Chuck squanders his chance to run his father's empire, while Blair and Dan's secret goes public, and Lily and Rufus deal with the fact they'll never meet their son...or will they?

By Tim Stack
Updated January 13, 2009 at 05:00 AM EST
Gossip Gone Will
Credit: Craig Blankenhorn/The CW
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‘Gossip Girl’ recap: No more second chances

I’m not sure twist-a-palooza is an actual term but that just feels like the most appropriate description of last night’s Gossip Girl. Hookers! Skeevy uncles! Dead sons! Alive sons! Chuck bringing Blair flowers!

It’s so nice to have bad boy Chuck back! And I actually was kind of moved that Bart left Chuck controlling stake in Bass Industries. He actually believed in his little dapper dude. Also, thanks for showing up Nate. Where the hell have you been this whole time? But back to Chuck, I like this whole power struggle between him and his eeeeevil Uncle Jack. And whatever gets him back to his party boy days is fine by me! One thing that bugged me: How old were those escorts that Jack arranged to swing by? They looked like they rode Razor scooters over.

Poor Blair is just a glutton for punishment. She’s trying her darnedest to get Chuck to be a good man and a steady boyfriend but he can’t help but sway over to the dark side. Also, that dress she wore for their dinner date that never happened was AH-MAZING. You know I love anything that sparkles!

Well, we now know that Vanessa has a hankering for both caffeine and gummy candy. It’s almost like she’s a well-rounded character! Or more like a walking cavity. Who goes to the candy store past the age of 12? Granted it is the classy and famous Dylan’s Candy Store but still. At least we know she’s alive after being MIA. I can’t believe I’m about to endorse something Vanessa wore but I did like the coat and the bag she wore to Dylan’s Candy Shop. I’m not sure I believe Nelly Yuki being malicious and stealing Dan’s phone. His sister just tried to help her last week and now she’s all about sabotaging Dan? The highlight of this whole scene, though, was definitely the return of the trio of young Gossip Girl readers. Their takedown of Vanessa was genius: ”Dating Nate Archibald after striking out with Dan Humphrey? Talk about dating upwards.” Tell it like it is, girls.

I’m a little surprised that the GG gays, Eric and Jonathan, are being so patient and supportive of Little J., especially now that she keeps interrupting their romantic times. And, personally, I would not tolerate that haircut. If she wanted to interrupt my dinner date, there would first have to be a quick trip to the salon. Speaking of, that little braid she rocked at the big brunch looked like the equivalent of a more stylish rat-tail. Please, no more. Anyways, if the gays drop her, who’s she gonna hang out with? Dorota? There are basically zero high schoolers left who could tolerate splitting a green tea Pinkberry with her. While we’re on the subject of people who hate Jenny, I’m totally into the mean girls, especially Penelope. With Georgina out of the picture (at least for the moment), the show really needs a villain and these ladies are a welcome vicious circle.

NEXT: Chuck’s caught playing in his office

The most dramatic moment of the evening was definitely the surprise brunch that Blair threw for Chuck. Also, it was the setting for my favorite Blair line of the night, directed at the judgmental Serena: ”Spare me those expressive eyebrows. I can’t wait until you get Botox.” And I love when Eric told Jenny she was being annoying. I’ve been waiting for someone to say that, I mean, beside myself each week in these recaps! The truth finally came out about the Lily and Rufus’ love child, and the kids seemed to all take it fairly well.

That was a fairly racy little moment that Blair and the board members caught Chuck in. It looked like he was snorting something amidst the half-naked ladies! Hello 8 o’clock show! As much as I like Chuck and Blair together, she had to give up on him. And the flowers were a nice touch but, take note unfaithful men, a trip to the florist can’t trump a night with whores. Once you catch your crush doing drugs and surrounded by half-naked ho’s, you gotta cut and run. That concludes this week’s Gossip Girl dating lesson.

Well, I guess Lily and Rufus have made up! Apparently, searching for the illegitimate son they gave up for adoption is some kind of aphrodisiac because the two got it on. And is it me or is Rufus flat-ironing his hair? Maybe he stole Nate’s when he was staying with the Humphreys? This whole Lily and Rufus baby thing is really weird in terms of its effect on Serena, Dan, Eric, and Jenny. As Serena told Eric, ”I had a enough trouble with mom and Rufus dating. But now I share a sibling with my boyfriend? That’s a little more hillbilly than I can handle.” Like are they all now considered step-siblings? Because S. and Dan have totally done the nasty and that is, well, gross. It sure looked like they were moving forward as a family from the final scene of everyone at the Humphrey abode. But, of course the big news is that the adopted parents of Lily and Rufus’ son, Andrew, lied to them about him being alive. They made up some story about him drowning because they had already lost one son and weren’t about to lose another. Do you think the other son was the one that drowned? Or did something else mysterious happen? I’m totally into this story line but, again I would like to plead with CW casting, if Andrew does eventually show up, he needs to be attractive; please don’t Aaron Rose us again. I can’t go through it. I won’t.

What did you think of this week’s Gossip Girl? Will Chuck get back control of Bass Industries? Why is Jenny so annoying? What’s the deal with Andrew?

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Gossip Girl

Spotted: Serena, Dan, Blair, Chuck, Vanessa, and Nate — hooking up, breaking up, and freaking out. You know you love it! Xoxo!
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