“Hot in, so hot in herre!” seems to be the overarching theme for the Girls tonight as pressure from all sides is mounting and the heat is ratcheted up a few notches for Rio’s angels.
The Girls are watching Beth’s kids play in her backyard, debating whether or not to tell Rio that his boy’s been flipped by the feds. Doing so, they know, will surely be sentencing the kid to die. In an attempt to humanize him, Annie reminds them that his name is Eddie, that he likes his mom, vintage watches, and Mexican food. While Beth insists he’s not going to be killed, Annie points out that telling Rio doesn’t mean that they’re going to go to couples’ therapy to work it out. Ruby saliently reminds Beth that ratting on Eddie is a line that, once crossed, there’s no return. “Then we don’t come back,” Beth coldly says.
At Ruby’s day job, she’s finally getting the hang of working the drive-thru. Side note: All the spouts on the fountain soda machine have the Dandy Donuts logo. How are they supposed to know which drink they’re pouring? Anyway, Ruby is so adept at things that her manager tells her she’s ready for the night shift, which is supposedly a promotion since it pays an extra 75 cents an hour. She rebuffs his offer, telling him she has two kids. Her phone starts ringing, and the news on the other end of the line is enough to make her start screaming.
It’s finally Sara’s turn at the top of the donor list for a new kidney! Stan and Ruby give Sara a new cell phone to make sure they don’t miss the call. The two parents celebrate as they usually do with song and dance (“Top of the list! New kidney!”), and Sara stares at them, mouth agape, until she asks if she can go do homework. “Oh my god, I love you, you’re such a nerd,” Ruby responds. After the kids both go to their rooms, Ruby and Stan get down to discussing the business of this life-changing news: Insurance will only cover some of the transplant. They still have to come up with 100Gs out of their own pocket. Stan nudges her gently on whether or not she’s heard from corporate regarding her secret shopper business, but as we all know, business is still stalled.
At Beth’s house, Annie and Dean are feeling the walls closing in on them a bit, and they start to snipe at each other as the result of being under the same roof. Annie’s staying there because she can’t be alone with Sadie at Greg’s, and she absolutely resents how much it seems her sister seems to be letting Greg back in — both literally and figuratively. Before they can really get into it, Beth pulls Annie away so they can go meet Rio at an abandoned loading dock.
Rio tells the Girls he needs them to go pick up a truck at a garage. When Beth asks him what’s in it, he tells her it’s none of their concern. Beth starts to broach the topic of Eddie, but Ruby cuts her off. When Annie then tries again to bring up the snitch, Rio grows impatient and asks if they’re down to do this or not. “Hey, we got 99 problems, but this b–tch ain’t one,” Ruby assures him before asking where they keys are.
On the way to the parking garage, Beth confesses that she thinks they’re going to get “pinched” the second they pull away with the truck. Ruby tells them that Sara will be bumped off the list if they don’t get the money as they need to pay upfront before the surgery. Annie asks if they can finance it, but Beth chides her, “It’s a kidney, not a refrigerator.” (Recap continues on next page)
The truck is a yellow moving truck parked on the roof level of a parking garage. The Girls debate what’s in it (Annie guesses dozens of bodies) before Ruby is ready to get back to business and demands the keys from Beth. Beth makes a suggestion that compels Ruby to consider asking Stan if he and his cop friends have an eye on a truck potentially filled with dead bodies. “Well, I would be a little bit more subtle, but that’s your call,” Beth deadpans.
Still the dutiful employee, Annie’s back on the checkout line at Fine & Frugal, and I inwardly groan when Mary Pat pulls her cart into Annie’s queue. Mary Pat is like a cold sore that keeps cropping up when you least want it to. She tells one of her sons to go get baby formula, but nothing organic or expensive as a “few pesticides never hurt anybody.” Then she starts laying it on thick, telling Annie about how her hot water heater cost nearly 10 grand, and now she’s clearly hitting her up for free groceries. At first Annie balks, and calls over the store loudspeaker for a restock at her register, causing the other series’ cold sore, Boomer, to look up from whatever menial task he’s doing to check out what’s going on. Mary Pat asks Annie if she has a house account or a “how-about-you-gave-me-like-counterfeit-money-to-spend account”? It takes asking about the “I’m-what’s-keeping-you-out-of-jail account” before Annie relents and ponies up her own money to buy Mary Pat all her groceries, including the expensive baby formula her son brings her.
