Gossip Girl recap: When Charlie met Serena

It’s been so long since Gossip Girl was last on I have completely forgotten what’s happened this season. For a hot second I thought it was still the year that Hilary Duff showed up and showed new levels of lameness. That was a loooong, tough season for GG fans. Now, I remember—Blair and Dan were about to get it on! Yay. Oh and Chuck and Nate were fighting over snoozypants Raina! Boo. But let’s get back to THE couple with actual heat: Dan and Blair a.k.a. “Dair.”

Sooooo….um….not a helluva lot has changed sadly. Last time we saw them, Dair had exchanged a pretty hot kiss. It’s now a week later in GG time and Dan has yet to hear back from Blair despite calling her the next day. Meanwhile, Ms. Waldorf has been in bed all week, in her mind suffering from “consumption” or “malaise.” I love that Blair basically exists in Jane Austen novels. I’m surprised she hasn’t rediscovered petticoats yet. Depressed/confused Blair is brought out of her funk by a call from Epperly—remember the bitchy assistant from W?—who is now working for book publisher Taschen on a photo collection of “modern royalty.” For those of you that haven’t watched this episode yet, a perfect drinking game would be to take a sip every time the word “Taschen” is mentioned; I think it almost approaches double digits so be cautious with your imbibing. But seriously the episode should have been co-sponsored by Taschen…and Intermix.

Coincidentally, Lily and her brood were also picked to be part of the “modern royalty” pictorial although old Lil’s is now facing up to 10 years in prison due that whole faked affidavit fandango. But the book (and maybe the legal snafu) has brought back William Van Der Woodsen (William Baldwin) as well as mama Rhodes, CeCe! Love that old broad. Also love that her first appearance was like a Chanel dream (at least it looked like the classic label). I feel like CeCe would even have a Chanel nightgown with matching slippers. Let’s work on that, Eric Damen. Complicating matters (and royally pissing off Lily), CeCe invited her other daughter, Carol (Sheila Kelley), to participate in the shoot. Carol’s been off living a “bohemian” lifestyle in Florida, which I’m assuming means she’s never been to Sephora and has hairy pits. But frankly she looked pretty well scrubbed on her first entrance. Some of you may remember Aunt Carol from the GG flashback episode starring Brittany Snow as Lily and Krysten Ritter as Carol. Sadly, Carol’s body odor was not the major issue: Taschen cancelled the shoot due to Lily’s potential jail time.

But Carol wasn’t the only Floridian traveling up North: her daughter Charlie, played by newbie Kaylee DeFer, also snuck up to Manhattan. She wanted to check out these relatives that her mother has always told her were soooo awful. I mean naturally. Wouldn’t it have been funnier if she showed up and they were actually horrendous people and not the number one customers at Bergdorf’s? So Charlie bonded with her gorgeous, lion-mane cousin Serena…through shopping. Serena chose to show Charlie that the Upper East Side wasn’t so bad by taking her through the retail gauntlet starting with Barneys and ending at Intermix.

It’s at the latter store where the two gals run into Lily and Carol, who have weirdly patched up their animosity through memories of wanting to be Solid Gold dancers(!?!). No, I am not drunk while writing this (Rufus asked Lily a similar question). After attempting to recreate the Solid Gold look for their family photo, Lily was positively floored that they were able to find leg warmers on the Upper East Side. Clearly, this gal has never been to American Apparel.

NEXT: Charlie gets tough…and rocks a very Serena-friendly dress!

Anyways, Carol went nuclear when she spotted Charlie spending time (and money) with Serena and said they were leaving town. Carol was insistent that Charlie be raised in “the real world” and not this superficial place. Um, Carol…Florida is “the real world?” A state best known for drunk spring break trips and acres of land devoted to a giant animated mouse? Okay sure. But before she could defend her loopy statement, Serena overheard CeCe discussing how she sends Carol money every month. That bohemian hypocrite! By the way, I’ll be starting a new jam band called Bohemian Hypocrite. We’re gonna be huge.

William managed to get the photo shoot back on—something about him being friends with Shmitty Taschen or whoever heads up that company. So the whole gang ended up at the “modern royalty” photo shoot which took place somewhere with lots of marble staircases. True story: Rich people looooove marble. Unfortunately, Vanessa also showed up as a camera assistant for the day. Frankly, I’m surprised she wasn’t manning the portable espresso machine.

Dan also showed up to the photo shoot after being told he was chosen as an “up and comer” [LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE]. He assumed Blair was just trying to be in the same room with him but it was actually Chuck’s doing. After visiting Dan at the loft, Chuck began to suspect that there was something going on between him and Blair. So I can’t really tell if Blair is actually in love with Dan or is still in love with Chuck. It was all sorta confusing. Clearly, Dan had feelings for her but whether or not Blair felt the same way didn’t really come across. I’m sorta guessing that she was just suppressing her feelings for Dan with this whole Chuck thing. Right? Am I the only one confused?

So Vanessa once again overheard an important piece of information, this time that Blair and Dan kissed. Is Vanessa a mutant? Like, does she have enhanced hearing? I think we may be onto something. She always is hearing stuff! Too bad she doesn’t hear me yelling at my television for her to wear something not ugly! Oh snap! Yep, I said it!

Charlie showed up to the photo shoot in a mini-dress, clearly having learned from Serena’s tutorial in hemlines and cleavage. I sorta wish there was more of a Pretty Woman-esque makeover montage with a lot of hair flips and teeth but whatevs. By the end of the episode, Charlie stood up to her mother and told her she was going to stay in New York to get to know her family. Carol seemed a little nervous because it had only been a few months since some mysterious incident. Hmmmm. What could it be? I’m sorta guessing Charlie did like a Fatal Attraction number on some boy by the way her mama reacted to Charlie flirting with Dan.

Blair found out that Chuck had lured Dan to the photo shoot and got all upset with him. Sidebar: Didn’t Blair sorta look like a bullfighter in tonight’s episode? Anyhooo, she was all upset about never finding love or her prince charming when…an actual prince showed up!! Prince Louis was shown getting out of his limo! To be continued…

Oh and Raina and Nate sorta had a storyline about her being sad over her dead mother. Appropriately enough, most of their scenes took place around a bed because they were the TV equivalent of Nyquil. Wrap this subplot up stat.

All in all, I thought a pretty fun episode of GG. True there were some awkward moments at the photo shoot but I like the introduction of Carol and Charlie.