Gossip Girl recap: A Chuck-Blair Moment Lessens the Blow of Dan-Vanessa (Gulp) Sex

Bonjour, Gossipers.

The taste of vomit in my mouth has finally abated enough for me to form coherent thoughts about last night’s Gossip Girl, but stay tuned for spontaneous gagging when we get to the part about naked Dan and Vanessa lost in a sea of burnt orange sheets. Gah! No, no, no. Let’s think happy thoughts: Blair’s beautiful museum dress (coveted item of the week!); Nate’s shoulders; hot men who use canes; the heartbreakingly earnest moment between our most beloved couple. Sigh. That’s better. Now that I’m in my happy place, let’s back up.

We returned to Paris where — much like Serena’s legs — things were closing up in preparation for the end of summer. But not before Blair could get a second chance to bag herself a Prince. No, not “Henry Prince.” Rather, Prince Louis, who had agreed to give see Blair once more, despite last week’s disaster of a date. As Blair took off to tour Paris like the proletariat, Serena got a call from her mother, who had received “upsetting” news from the Paris police: Chuck might be dead!

Mom-der-Woodsen showed her distress, of course, by pressing her fingers against her clavicle and saying she was upset, like any decent Mombot would do. But before she got really “upset” (or “upset” anyone else), she wanted Serena to go to the morgue and ID the body. Totally appropriate thing for a young girl to do on her lonesome. No problem.

We all watched last week, so it was no surprise that Chuck was alive and that the body was that of the Chuck-beating pickpocket. But the morgue scene did give us a chance to meet the Inspector, who spent the rest of the episode (along with Serena) acting out scenes from a bad foreign procedural. I kind of wish the morgue had been the name of a sex club, as Blair suggested.

Back on the Upper East, Nate was boring his stalker/spy/new blond Juliet to death with a story she likely already knew, but was nonetheless recapped out loud for viewers who might be new to the action. (Courteous showrunners!) Further proving my belief that Nate is ten times more interesting and capable when he’s slutty, he decided he didn’t want to make decisions anymore and handed over control to Juliet. She agreed to be his “life coach” for the next 24 hours to help him sort out the Dan/Serena situation.

Juliet’s goal was to get the boys’ minds off Serena, and she started by using Vanessa, telling the gullible little gnat that Dan had admitted to having lingering feelings. It was all a lie, of course. When Nate confronted Juliet about her morally questionable approach, Juliet claimed she was “not trying to ruin people’s lives,” which in classic Gossip Girl transparent foreshadowing means that the blazer-wearing bitch (term used lovingly) is trying to ruin people’s lives. But why?

Next: The most unflattering pants in Paris of all time, and the most gorgeous dress of the season!

It’s safe to say Juliet’s attempt to push Vanessa into Dan’s arms was a success, seeing as how Vanessa landed in Dan’s lap. Yeah, they did it — and while Baby Universal Donor was in the other room. Let the childhood trauma begin.

Then, as quickly as Vanessa and Dan rekindled their connection, the boys got over Serena in tandem thanks to a rooftop chat at sundown in their his-and-his plaid shirts (the kind of scene I’d missed dearly since Laguna Beach went off the air), and Nate set his sights on wooing Juliet. Insert three ominous “dun”s here.

Back in the Gossip Girl equivalent of Sideways world, Chuck Bass, posing as some commoner who wears poor man’s pajamas, was getting ready for work. Yes, work. He and Not Blair were holed up in a room that was about the size of his mansion’s smallest bathroom.

Serena, still playing inspector, tracked him down and told him about the delinquent bills piling up. At the risk of his false identity being revealed, he played dumb and shut the door in her face. Later, he revealed to her that he didn’t care about his Bassets (Bass + assets = Blair is clever). He wanted a fresh start at any cost. “I’ve already lost the only thing I cared about; they can have everything else,” he said dramatically. Deep inside, we all know that Chuck Bass likes his riches. Even Serena knew, telling him where he could find her when he was kidding himself. Not that he’d have had to look very hard if she hadn’t given up her address; he’d merely have had to scour the city for the person wearing the most unflattering pants known to man. Knowing Serena (in those pants!) would not let up her efforts to get him to return to his old life, Chuck decided to pack up and leave Paris with Not Blair.

Back at the house, getting sparkly for a ball with the Prince, Blair disregarded Serena’s concerns about Chuck. We get it; you don’t care. Whatever. OF COURSE YOU DO! That’s why she left Harry Winston mid-shop AND ditched the Prince to go stop Chuck from leaving Paris. Well, I’m sure the monstrous would-have-been engagement ring (which was recovered from the thieves by the good people at Harry Winston) had a little something to do with it.

At the train station, Blair caught Chuck just as he was preparing to meet up with Not Blair and leave. Wearing the most gorgeous red gown, Blair poured her heart out in attempt to stop him from leaving forever, leading to the most heartbreaking Gossip Girl exchange I can recall:

Blair: I don’t think the great man you talk about wanting to be is a coward. I think he would face up to what he did.

Chuck: I destroyed the only thing I ever loved.

Blair: I don’t love you anymore…

[Chuck tears up]

Blair: …but it takes more than even you to destroy Blair Waldorf.

Chuck: The world would be easier if I didn’t come back.

Blair: That’s true…but it wouldn’t be my world without you in it.

…and then we all collapsed in a pool of sadness. And on top of that, Blair left her Prince in Paris with nothing but a shoe to remember her by, and Chuck is bringing Not Blair to New York. Unacceptable!

Seriously, I’m crushed, readers. As I go little black book this pain away, answer me this: Will Milo’s baby momma GeorGINA ever return? How soon will we get closure on the Daddy Dan issue? Who do we have to bribe at The CW to make sure our dinner stays down and Dan remains HUMP-free? Did Lily purposely dress to match her new grandson’s nursery? Speaking of which, why were the nursery men dressed like porno flick handymen? How will Serena deal with losing both men (aside from going to find someone to pass the time with…)? And most importantly, will we ever see Chair together and happy again?

QUOTABLES:

“It’s like choosing between éclairs and napoleons, they’re both delicious.” — Serena, not realizing that she’s the fondant in this metaphor since she’s been on both of them

“Except Humphrey’s a donut.” — Blair, responding to Serena’s pastry comment and simultaneously ruining donuts for everyone

“This loft is my loft. This loft is your loft. Where’s your aunt Jenny? She moved to Hudson. She wears leggings…” and is a big ho, this land was made for you and me — Dan, singing to Milo to the tune of “This Land is Your Land”

“It doesn’t change what he did instead — Jenny Humphrey.” — Blair, suddenly making it disgustingly clear to everyone why Chuck Bass would not want to be Chuck Bass anymore

“You saw me four months ago. If you thought I was pregnant, I’m offended.” — Vanessa to Serena, unaware that the orange diaper she was wearing was offending me.

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