Serena and Blair take over the City of Light -- but where the heck is Chuck?
BIENVENUE DE RETOUR Blair and Serena's summer in Paris makes for a premiere in fashion heaven.
Credit: Giovanni Rufino/The CW

It’s been a long summer Gossip Gang. And after three months of chronicling Big Brother, aka the show with the least fashionable people on TV, my eyes have never beheld a sight as sweet as the gorgeously lavish garments that were on tonight’s Gossip Girl. It was like coming home again — that is, if home is a place with baby daddies, man whores, new identities, and playful linguistic tricks that turn the ”g-i-n-a” in a person’s name into a play on the word ”vagina.” It’s great to be back. [Spoilers ahead.]

Welcome to Paris, where if you did not spend your summer being a vespa slut who paints nude men like you’re reenacting a scene in Titanic, your last name is clearly not van der Woodsen. And as usual, Serena was having enough fun for two, since Blair was still walking around with a ”Chuck-sized cloud” over her head. (To which my filthy mind replied, Really, how big IS Chuck? Help me.)

Back in New York, Nate was well on his way to finishing a book this summer — Chuck’s black book. He’d gotten all the way to ”V,” ”which stands for ‘vivid”’ and venereal. Dan, meanwhile, was foregoing human contact (and cutting his hair) in an effort to keep his and Georgina’s new baby a secret. He was doing a good job, too, until Rufus told Vanessa and her clogs to go check on Dan. That’s when she met little Milo. And let’s admit: He was a really cute baby…in a your-mom’s-a-lying-harlot sort of way.

The full scope of Georgina’s grand scheme is up in the air, but far from over, I assume. What we do know is that if Dan had in brains what he has in vacant stares, he would have had enough sense not to sign the rugrat’s birth certificate. We also know that despite her busy life, Georgina made time to learn an aggressive-sounding foreign language and (presumably) get into trouble that caused her to flee in the middle of the night, leaving Dan to play Mr. Mom. Upon reflection, I think watching Dan clean up vomit and diapers for a few episodes might make me feel vindicated enough to forgive him for the sex we had to watch him have last season.

Returning to Paris, we were led to believe Blair was wooing a royal she found in a museum. In case you’re keeping score, this would be the second royal she’s lured. Shopping ensued at places I’m not cool enough to pronounce or type correctly. But come date time (which had turned into a double by that time), Blair’s Prince tells her that he is, in fact, the driver to the royals. Serena, he said, would be going on the date with the prince. Cue: Screams of warning from everyone who has ever seen any movie about a privileged hot guy who wants a ”genuine” girl. HE WAS LYING! IT WAS OBVIOUS! If only we could have warned Blair via text not to be a bitch to the guy. Alas, Blair is Blair, and the date was doomed from the moment he opened the passenger seat door for her.

Speaking of doom, there’s nothing but bad news written all over Nate’s new squeeze Juliet (Katie Cassidy). Not only does the girl re-tag her clothes after wearing them so she can return them to the store (!), but she might be a stalker. At least, that’s what could be taken away from her wall of pictures and newspaper clippings of Nate, Serena, and Co. There’s nothing to NOT love about this whole situation. It’s time for a new crazy person in town, and Georgina’s pass to the party expired last season due to overaccessorizing.

NEXT: More great moments in catfight history!

Back at Serena and Blair’s awkward dinner, anger was the dish du jour after Blair learned from her mom that Serena was going to be attending Columbia. Tired of being one-upped in more than just the cleavage department, Blair retaliated by throwing Serena in a fountain. Greatest. Scene. Ever. The only thing that might have improved it would have been a full water wrestling match à la Hugh Grant and Colin Firth in Bridget Jones: Edge of Reason, complete with hair pulling. But then I would have had to cry over the ruined couture. The best route was definitely taken.

The same can’t be said with the handling of our dear Chuck Bass. After three months of waiting to see the outcome of Chuck’s mugging, we got our answer in a three-minute blurry mess of a montage at the end of the episode set to the tune of the Dead Weather’s ”I Can’t Hear You.”

Saved from the brink by a blond girl who doesn’t believe in hospitals, Chuck awoke to find himself with an opportunity for a new life. He took it. Now Chuck/”Henry” is seemingly settling down with Not Blair and is preparing to take a (scoff) job Not Blair’s uncle helped him get. What world is this?

But this isn’t the end for Chair Gossipers. It can’t be. It won’t be.

Now to the important stuff: What’s next? Taking theories now. Taking guesses on what’s up with Juliet. And answer me this: Are you, too, angry we didn’t see more Chuck? Did mom van der Woodsen and Dan really have a convo about his status with Serena, forgetting that they’re step-sibs (ICK!)? Do you think the future is promising for this season of Gossip Girl? What clothing item did you most covet tonight? (My pick is Blair’s cherry blouse.) And is there any better ailment than a shoe coma?


”Jenny looks good; you can even tell what color her eyes are” — Rufus, explaining Jenny’s absence to the viewers, who likely wouldn’t have noticed otherwise

”Any normal summer he’s drunk on some island where polygamy is legal.” — Serena on Chuck, possibly setting up the plot for season 5

”That Perkins hostess slept with Tiger Woods for over a year and all he got her was a chicken wrap.” — Nate, whose newish man-slut image comes with a side helping of wit (and maybe herpes…)

”Her hair lies. You can’t trust one thing that comes out of her mouth, let alone anywhere else.” — Vanessa, giving me a mental image that I thought we’d all escaped when Georgina gave birth over the summer. I knew I hated her.

”Cinderella did not Google Prince Charming.” — Serena, saying something way too clever to be from Serena

”They say it’s a broken heart, but I hurt in my whole body.” — Blair, breaking the audience’s heart and their whole body

For more Gossip Girl chatter, follow me on Twitter: @EWSandraG

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Spotted: Serena, Dan, Blair, Chuck, Vanessa, and Nate — hooking up, breaking up, and freaking out. You know you love it! XOXO!

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