The Girls outsource work, but learn that good help is hard to find
Guess who’s back, back again? Nana’s back, tell a friend. That’s right, Boomer’s beloved Nana (Oscar nominee June Squibb) is in the houuuuse! Well, first she’s at the Fine & Frugal, but a lot happens before that, so let’s not waste time.
Especially since according to his doctor, Dean doesn’t have much time to spare seeing as he has prostate cancer. Yes, degenerate Dean has hired some equally degenerate MD (who I presume is at least a real MD as I can’t imagine the two idiots would be able to pull off an entire front of a medical office) with a used car (though, as Dean points out, it’s new to the doctor) to lie to Beth and tell her that he has cancer. Beth’s only concern, though, is how much Dean’s treatment will cost.
At the same time that the exam sham is going down, we watch as the SUV that the girls took on their wrapping paper sojourn north is being pulled from the lake where they sank it. FBI agent Turner is on the scene and seems extra happy to see that the license plate holder on the car has the Boland Motors logo on it.
At Ruby’s house, Sara is still recovering and the rest of her family is trying to at least make her laugh by rapping Doug E. Fresh and Slick Rick’s “La-Di-Da-Di,” and I have to say, they’ve got skills. But Sara still isn’t feeling it because the poor baby is just not feeling well. After their performance, Ruby lies to Stan and tells him she’s going to be at the diner all day.
At her real job, though, she’s bemoaning payday after Beth hands Ruby her thin stack of bills with a green band. Considering the effort they’re putting in, the reward is clearly not worth the risk. Ruby laments that this piddling amount won’t even make a dent in Sara’s care, as Annie gets annoyed that her custody lawyer is charging her for messaging her on Facebook. After Ruby asks her why she would think her custody lawyer wouldn’t charge her for that, Annie answers, “Cause we’re friends on Facebook.”
Ruby wants them to cut their losses now before they get caught or shot, and so that night during their drop-off, she tries to convince them to get out. “We didn’t sign a contract,” she insists. “Dude, we’ve been laundering fake money for a street gang. It’s not a college internship. We can’t be like, ‘thanks, bye, I learned so much.’ There’s no getting out,” Annie chastises. Rio catches the tail end of their conversation and asks what they think they’re getting out of. As has been the case for the past few episodes, rather than see them out, Beth digs them deeper and asks Rio for a bigger job. She brazenly tells him that they’re going to need 5x more in order to turn a profit and make it worth it for them. “You wanna clean 500Gs?” he asks in a tone that’s both surprised and amused. “We can do it,” Beth promises him as Annie croaks, “We can?” Beth drops a “go big or go home” before literally going home with half a million dollars for them to launder.
Ruby can’t believe that Beth got them on the hook for more, but Beth maintains they just need more hands. “I know tons of women who can use extra cash,” she asserts. “This isn’t Mary Kay. You can’t just serve a b–ch a mini muffin and invite her to join you in a life of crime,” Ruby responds in the best line of the episode.
But as always, Beth has a plan. They invite four fellow moms and Tyler, the Fine & Frugal security guard, over to introduce them to the prospect of being secret shoppers. According to the elaborate scheme developed by the girls, stores hire companies like the one they work for to send in people to pretend to be shoppers. All these people have to do is go into stores, buy stuff, and then return it. To make the “job” seem more believable, the girls tell them that when they’re done they have to fill out a survey so that everyone can learn how good or bad the service is. When the women start to say they need to ask their husbands before they can do this, Annie reiterates they have to uphold the “secret” part of the job just before Beth gives them a speech, citing the opportunity to be strong, independent women. When Tyler points out that he’s not a woman, Beth lays down the one thing that is the truth in all of this: Ever since she started this, her perspective has changed entirely. Before they can contemplate wiggling off the hook, Annie throws in that the shopper of the year will win a new Corvette, hoping they’ll forget about this promise by year-end. Because, yeah, it’s highly likely that people would forget about being promised a fancy sports car.
