Blair reunites with her French prince and Charlie gets a tutorial in Gossip Girl.
Gossip Girl PrettyInPink

So I could not be more exhausted from trying to figure out all the various complications from last night’s episode of Gossip Girl. Frankly, I’m worn out. Plus, my hair is all kinds of bad from the humidity in New York and I can only take so much. I look like a monchichi. This might have been a record for a Gossip Girl episode involving miscommunication. And for number of ladies in pink dresses (Serena’s was the best btw) and blatant product placement for Gilt Group. But I’ll get to that later.

So, Serena’s cousin Charlie seems to be acclimating well to the world of the Upper East Side. In fact, my favorite moments from the entire episode were Serena attempting to tutor her naïve relative on the ins and outs of spying. Like, for example, Serena couldn’t just flat out ask Dan and Blair if they were dating because that would mean she was trusting backstabber Vanessa. The look on Charlie’s face was genius. And then also Serena recapping the whole Juliet saga made it sound even wackier than when it played out on the show. Charlie also got a crash course in how to use the Gossip Girl map.

Meanwhile, Dan was doing his own little reconnaissance: he was hired by Paris Match (or so he thought) to follow Prince Louis around New York. Apparently, Dan’s blogging for W—which I assume included some kind of piece on visible chest hair and the resurgence of sideburns—was a hit with international readers. Little did Dan know that his sorta love Blair was also hanging with the prince. For some reason, Louis couldn’t just walk around New York and be normal; he had to be mysterious. Raise your hand if you can identify any member of French royalty. Anyone? Anyone? Yeah I didn’t think so. Who is ever going to recognize a French prince on the streets of America? Not believable.

Charlie was assigned by Serena to tail Dan and see if he was indeed seeing Blair. In the first of too many mistakes, Charlie thought Dan and Blair were meeting at Veselka but Dan was, in fact, just following the prince who was there to meet Ms. Waldorf. Still with me? It will get more complicated.

Louis told Blair that his family were actually checking up on him and they hired Dan to follow him. They don’t want the prince dating a “commoner” like Blair. Oh, the problems of the rich and royal. That brings us to Blair Waldorf Overly Complicated Plan #312: she will kiss Dan in front of this royal family official, forcing him to believe there is nothing romantic between her and Louis. Also, said kiss will occur at a breast cancer fund raiser called the Pink Party which, conveniently, allows everyone to get all dressed up.

NEXT: Serena finds out the truth about Dan and Blair

So Lily is now all Lohan-ed out, placed on house arrest and dealing with a pesky ankle bracelet. Apparently she’s been taking to Gilt Group to find lots of floor length gowns to wear (Confession: I actually know that Gossip Girl is doing some kind of a contest with Gilt Group, but I just like to bring up product placement for sheer funzies). Due to her legal issues, she was shunned by the Upper East Side ladies who lunch, particularly Nate’s brittle mother, and was basically disinvited from the aforementioned breast cancer Pink Party. As Eric put it, “The only thing thicker than blood is the ink on Page Six.”

But worried that Lily was getting too bummed out, Serena (along with Rufus and Eric) decided to do a little maneuvering and get the party moved to their apartment, thereby allowing Lily to attend. Frankly, I’m impressed as to how many people they can fit into that space. It never looks that big. Also, I’m kind of tired of that giant Prada painting.

Everyone showed up in their pretty pink dresses (Again, I stress that Serena had the best one). And Blair grabbed Dan to do their big fake kiss thing, but Charlie videotaped their smooch and blasted it to Gossip Girl. Gurl is real handy with her smart phone. Serena obviously was hurt by it but Blair and Dan wrote it off like they were just hanging out because they’re friends, which I found completely confusing. I still have no idea if they ever really liked each other. Weren’t we supposed to believe that? Ugh my head hurts. By the end of the episode, Serena was calling a gentleman in France who I believe was Louis’ driver or whoever that dude was from the beginning of the season. What does she have planned? Is she trying to get her own French romance goin’?

Louis eventually decided he didn’t care what the public thought and kissed Blair out in the open. Where is this storyline going? I’m not feelin’ the chemistry between these two.

Throughout all of this, Chuck was attempting to get Raina to forget about finding her mother and I attempted to keep my eyes from closing due to utter boredom. This story is sooooo boring. Poor Nate is trapped basically just listening to people. He hardly even has lines anymore! But honestly this is not a compelling mystery. It feels like the big reveal is just gonna be that Raina’s dad ended up killing her mother. Guess what? I already solved that!

Oh yeah—Vanessa popped back up too. Wah wah. Dan told her that they were no longer friends after he found out she told Serena about the Blair kiss. Are they phasing out Jessica Szohr? Hmmmm. She’s had like one minute of total screen time in the last few episodes.

Charlie seems to be developing an attachment to Dan which furthers my theory that I think the girl has a penchant for obsessing over boys. I believe that’s what her dear old mom has been worried about. Also, it sorta seemed like they were implying that Charlie might move into the Brooklyn loft with Dan. I can see this turning into the male/female version of Leighton Meester’s The Roommate…except with less belly button ring terror.

Episode Recaps

Gossip Girl

Spotted: Serena, Dan, Blair, Chuck, Vanessa, and Nate — hooking up, breaking up, and freaking out. You know you love it! XOXO!

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