Gossip Girl recap: Royal Engagement

How fitting that mere days after the crowning of a new princess in the U.K., Blair Waldorf, the Upper East Side’s own version of royalty, found her prince? Except, um, where did this relationship come from? Like Kate and William had a lengthy wooing process (and I think even a break-up or two). Blair and Louis have barely logged like a month of time together. I don’t think he even knows Dorota’s name yet. And yet Ms. Waldorf was given a diamond that would have even made J. Lo blush. I’d probably marry him too frankly. I respond to anything sparkly. Also, each time an episode’s credit sequence ends with “Directed by Andrew McCarthy” I get realz excited. I think that’s the Lipstick Jungle fan in me. LJ will never die in my heart.

So the night’s hour began with Blair calling her mother and announcing her engagement. Then, we flashed back to the preceding days and witnessed what led up to her landing that giant rock…and seemingly asexual French prince. Is it me or is Louis just not so hot? I feel like the accent is everything. Like if this dude were an insurance salesman from Weehawken there would be zero fuss over him. So he and Blair were enjoying their whirlwind romance when Serena’s revenge plan finally came into play: she had called Louis’ mother and told her about the prince’s decision to marry a common American girl…albeit one with a healthy love of tiaras and power trips. Did anyone else notice that Louis’ mother, Sophie, was played by Joanne Whalley of Willow fame! Remember that weird fantasy movie when Val Kilmer was still hot? I used to looooove that flick although it did scare the bejeesus out of me when I saw it in the theater. Whalley joins the illustrious ranks of Sheila Kelley and Laura Harring of mothers on Gossip Girl. Congrats JoJo. A proud day.

So the royal mum obvs did not approve of Louis marrying Blair, but her son was able to convince her to give Blair a shot. Naturally, this all led to a lavish party with 10 other potential princesses flown in for Sophie to judge. It was kinda like the CW’s own version of The Bachelor sans hot tub make-outs. Am I the only one who was not into Blair’s look for the party? It was kinda messy and obvious like she might as well have gone to a costume store and asked for the Cinderella outfit. I would have appreciated a little more creativity.

Meanwhile, Charlie and Dan started to get closer. Oh, and Charlie clearly found where Serena kept her sequined cardigan stash. Dan took Charlie to one of his classes (remember—these kids are in college!) and they bonded over coffee. But they were not alone: professional lurker Vanessa was also conveniently perusing books. Once again, coffee’s biggest fan, Vanessa, was at the right place, at the right time, using those mutant-esque ears to listen in on private conversations (she did have a very amusing line tonight comparing herself to Julian Assange). So she introduced herself to Serena’s little doppelganger Charlie who seemed to realize what a drip Vanessa is. Good for you, Charlie. Don’t get duped by Vanessa’s almost hypnotically bad patterned clothing. Weirdly, Vanessa decided to help Charlie get closer to Dan.

NEXT: Rufus gets a plotline and a job!

Rufus, who I was beginning to forget was a regular character on the show, finally landed a (kind of) plotline: he was approached to work with an indie band called Panic. He had to impress the band and was worried about bringing them to the UES apartment so Dan suggested a nice dinner at the Brooklyn loft. Well, when Charlie offered to cook, Dan assumed it would be laid back and casual (think: Domino’s Pizza and Bud Light). But Charlie dropped Lily’s name at Per Se and they offered to cater which I’m sure was really really cheap. Nothing says “casual” and “frugal” like Per Se. Dan, Rufus, and Eric put the kibosh on the fancy dinner, which upset Charlie. She told Dan that’s what Vanessa told her would help win over Dan. It was basically the final nail in the coffin for the Dan and Vanessa friendship. Instead of confronting her, Dan agreed to let Charlie do the deed and get used to a good old-fashioned UES takedown.

So Charlie met Vanessa at what appeared to be Housing Works in Soho and basically admitted that she lied to Dan and blamed Vanessa for the whole Per Se situation. Loooooved this moment. I knew Charlie was cray cray! Best of all, she told off Vanessa while wearing a ball gown. Like amazing. I need this plot line to get really amped up. I want Charlie to be like the crazy nanny from One Tree Hill who kidnapped Dan Scott and built a whole fake hospital room in which to keep him. Now that’s crazy creativity. She’s from Florida, so I’m sure she can get real devious and nasty. Vanessa basically just sat there and took the beat down but I’m guessing she’ll plot revenge. Or at least get a cup of coffee and mull it over.

The Raina/mother search continued. Blah blah. Raina was upset. Nate tried to comfort her. Blah blah. Nate talked about sports, which made ¾ of the audience tune out. Blah blah. Seriously, this plotline is deadly. It’s a show killer. It’s the Eric Balfour of Gossip Girl storylines. I just can’t get with it.

Chuck meanwhile fell into a deep depression. You could tell because all of the camera angles on him were slanted. He’s so unstable!!!! Andrew McCarthy has clearly taken a Learning Annex course on filmmaking! But Chuck also found out that his father was most likely having an affair with Raina’s mother. What is so frustrating is that none of this information seems to lead him to what I feel like will be the eventual reveal: Russell Thorpe killed his own wife. This seems as obvious as a Scooby-Doo mystery but I guess Chuck is too unstable (!!!) to put two and two together. In fact, the dude was so troubled that he went to Louis’ lady party and attempted to get Blair back by proposing. Not surprisingly, Blair wasn’t into a drunken proposal and rejected him. She went and checked on Chuck afterwards and the crazypants tried to force himself on her but she managed to get away.

This episode was weirdly light on Serena. Although she, and her boobs, did come out for Blair’s royal party. Blair admitted she knew Serena called Sophie and didn’t appear to have Serena on the short list for maid of honor judging from the final moments of the episode. Speaking of maid of honor, how much are we all loving Pippa Middleton?!? Okay, I’m clearly done recapping—what did you all think?