Trying to do recon work on her own husband, Ruby turns to Mary Jane for help. The pot is from 2003, though, and I’m a bit dubious as to how effective it would be, but Ruby works her magic with some Nelly lyrics as she and Stan spark it.
Meanwhile, Dean is trying to work his own magic with a desk that on the surface looks like a space where Beth can do her crafts, but really can hide her cash so she doesn’t have to hide it in the dog food container. Beth woefully brings up not having anything to stash anymore, but Dean assures she will. Dean seeing Beth as less of a boring housewife and more of the badass she wants to be causes her to put a “W” in Dean’s column as she tells him she loves it. Watching the entire display play out causes Annie to be nauseated as she shares a fun fact with her nephew: “The girl preying mantis eats the boy after having sex. She just bites his weenie little head right off.”
After, the sisters argue about Dean trying to weasel his way back into their marriage. Annie even goes so far as to tell Beth that he lucked out on having cancer before reminding her that he cheated on her and almost left their family homeless. In a tough love bid, she makes Beth say aloud what Dean bought his mistress, and after Beth says “underwear,” Annie snaps back, “Nah, that was not underwear, baby girl. That was bedazzled vagina floss, okay?” Annie then says what we’ve all thought for a while now: “You can’t do both. You can’t be this sweet little wifey, and then also this, like, bad ass criminal boss lady.” Beth smiles and answers, “I sound like Carmen Sandiego.” “You should be so cool,” Annie tells her.
Back at Ruby and Stan’s house, the two are baked and Stan has the munchies. He retreats to the kitchen to forage for cheese puffs and cookie dough while Ruby calls Annie on her cell. She literally cannot remember what she’s supposed to ask Stan. When Annie laughably reminds her, Ruby asks Annie if she can just ask him, even offering to put him on speakerphone. “Trust me, that would be super weird. Just slip it in there, no big deal,” Annie assures her stoned friend. I die laughing when Stan comes back with his goodies, and immediately Ruby says, “Hey babe — that gangster kid that you all flipped, did he say something about a truuuuuuck or something?” Yep, real casual, Ruby. Reno Wilson plays the moment out perfectly, allowing for an uncomfortably long pause before jumping back into bed with an “Aight, so…we sit this kid down, and before we can even start my man’s acting like he’s about to be waterboarded…” Ruby was not kidding when she told Annie that Stan gets super chatty when he’s stoned. He sings as much as he’s telling her Eddie did.
Speaking of singing, Boomer is trying to get Tyler, the clueless security guard, to tell him about Mary Pat. Under false pretense, Tyler ends up telling him that he knows Mary Pat from his “side job.” When it’s obvious that Tyler is not going to say what his side job is, serpentine Boomer tries a different tact, and tells Tyler that Mary Pat forgot her club card. Tyler continues to be less than helpful, though, as he doesn’t have Mary Pat’s phone number, but he does follow her on Instagram.
The Girls’ chemistry is at peak in this scene where Beth and Annie are grilling Ruby about how sure she is that the cops don’t know anything about the truck they’re supposed to pick up. They ask her for a percentage of certainty, and when birth control stats start getting invoked, it’s the perfect burn when, after Annie tells them that the pill is like 91 percent effective for most people, Ruby responds, “For you it was zero.” Annie then asks Ruby if she even remembers calling her, and if she remembers that she was so high that she forgot why she got high in the first place. After, it’s decided that they’re going to chance taking the truck, and Beth suggests drawing straws to see who will drive. Annie says she always loses at straws and would rather do Rock, Paper Scissors, but Beth points out that they can’t do that with three people because…basic math.
