'Gossip Girl' recap: A mother of a time

Well, the Hamptons were certainly fun while they lasted, Gossip Girl fans. We got one last small taste of the good life in this episode (not to mention an opening close-up of Penn Badgely’s nipple. Good morning!) But my biggest question is: Did Serena have sex with Dan while he wore her grandpa’s old suit? She totally wrapped Gramps’ old linen blazer around her very cute bra in the morning, so I think it’s a fair question. I don’t care how many times that thing was dry-cleaned, it’s still a little too close for comfort. And now she’s not sure if she and Dan should get back together? Um hello — didn’t you spend your entire summer boo-hooing about how much you missed him?

The duo did share a hilariously sexual trip on the Jitney back to the city, although I don’t really see Dan as a Nylon reader. But really? Sex in a Jitney bathroom? This after doing the deed on your grandpa’s clothes? It’s like they’re auditioning for a really kinky episode of Red Shoe Diaries. This back-and-forth, though, is already starting to get old. Thankfully (and I know this because I’ve seen next week’s episode) we will have an answer to the whole will-they-won’t-they question.

Nate headed back to the city, too, but not before chatting with Crazy-Eyed Mama Archibald. She always seems like she just accidentally pooped her pants, with her eyes bulging and tense vocal pattern; maybe her incontinence is why Nate’s father really left. And how about those giant hellhounds the Archibalds own? Good Lord. Mrs. Archibald should bust out those horses when the FBI come a-callin’. On the plus side, that lady has an amazing Hamptons home! Although who knows how much longer they’ll be able to keep the house since the FBI has frozen all of their assets.

Who knew Blair Waldorf was such an avid cyclist? She’s become so much more outdoorsy and athletic since she started seeing Lord Marcus (or as she calls him, M’Lord). She’s also insecure because it seems as though he doesn’t want to introduce her to his family (“It’s the season for flings — tennis pros and townies. I’m a secret summer shame!”) Her battle with Chuck has allowed her some very creative ways to turn his last name into profanity, with tonight’s use of “Basshole” quite humorous. I’m not really digging Chuck’s hair side part. It’s like he’s slicking all the hair back instead of getting a much-needed trim. I do, however, love that Blair’s answer to everything is a party, as evidenced by her last-minute soiree (with a help from Dorotta, who’s becoming one of my fave characters. Love her in uniform at the party but still rockin’ big M.K. Olsen-style sunglasses).

NEXT: Party time

Blair’s party, held at the lovely Hudson Hotel, was where many of the episodes twists came out into the open. Catherine is Marcus’ mother! Nate and Blair are now dating mother and son! Chuck sold his shares of the club to help bail out Nate’s mom! Nate wore a windbreaker to Blair’s party! Blair has tan lines! Nate is Catherine’s gigolo! Frankly, the tan lines threw me for the biggest loop. It was a lot of information but was all deliciously juicy. And I think I have to give the best-dressed award to Madchen Amick for her party dress. Of course, it was over her head for at least one scene, but it still looked smashing. A close second goes to Serena’s beautiful blue gown. Blair scores for best line of the night: “Oh my effing God!”

And we finally got a chance to see Lily’s apartment, which had been in the process of remodeling for all of last season. Well, at least we saw the kitchen and some questionable decorating choices. I don’t think that Lily Van der Woodsen would purchase a big porcelain Buddha that screams Urban Outfitters, but I could be wrong.

Poor, poor Vanessa’s entire life revolves around espresso apparently. She seemingly spent the entire summer turning a storage space at Rufus’ gallery into a café. No wonder she has no friends. I wouldn’t wanna talk about bean preparation and steaming techniques either. My colleague Michael Ausiello thinks that she and Rufus had odd sexual tension in this episode. What do you think, TV Watchers? I’m kinda on the fence. I think Rufus might just be acting sweet and throwing her a bone in a “Aw, this is how you spent your summer?” kind of way. She even planned a romantic night with Nate. At the coffee shop! It might be time to step away from the coffee-bean grinder, Vanessa. You’re clearly obsessed. And take down the twinkle lights. They make the place look a little tacky.

So, it appears Rufus has given up life on the road in order to stay home with his family. Was he really going to trust Vanessa to keep an eye on the gallery and on the kids? Just because she’s home-schooled doesn’t mean that she’s an au pair, Rufus. It’s good for Dan and Jenny, though, because apparently Pops makes homemade gnocchi! Don’t let that guy leave town.

What did you think of last night’s Gossip Girl? Is there hope still for Nate and Vanessa?