If anyone deserves to take on the party playlist for a bar mitzvah, it’s the writers of Glee. As luck would have it, little Myron Muskovitz is the superintendent’s nephew, and even though he looks to be in the single-digit age range, this kid has specific ideas on how he will officially become a man. There’s only one group in town who can meet the high standards of this tiny terror. Grab a yarmulke, New Directions. It’s time to get funky.
It all begins when Sue asks Superintendent Harris to sign a letter of recommendation for her “Principal of the Year” application. Harris agrees and asks for a favor in return. Enter Myron Muskovitz played by the effervescent J.J. Totah. Sue explains to the Glee Club that Myron needs a little feedback on the musical number he will be performing at his bar mitzvah. Within seconds, the auditorium stage lights up and Myron comes alive. He’s cute, he’s animated, and he travels with an entourage of sexy female dancers wearing gold lamé body suits.
At first I thought this was way too much butt slapping and crotch grabbing for a boy of his age, and from the shocked facial expressions from the New Directions, they agree. On the other hand, when he performs this number, he will technically be a man. Slap away young Muskovitz.
Myron absorbs the praise from his audience. He immediately fires the Solid Gold Dancers after they receive a critique from Kitty. Myron quickly negotiates a clever substitution, and before they know it, Sue has agreed that the Glee Club will be the opening act. Mozel tov!
Meanwhile, Spencer is disgusted with Roderick’s inability to neither climb a rope in gym class, nor execute simple choreography in Glee Club. When Roderick asks Spencer to help him get in shape, Spencer refuses. That is, until Spencer discovers that Roderick has a class with his crush Alistair. A stunned Roderick suddenly becomes Spencer’s wingman. As Spender primps and flexes his amazing physique, Alistair walks away. Roderick lets Spencer in on a little secret. Spencer isn’t a player—he’s a creeper.
Spencer shouldn’t feel bad. Being a creeper is better than people thinking you are in an incestuous relationship with your twin. Poor Mason can’t seem to shake Madison long enough to ask Jane out. He confides in Roderick and Spencer, begging one of them to provide a distraction. Clearly Mason’s character has yet to grasp the “be a man” theme of this episode.
Back in the choir room, Rachel announces that the Glee Club is on the Muskovitz Bar Mitzvah setlist. Mr. Schuester advices the kids to come up with songs that will appeal to their audience. It surprised me that One Direction did not make the cut. In my experience, tweens are still obsessed with Harry Styles.
As the kids scroll through the music selection on their phones, Sue reveals that Myron is a miniature maniac who is quite demanding. During her stint as his personal slave, Sue decided that the best way to make the madness stop is for Schuester, Sheldon, Sam, and Rachel to join her as Myron’s backup dancers. This makes all the sense in the world.
Just outside, Mason decides to stand up to his sister by ditching her for Jane. When he shares the good news, Madison refuses to play along. She reminds her brother that Jane has amazing legs and huge hair. Why would anyone want to share a stage with someone who obviously wants to pull focus?
Spencer is also teetering the line of plucking his manly courage. He stares longingly at Alistair through a window (stalker), helps him with his books (friendly stalker), and does shirtless sit-ups beside him during gym (hot stalker). Sadly, he never pulls the trigger.
When Myron’s bar mitzvah finally rolls around, I can’t help but smile at his fabulous shiny, silver suit. It pairs nicely with his Madonna mic. Mason is first to perform. He has traded in the Cheerios uniform for a black leather jacket. As he sings the lyrics of Queen’s “I Want To Break Free,” it’s evident that Mason has a big message for his sister. She watches from the wings as Jane, and a gaggle of junior high girls, swoon over Mason’s rugged exterior. Madison later admits that she was wrong about smothering him, but stands firm in her assessment that Jane is a total stage hog.
Is a stage hog one step away from a stage diva? I’d hate to see Jane stuck in a large box hanging from the rafters like Myron. Everyone is frantic to help the young man of the hour, yet Kitty is the only one to suggest they find a ladder. What a ridiculous thought! Spencer thinks this is the perfect opportunity for Roderick to climb the rope and save the day. Roderick hoists himself up the rope, fixes the pulley, sweats through his silk shirt, and rescues the kid who just pooped his pants. What a man. What a mighty good man.
NEXT: Sequined track suits are awesome.