In what is arguably the best scene in the entire season, it initially looks like Beth drew the short straw as she’s seen getting into the truck and starting the ignition. But it then cuts to a group shot, and we intermittently see the three of them walking slow motion on the roof and three identical trucks leaving the garage. Like The Italian Job, the Girls brilliantly decided to get two more trucks and have each of them drive one out so in case they are being watched, the cops won’t know which one to go after. I honestly may or may not have cheered. And when Annie says to her sisters-in-crime on speakerphone that they should have a movie made about them, it’s pure comedy gold when Ruby tells her no thanks because then she’d be relegated to the “wise-cracking black getaway driver with one line who dies five minutes in.” I’m laughing so hard that I almost miss Ruby and Beth telling Annie she’d be the Joe Pesci of their group. It’s all funny until Beth realizes she’s being tailed by the police. Trying to keep calm, Beth tells Annie and Ruby everything they would need to know in order to take care of her kids, including their entire calendar. When the cop finally pulls her over, Beth is unnervingly calm as she pitches the female officer a clever lie about having a domestic issue. In yet another cop/car scene with these Girls, I barely breathe as the cop finally makes Beth open up the truck to see what’s inside.
It turns out Tyler wasn’t so useless after all. Boomer hunts down Mary Pat at a church choir rehearsal. He hits on her in the park after practice, and when she turns him down at first, she admits that her husband died six months ago, and she’s not sure she’s ready to get back out there. I reluctantly feel sorry for her when she relays how her husband died of a heart attack after playing water guns with their kids and how now the son thinks he killed his father because he shot him in the chest with a Super Soaker. Damn.
I find myself both relieved and disappointed after Beth shows up to the loading dock to drop off the truck for Rio. The disappointment is mainly because throughout this entire uncomfortable scene, I keep waiting for them to just kiss but they don’t and frankly, I almost needed to take a cold shower after the let-down. The sexual tension is so thick, and, instead, this scene is Rio being as Rio as he can be, going so far as to fire Beth. “What me and you had is done — over,” he tells her after telling them the entire truck pickup was a test to see if Eddie had talked. He references Eddie in the past tense, though, and after Beth realizes this, she then also understands that there’s no way that Rio will let any of them live.
The Girls are poring over online news stories to figure out if Eddie was really capped or not. Unconvinced that Rio will follow through with the threat to literally fire them, Beth tells them he just looked funny to her. Annie shares a story about great white sharks and how they have inky black eyes that turn white right before they kill you.
Mary Pat brings Boomer back to her house after their coffee date. They nerd out over hymns until Mary Pat brings up her dead husband by telling Boomer that Jeff was really into “hard rock” because he knew every Creed song. As another side note: Who was watching her kids while she was out at choir practice and then on a coffee date with live-action evil Flanders? Mary Pat tries to keep the date going by putting on some tea (total obvious Mary Pat code for “they’re going to get it on”), and as she’s in the kitchen, we watch Boomer open up the hymnal he’s been toting around all evening. Inside, the pages are cut out and there’s a recording device, which he flips on before closing the book and putting it on Mary Pat’s bookshelf. Mary Pat calls him “honey” and he calls her “dear,” and…just gross.
In separate scenes, Beth and Annie get their affairs in order when it comes to their kids. Beth creates a gorgeous, elaborate family calendar that even Martha Stewart would be jealous of, and Annie awkwardly leaves a million voicemails for Sadie before getting called out by Greg because she’s sitting in her car outside of his house as she’s leaving these messages. It seems that whatever had sparked between them is finally out, thought, as Greg tells Annie to take care of herself.
At Castle Hill, Ruby asks Stan what it would take for him to leave her, and he jokes, “Become a Packer fan.” She seemingly starts to tell him the truth, but before she can really get there they’re interrupted by the call they’ve been waiting for: A kidney that’s a perfect match has become available.
The next day at Beth’s house, the Girls are discussing possibly turning themselves in when Beth drops this Once Upon a Time gem of a theory on them: “All those fairytales they told us when we were little girls, the moral were always if you’re good, you’ll get good things, and if you’re a d–k, you get punished. But what if the people who made up those stories are the d–ks? What if the bad people made all that up so the good people never got anything good?” Ruby asks her what the takeaway is, and after Beth answers that Rio should be the one in jail, not them, Ruby says, “Then let’s put him there.”
It’s getting hot in herrrrrre…