Speaking of new cars, Agent Turner pays Dean a visit at his dealership to tell him the good news about the SUV being found. When Dean is confused as to why someone would steal a car just to sink it, Turner reveals that Dean’s wife might know why.
And now back to adorable Marion who is looking for her favorite mints at the Fine & Frugal, when she recognizes Annie at the same time that Boomer walks up to Annie’s checkout line to make sure his nana is fine. Confused as to how they know each other, Nana tells him that Annie works for social services (the same line the girls originally gave Marion in order to gain access to her apartment) and came to clean her apartment. Boomer initially makes Annie squirm in her obvious ruse, but she fights back with his pathetic lie of being engaged to Jessica Alba. Clearly jealous of his nana’s affection for Annie, Boomer tries reminding her of his friendship and availability, but Nana tells him that sometimes a woman just needs another woman to talk to. When Annie asks her about her friends, Marion responds, “They’re all dead.”
Before this sadness can even fully permeate, Tyler the security guard interrupts and asks if he can talk to Annie. Turns out all the stuff he bought — 20K worth — was stolen from his POS car.
As Annie learned, it’s a massive problem if you’re unable to return the goods for the real cash since that’s the entire point, and losing the items themselves is even worse than losing the receipt. After telling the girls that Tyler screwed up, she is convinced they’re going to need to rob again and she hands out the ski masks that started it all. Ruby is hell-bent on never robbing again and even suggests stiffing the secret shoppers instead. But Beth doesn’t want to be reported for fraud, and as incentive, Annie shares with them how bodies are made into soup and poured into oil drums so that cops can’t tell whether or not you’re a human or a large dog. In yet another stroke of criminal genius Beth realizes they don’t need to come up with the money on their own, they just need the merchandise.
Wearing bad wigs, Beth and Annie go back to Cloud 9. As Annie buys everything that Tyler had originally bought before it was stolen, Beth buys a cartful of random crap. Ruby sits in the car, waiting, and she is annoyed by a teenager selling candy bars for a field trip, though not as annoyed when she realizes he sold her a nougat bar. As Beth checks out, Annie watches a few feet away, keeping one eye on her sister and the other on the store security guard diligently checking leaving customers’ receipts. As soon as Beth is stopped by the detectors, causing the guard to stop her, Annie rolls past with her shoplifted cart of goods. Beth, meanwhile, tells the guard that she merely forgot she had picked up a scarf to try it on, and since she’s got a mile-long receipt indicating she’s clearly a paying customer (plus, let’s be real: She’s a white, affluent-looking woman in the suburbs), it’s implied that the guard assumes it was an innocent mistake. Annie and nougat-hating Ruby load up her goodies and set off to return all the items at a different store.
High off her successful plan, Beth unwittingly walks right into Dean’s web as soon as she gets home. He tells her how Agent Turner confronted him with the SUV story but assures her that he covered for her. In turn, however, he wants to know what the real story is. She tries the pity angle, reminding him that they needed money. “You get a job!” he yells, and after Beth points out that she did just that, he comes back with, “I meant like Panera or something!” For the first time since we’ve met him, Dean senses he has an upper hand in their relationship and goes back for seconds by trying to take control of the situation. He assumes that the “bounce house guy” put Beth up to this life of crime because clearly his Beth could only be the victim in this repugnant scenario. It’s not entirely apparent whether he genuinely just sees Beth as an innocent or if he just needs to believe this in order to make any possible marital betrayal easier to swallow if his wife was taken advantage of. I suspect it’s a little of both. Beth lets Dean believe his charade, at least for a little while longer.
Ruby’s diner charade game has come to an end as she comes home to find her boss Tony there. He heard about Sara’s relapse and came to bring the family food. “If I had known what was happening with your family, I wouldn’t have let you go,” he offers. After he leaves, Stan is so rightfully upset that he ignores Ruby, who continues to feed him more lies. Stan puts the nail in Ruby’s coffin of guilt by finally telling her he doesn’t believe anything she says.
