accept her and all of her darker qualities (see: blackmail and general meanness). She may have a point. Those malicious elements are exactly what draws Chuck to Blair.
Speaking of Chuck, his uncle Jack returned to town after being contacted by Raina. Was it just me or was Jack missing teeth? It looked like one of his front teeth decided not to show up. I was confused. Did he loose teeth the last time he was on? Did he have a slight meth addiction I wasn’t aware of? Very odd. Anyhoo, Jack then got in touch with Russell Thorpe and plotted with old Russell to take down Chuck. So, in another confusing plot point, Jack brought some goons to Chuck’s newest real estate venture, a Brooklyn hotel called Charles’ Place (which frankly sounds like some kind of senior citizen assisted living facility) and had them take Chuck into rehab. Can you force someone into rehab…especially when there’s not really an issue with addiction? The only thing I know about rehab is what I learned from the original 90210 and all of Dylan’s problems. Sorry folks.
Russell assumed Chuck was out of the way and took the opportunity to rifle through Chuck’s place at the Empire Hotel. He was looking for a security video from the night of the fire but then—surprise!—Chuck showed up with Jack and Nate and told Russell it was all a big scam. Those crazy kids! In a surprisingly atypical move, Jack decided that he would not screw over his nephew and instead helped Chuck take down Russell. Opposite day!! So they all watched the video that Russell was trying so desperately to nab and as predicted by moi, it revealed that Russell set the fire that killed his wife. Ho hum.
NEXT: Charlie turns into a psycho nympho!
So we thought that Russell would disappear and be gone forever (thank you!) but then Nate wound up telling Raina the truth. NATHANIEL! We almost had this storyline over. Damn dude. So at the very end of the episode, Russell had lured Blair to Charles’ Place (again, not a retirement community but Chuck’s hot new hotel) for a little revenge action.
Meanwhile, Charlie went from zero to loon in no time! First of all, she told Dan that her favorite book was Flowers in the Attic. Um hellurrrrr Dan! Warning sign! Start running for the hills, dude. Then, she stopped taking her mysterious medication which previously caused her to go “from well to hell.” Wouldn’t it be funny if it was just like Lunesta or some kind of allergy medication? Like if the major problem with Charlie was brutal sneezing.
After Dan invited Charlie to a fundraiser at their old high school, Charlie freaked out that she had nothing to wear. Serena naturally introduced her to the Rhodes family trust fund. Charlie, like any smart gal, took that trust fund for a test drive at Nina Ricci. Who says Floridians don’t have style? Well, I guess I’ve said that from time to time but I’m taking it back…slowly. Charlie though began to get all freaked out when the big event started getting closer. So professional party girl gave her a few pointers like refrain from laughing at Dan’s dance moves and get drunk so your feet don’t hurt in heels. Role model material!
But then my favorite moment: Charlie showed up to Blair and Louis engagement party wearing Serena’s cotillian dress!!! The look on Serena’s face was redonkulous. Loved. Of course she confronted Charlie about the dress but Charlie claimed it was the Nina Ricci she bought. Serena then asked to see the tag which Charlie said she cut off. Genius! So this is what happens when she stops taking her medication: she becomes a bitchy fashionista! I can see how that can be dangerous in Florida where everyone wears sandals and fanny packs.
Dan and Charlie then made their way to the Constance/St. Jude party where Charlie went full throttle cray cray and attempted to seduce Dan in Headmistress Queller’s office. She also was rocking some insane, Serena-like cleavage. Clearly, she has been taking notes. But then she asked Dan to call her Serena while they were getting it on. That sorta freaked out Mr. Humphrey and he ran out.
The episode ended with Serena and Vanessa coming to a truce so they could share notes on Charlie and Rufus revealing that Charlie had gone off her meds. Uh oh. Chuck came to the Constance party to steal back Blair but she was in the clutches of Russell. What will happen Gossip Girl fans?!?! How many more Vitamin Water tie-ins can we deal with?!?! Did you read that Jenny and Vanessa are leaving?!?!
Spotted: Serena, Dan, Blair, Chuck, Vanessa, and Nate — hooking up, breaking up, and freaking out. You know you love it! XOXO!