'Gossip Girl' recap: School daze

OH. MY. GOD. That is what I yelled out loud while watching Marcus and Catherine make out hardcore on last night’s Gossip Girl. Holy Cougar! I was not expecting that. That is one randy middle-aged lady! Someone’s hitting her sexual peak I guess. But, um, where is the Duke? He is never around and clearly does not keep track of his bank accounts as Catherine is just writing checks left and right to random teenagers. Also, if I were Vanessa, I would have asked for way more than $5,000. Although, how many more pairs of heinous red jeans does a gal really need? And I’m going to start keeping track of this obsession she has with coffee and cafés. It’s like her whole world revolves around coffee beans. Her first scene in this episode she was carrying coffee! Clearly, the woman has a problem. Perhaps all the caffeine is affecting her eyesight, which could be the reason for her wardrobe?

But she kinda blew her relationship with Nate after the whole Duchess-Duke debacle. What’s even sadder is that this will probably mean more alone time for her in the gallery café.

Now for some good news: Lily is finally back! Now the bad news: Rufus is wearing denim shirts! In any case, it was great to see these two together again. I love that they went to Landmark’s Sunshine Cinema — my favorite New York movie theater, TV Watchers. And that they share a love of Harry Dean Stanton! Didn’t Bart basically make her promise to let go of Rufus? Clearly this lady doesn’t have much of a memory. I have a feeling things will change once the elder Bass gets back into town.

I loved Blair in her cape, presiding over the projects/rejects of the school. What high school girls wear capes? It fit, though, with the whole inquisition portion of the episode. “Where do you summer?” she asked one candidate. “The Adirondacks,” said the girl, embarrassed. Ouch. Clearly she was not a guest at the Vitamin-water product-placement party. Blair was in full bitch mode in this episode, and it could not have been more enjoyable to watch. Leighton Meester is really firing on all cylinders this season.

Poor Jenny. High school is hard enough, but being so completely ignored by Blair and her cool posse is a real bummer. I love that Penelope warned her, “Your day will come. We’re just picking our moment.” But then when they finally did have their moment, they just emptied out her purse. Laaaame. At least hobble her with your field hockey stick or something. That reminds me: Since when do these girls participate in athletics? I just can’t see them running around. At least not without Fendi field hockey sticks and Gucci sweatbands. So it appears that Jenny’s answer to the mean girls is simply to ditch school and go to her internship. Since Jenny is the worst liar in the world (hello, stolen Valentino dress!), I doubt she’s going to be able to get away with this for long.

NEXT: Jocks vs brains

Major question: How does Serena get away with wearing a tee-shirt and loose tie while the fellas have to wear the full jacket and tie getup? I know she’s purdy but that doesn’t seem fair. But I’ll give the girl a break since she had such trouble accepting that Dan moved on before her. Love the fact that this entire breakup is bringing out Diva Serena. I’m ready for her to go full-court Heather Locklear from Melrose Place. How hot did she look in what I believe was a Herve Leger bandeau dress on her “date” with Dan and Amanda? How could Dan even pay attention to Ms. Sad Bangs? Serena’s flirty little looks at the lacrosse player were perfection. My favorite line came when Serena described Dan to the jock: “Dan’s not a big sports guy. He likes poets. And letters to poets.”

Dan has kinda become a big wet mop. For a guy who hates cliques and gossip, he’s been awfully judgmental. And I need for him to stop wearing vests everywhere. I love a vest as much as the next guy (especially sweater vests! I love a sweater vest like Vanessa likes a medium Colombian breakfast blend) but it’s starting to get a little out of hand.

Um, I already hate Amanda. She didn’t even have to speak, but her little Jenny Lewis-esque doe eyes and sad bangs said it all: She was going to be the too-cute-for-words rebound girl for Dan. As Blair put it, “This girl is Dan with boobs.” Gag me. At least she didn’t seem to last for long. Was that Nair that Penelope threw in Amanda’s hair? I couldn’t really tell because I was too distracted by Chuck’s shiny purple suit. And then it turned out Amanda’s actually in cahoots with Mr. Bass? It was too many twists for one episode. I can only take so many double crosses and red jeans in one hour. It did, however, set in motion what looks to be a most excellent story line: Blair vs. Serena. This story line has the potential to be the Upper East Side’s own Wrestlemania but with even better makeup and tights!

The most genius scene was the final one, in which Dan was pretty much ignored by everyone in the courtyard, while Serena (in slo-mo of course), sauntered over to him and basically stared in disgust, while her minions trailed behind her. It made me giggle with glee.

What did you think of Gossip Girl? Will Serena ever take Dan back? Will Jenny ever go back to school?

More Gossip Girl and EW links of the day:
Gossip Girl: Season 1’s Best and Worst

Emmy Fashion: Best and Worst Dressed

Heroes recap: A Brand New Day

The Hills recap: Dating Games

Dancing With the Stars recap: Fringe-worthy

Sound Bites: The Funniest Moments on TV Last Night