Now that Myron is on solid ground, Mr. Schuester reviews the dance number with the other administrators. Sue becomes irritated that Will is back in her life, singing, dancing, and spreading his “aw shucks” attitude in the halls of McKinley. Tensions rise, sparks fly, and Sue body slams Will. Two details were gleaned from this brawl: Sue wears hot pink underwear and Will wears AXE body spray. Both seem plausible.
While Sue and Will duke it out next door, Spencer stumbles upon Alistair playing the ukulele in the choir room. Spencer is humbled that Alistair watched him sing earlier, and is even more surprised when Alistair mentions that Roderick suggested he stop by. He knows Spencer encouraged Roderick earlier. Alistair admits to not only appreciating Spencer’s outsides, but his insides as well. Spencer boldly pulls him in for a kiss. I’m glad he finally went for it. I’m equally disturbed that Alistair’s hair is prettier than mine. Also, Spencer invited Alistair to be in the Glee Club.
Before they can celebrate, Spencer has to rush to the stage for the final bar mitzvah performance. Everyone is dressed in horrendous blue sequined blazers, except Sue. She is wearing a phenomenal blue sequined track suit. Each person sings a line from Ariana Grande’s “Break Free.” It was a hot mess. Ironically, I think that’s exactly how Myron wanted the night to end.
What we didn’t expect is for the superintendent to make up a rule that allows Myron to be the newest student at McKinley High. Guess who wants to join the Glee Club? Sue is fired up that this hell on wheels will be in her daily life. Will basks in Sue’s discomfort. She goes on a rampage down the hall, slapping students and wreaking havoc. She doesn’t stop until she gets to her hurt locker. Once again, Sue vows to bring the Glee Club down.
Hell hath no fury like a woman in a track suit scorned.
“Lose My Breath” by Destiny’s Child
Myron’s spunky rendition of “Lose My Breath” was entertaining and disturbing. The big disconnect is the fact that J.J. Totah looks extremely young. Dry humping the ground in a circle of scantily clad grown women just added to the distraction. I understand that the writers were going for pomp and circumstance in this number. I wish they would have toned it down. With that said, he is a talented kid who commits to the role.
“Friday I’m In Love” by The Cure
“Friday I’m In Love” marks Spencer’s first solo. I have to admit that I wanted more depth. Was his voice bad? No. Will this performance be one I’ll remember from season 6? Probably not. Did he looks amazing in his tight shirt? Absolutely. I thought it was a smart idea to have the song as the soundtrack of his Alistair stalking montage. Had we been forced to watch him sing and dance the entire number in the choir room, I may have gotten bored.
“I Want To Break Free” by Queen
This was also our first time to hear Mason sing a solo. Due to his song choice, I think he sang with a bit more power than Spencer. He took a chance by channeling the style and sound of many boy bands from the ‘80s. If given the opportunity, I could see him playing one of the New Kids on the Block in a VH1 documentary.
“Uptown Funk” by Bruno Mars & Mark Ronson
“Uptown Funk” provided a breath of fresh air at a time the bar mitzvah needed a jolt of energy. Jane occupied front and center and I loved every minute. When she opens her mouth, you can’t help but appreciate her talent. It’s the same with Roderick. Spencer was a delightful addition, and you could tell that the three of them were having a ball. This was my favorite performance by a landslide.
“Break Free” by Ariana Grande
I said it once, and I’ll say it again. This was a hot mess. The choreography was sloppy. The costumes were terrible. Excluding the one three-second part in the middle where Rachel and Sam sang together, the entire number seemed to be clumsily thrown together.
“Cool Kids” by Echosmith
I giggled when the New Directions (including Myron and Alistair) bounded onto the auditorium stage wearing matching green t-shirts, Chuck Taylors, and jeans. I envisioned someone sending a text that read, “On Fridays, we wear green.” Madison’s voice definitely stood out, and the song suited her. On average, it sounded pretty good. For some reason, Kitty’s voiced ventured into Britney Spears territory, but she came back around. Like Mr. Schuester and Rachel, I was proud of this number.
“You think this is hard? Consuming your own twin in utero, that’s hard!”—Sue, encouraging the gym students
“What are the kids like?”—Mr. Schuester
“They are great. A nice, vibrant group. Quiet.”—Rachel
“Quiet because you’re always talking?”—Mr. Schuester
“Are we actually going to sing? Or are you about to announce an alumnus walking through the door?”—Kitty, preparing for yet another Glee Club mentor