Gossip Girl recap: The Lady is a Pimp

It could be that I’m really tired from working on a story over the weekend. Or it could be because I stayed up too late watching the Super Bowl (and Glee). Or it could even be because I ingested, shall we say, an “eclectic” assemblage of food last night, including, but not limited to, mini donuts, pigs in a blanket, White Castle burgers, cheese and crackers, and pretzel chips. But whatever is to blame, I really was not feelin’ this latest episode of Gossip Girl. It just didn’t make sense. And I don’t even need clear plotting—juicy backstabbing and bitchery makes anything go down easy for me. Still, last night’s hour felt like it went one for four and then never really amounted to anything.

So, Ben moved into the Humphrey loft for reasons that are still not totally clear. Why would Rufus do this? And especially with his son already shacking up there? I totally understand feeling guilty about your wife sending him to jail but it’s like buy the dude a spa day or something. Maybe a mani/pedi and a nice facial? He’s been in the clink for years after all—that can clog the pores. In any case, the poor dude moved in and he and Dan got along about as well as Little J and authority figures. The tension came to a full boil when Ben put the glasses on the wrong shelf (and received a call from his cray-cray sister Juliet!). Dan could no longer hide his anger behind his five o’clock shadow and probably expensive cheap-looking henley. It inspired Dan to team up with lil stepbro Eric to get Ben out of the apartment and out of Serena’s life.

During all this, Eric had been spending quality time with everyone’s favorite local drug dealer, Damien. Is it me or is Damien looking 10 years older lately? He’s also looking more and more like Zac Efron although not this recent, more filled out Zac Attack. Anyways, the trio of guys with questionable hair attempted to get Ben to lose his temper and attack Damien at yet another W party. I don’t believe for a second that Blair or Dan would ever be invited back to a W event after they wrestled on the floor in front of the editor in chief but oh well (note to viewers who think this is the life of magazine folk: we do not, I repeat, do not have parties for every issue completed. Typically, our glamorous EW evenings are spent at the local Ruth’s Chris Steakhouse.). Ben kept his rage in check so instead Damien made Eric bruise his delicate hands and punch Damien in the face. Ben’s parole officer showed up and hauled him off and, for some reason, Ben would not tell Serena what actually happened. Totally unclear to me why he did that, but I’m guessing it’s so he can make Dan feel bad and then worm his way into this family. I’ve seen the trailers for The Roommate! I know how these crazies think!

NEXT: Blair takes advantage of the local man candy

Speaking of the W party, Blair decided that the best way to get Epperly (Has anyone else named their child this? It sounds like a kind of wedding china.) to lighten up was to get her a little action. So who else to pimp out but the Upper East Side’s fave man slut Chuck Bass? But Chuck was a little busy having really boring-not-sexy-sex-scenes with Raina Thorpe so he couldn’t be bothered. Blair then turned to UES man slut #2, Nate, who was more willing to help.

Let’s pause to talk about this Chuck Bass storyline: I could not care less. First of all, does anyone else work at Bass Industries besides Chuck…and Lily? And what does Bass Industries do? I keep imaging a big art deco kind of factory with giant gear shifts and sweaty shirtless men pulling levers, a.k.a., Madonna’s video for “Express Yourself.” Anyways, this weird seduction scheme to get Raina to give him back his company is moving at a glacial pace. Plus, those two just don’t have combustible chemistry. Time to move on.

Okay back to Blair and Nate: Epperly ended up running off with some dude she was in love with and left Blair to deal with a gift bag emergency. But not before Ms. Waldorf revealed that Nate Archibald’s favorite movie is The Sound of Music. Said Nate, ““Do not knock The Sound of Music—it’s got nuns and nazis.” Wise words, Nathaniel.

My big problem with this whole thing is why are we spending so much time with this Epperly chick if she’s just gonna peace outta the show immediately. I thought she was gonna become a recurring character but now she’s off to live the life of Elizabeth Gilbert. Frustrating. Don’t introduce characters and then remove of them so quickly.

So while all this drama was unfolding at the W party at The Palace (hello again!), there was also a somewhat anticlimactic performance by Florence + the Machine. None of these GG kids even bothered to watch her sing! How rude?!?

I think it’s weird that Lily was totally MIA this episode, particularly since she’s the catalyst for so much of the drama going on. But I did love that, according to Serena, Juliet is “off doing an independent study somewhere.” Is that a euphemism? And Dan made a nice Cape Fear reference to Ben staying at the loft: “You put Max Cady in my living room.”

By the end of the episode, Epperly had quit her job at W and recommended Blair for the gig! Um…no. Just no. Again, I can typically suspend disbelief, but Blair getting a high-profile assistant job to the editor in chief of W after she rolled around in front of him? No. Just no. Plus, as Blair explained, she’s a full-time student. There’s no way a full-time college kid could handle such a demanding job. Is this quickly working its way towards a GG rip-off of The Devil Wears Prada? Please, in the name of Coco Chanel, say it isn’t so!

As you can probably tell, I wasn’t a huge fan of tonight’s episode. Did you all think it was ludicrious? GG doesn’t exactly exist in reality but we can only bend the rules so far. What did you think?