Skeletons keep tumbling out of closets during dinner when Boomer lets jealousy get the best of him by badmouthing Annie to Marion and Marion replies by telling him she saw Jessica Alba in a magazine. She tells Boomer she knows Jessica is not only a huge celebrity, but also that she’s married with two children. “You always had trouble meeting people, and I thought it wasn’t your fault,” Marion starts. After he affirms that it isn’t, she delivers the most epic Nana burn in the history of grandmas: “I love you, Leslie, I do, but Annie’s not the loser here.”
Fueled by the heat from Nana’s roast, Boomer goes running back to Turner to see if he’s any further in his case that will surely vindicate him in his grandmother’s eyes and finally enact revenge on the other woman who’s scorned him. But Turner pretends he doesn’t even see the belligerent and delusional Boomer as he’s eventually escorted out of the FBI office.
As the girls wait for Rio to come do pickup, Beth admits that Dean knows everything because the FBI found their 4-wheel Titanic. She assures them that Dean covered for them before Rio shows up to collect. As his boys are counting the 500Gs, Beth asks Rio how he keeps eluding everyone. “I flip my game,” he eventually reveals. Annie hilariously explains to him that Beth “knows all those words individually, but not, like, in a row.” He explains that while everyone else is doing the typical thing, he’s over here “with a bunch of suburban b–ches selling Monopoly money.” He gives them their cut of $60,000, and then announces he’s upping their drop to 750 because “they delivered.”
As the girls are celebrating at a bar, Beth declares that she’s planned everything out: They’re going to get out after six months when they’ve got enough money for Sara’s medical bills and any extra medical fees, for Annie’s custody attorney fees, for Beth’s accounts to be back in black, and for a honey pot. After Ruby asks what the honey pot is for, Beth explains that it’s so that they never have to rob a grocery store again.
The Girls also come up with a solution for Ruby and Stan: She discloses that she’s started a secret shopping business, but was afraid it would fail. She she tells him this is why she lied about the diner job as she proceeds to take out stack after stack until 20 grand is sitting on their dining room table. “It’s very lucrative,” she explains. “I can see that,” he says.
Annie visits Marion to admit that they were originally at her house to rob her. She then hands the old woman a paper bag with an accordion Hummel, explaining that she couldn’t find the little drummer boy (cough, Rio, cough). “Marion, I’m really sorry,” she says with tears in her eyes. Rather than getting upset, though, Marion invites her in for a drink. “Just to be totally clear, you understand I stole from you, right?” an incredulous Annie asks. “Did you have a good reason?” Marion counters, “I hate to drink alone.”
Now completely unhinged and desperate to boot, Boomer asks Darren, one of his stock boys, for drugs. In a scene reminiscent of Who’s on First?, Darren plays completely dumb when Boomer asks him for “party favors.” Darren proudly answers they can be found in aisle 9. When Boomer flat out tells him he wants drugs, Darren still doesn’t bite, instead telling his boss he can find “cold and flus” in aisle 8. It’s not until Boomer tells him that there’s no way a stock boy drives a luxury car that Darren gives him the full inventory. Boomer buys Darren out and plants everything in Annie’s employee locker.
Beth comes home laden with grocery bags. Her front door keys don’t work, though, and Dean says he’s changed the locks so that she will feel safe in her own home. He also proclaims that he’s going to have Fred, his employee who just had twins, close up every night at the dealership so that Beth doesn’t have to be home alone. After Dean says that the bounce house guy will not mess with her “on his watch,” Beth decides she can’t participate in Dean’s charade any longer. She flat out laughs at him and tells him that he has no idea who she is. “That little wifey who loved to make you dinner? She has left the building and she is NOT coming back,” she informs him before dumping the contents of the grocery bags in his laps. As Dean sits there, completely confused and covered in bundled stacks of Andrew Jackson, Beth finishes with, “Let Fred go back to his babies. I’m not afraid of the dark.”
Guess who’s back, back again? Bethy’s back, tell a friend. She’s created a monster, ’cause nobody wants to see the housewife no more…Now this looks like a job for Bethy so everybody just follow Bethy cause we are gonna get a whole lot of controversy…