Everyone is feuding and singing as secrets come to light. Plus: Santana stirs the pot!
Britney vs. Christina. One Direction vs. The Wanted. Chris Brown vs. Good Taste. When you think of music culture, it’s impossible to ignore that a lot of the time, a lot of musicians can’t stand a lot of other musicians. So it’s actually quite a surprise that a show ostensibly all about music has gone four seasons without fully exploring popular artist feuds (although, to be fair, they did devote a whole episode to Rumours).
It all started back at McKinley, where Schu and Finn’s fight was still going strong. Yes, it’s not ideal Finn kissed Emma in the lead-up to her wedding, but Schu was at “Terri faking a pregnancy” levels of anger for most of the episode, which seemed a bit extreme. Blaine, Tina and Sam kicked things off by telling the two that their fighting had to come to an end — just think of the children! — and the only way to do that was to talk the problem out like adults have a sing off. Twist: They got an assignment handed to them instead of the other way around, and with that, somewhere in the universe Madonna gave a side-eye to some hydrangeas, and feud week was on.
Finn and Schu naturally thought the assignment was pretty dumb. To the 19-year-old’s credit, Finn suggested they just talk. But Schu had had a rough couple of weeks, and over his dead body was he not at least going to get to channel Justin Timberlake in a high school auditorium. Let him have this! But first, some harsh words: “I gave you the Glee club because you were lost. I took pity on you. You broke the code of a brother, Finn. Start thinking of the nastiest music feuds you can come up with, because we are doing this assignment.”
The nastiest music feud Finn could come up with was *NSYNC versus Backstreet Boys circa 2001. Let me take a moment here to express my surprise that those two bands haven’t been mashed up before on this show. This number was 100% ridiculous but also honestly had 100% of the things I wanted to see once I heard this song was happening. Schu on strings! Schu with JT hair! The girls being crazed fans! To the surprise of no one, doing the “Bye Bye Bye” dance didn’t actually solve anything. Finn seemed eager to bury the hatchet, but Schu said that he couldn’t yet forgive him.
NEXT: Blaine has to join the Cheerios?
Perhaps because that plotline was so serious, the rest of the episode was completely silly. The key points: Blaine apparently signed a contract to join the Cheerios, and Sue had come to claim her prize. She and Becky told Blaine he has no choice in the matter, but Blaine challenged her to a Rumpelstiltskin-esque singing duel of Mariah Carey and Nicki Minaj (nice cross-promoting, Fox!) to save his first-born son soul. The highlight of this whole plot was watching Jane Lynch rap “Super Bass,” complete with a montage of Sue’s Nicki Minaj animated faces. Get it, girl.
Sue Minaj won the battle, so Blaine unfortunately has to join the Cheerios. But – twist! – is this maybe what he wanted all along? He told Sam in the hallway that the plan to sabotage Sue and the Cheerios from the inside was working. Is this show suddenly Homeland? IS BLAINE SECRETLY NICHOLAS BRODY? You heard it here first/last. Welcome to a possible plot for the rest of the season – I just hope an added benefit is that one of the Cheerios tells Blaine to cut back on the hair gel. Seriously, he confused it with wet cement this hour. How much more of a wake-up call do you need?
Elsewhere at McKinley, great news! Ryder met a great girl online and she’s cute and funny and smart and perfect and definitely who she claims to be and not an imposter out to Catfish him. Just kidding! That’s obviously what’s happening, and it’s way more than likely that the girl is actually Kitty (right?). Ryder sends her some sexy pictures, so viewers can rest assured this won’t end well. (It’s like Ryder has never even seen the Lifetime original movie Sexting in Suburbia!)
Ryder had also gotten himself into a bit of an issue with Unique. Ryder isn’t in any position to be critiquing who is and isn’t a “real” girl these days, considering he’s spending all his time online with a “real” prankster. Unique had confronted him about kissing Marley, and then Unique and Ryder sang their feud out by way of Sir Elton John and Madonna. But Ryder was apparently still uncomfortable with Unique being Unique. He came around after his mysterious online dream girl explained “Not Being A Jerk 101” to him. Ryder apologized to Unique, as well as to Marley and Jake. Also, you guys, Marley and Jake are back together! You weren’t concerned? Me neither. Moving on! Everyone makes up and then they all dance in the auditorium with all the Glee clubbers but Brittany. They’re all in this together!
NEXT: Is Rachel pregnant?
In more interesting developments, Rachel isn’t pregnant, but Brody is a prostitute. Talk about a win-lose. Rachel went to the doctor with Santana and discovered the pregnancy test was a false alarm. While Rachel is eager to get back to her life, Santana strongly suggests she take this as a warning sign at the direction her life is going recently and change some things, namely, ending it with Brody. Rachel won’t listen, which is bold, because after last night’s episode, I’m pretty sure no one will ever want to cross Santana again.
When they got back from the doctor, Santana goes right back to a little more snooping, and then confronts Brody at NYADA. “Confronts Brody at NYADA” is code for “performs Paula Abdul hits.” Brody then makes a dangerous mistake by assuming he can take on Santana and her “psychic Mexican third eye.” While Santana is straight-up Abdul-ing, Brody is secretly calling Rachel to get her on his side – and it seems to temporarily work. When Santana got back to the apartment, Kurt and Rachel tell her she must make peace with Brody or move out.
You can guess which option Santana chose: She’s off to live with Lena Dunham, or so it seemed. But in fact, Santana “Don’t Apply Logic to the” Lopez was actually scheming to catch Brody in the act. She went to a hotel and hired him, so that when he came into her room, he couldn’t deny it. But wait! She also had Finn hanging out in the closet. Brody showed up, Santana brought out Finn and then it was on.
Oh My God You Guys — Finn went ballistic on Brody. The two had an all-out fight. This is what happens, apparently, when letting your feelings out about your choir teacher just allows you to sing some early-era Backstreet Boys. You’ve got a lot of leftover energy! Backstreet Boys don’t dance like *NSYNC! Finn had lost his temporary job and his girlfriend, and doesn’t really know what his long-term next step is (although his conversation with Marley points to him getting a teaching license). He took all of that disappointment and rage out on Brody’s face. “Stay away from my future wife,” he growled. He also kicked a dresser over on the way out because it was looking at him funny.
NEXT: Musical grades and top lines
Bye Bye Bye/ I Want It That Way (Original by *NSYNC and Backstreet Boys): Sometimes, there are two great, beautiful things that don’t work together. This number was a ton of fun and plus a million points for actually working in the strings of No Strings Attached (Did that bother anyone else? Of course there are strings attached! It’s right there on the CD cover!) but I would have preferred a Britney/Christina mashup if we’re going with songs from that era. B+
Closer (Original by Tegan and Sara): This was just a few seconds of shower singing in the episode, and we didn’t even get some shirtlessness? Unacceptable. Later in the episode, we got the “Ending in the Auditorium” number, which basically just featured the kids running around. B
Cold Hearted (Original by Paula Abdul): I love the fact that Santana’s finally getting more numbers. She should always travel with some fly girls. B+
How To Be A Heartbreaker (Marina and the Diamonds): As Brody seductively dances his way through a hotel, Rachel is waiting around at home, playing second fiddle. I love this song (If even a few more people check out Marina and the Diamonds, then this episode was worth it). B+
I Still Believe/Super Bass (Original by Mariah Carey and Nicki Minaj): Oh gosh, I don’t know how I felt about this. The Mariah Carey part by Blaine was pretty Glee-club standard, but Sue rapping Super Bass with Cheerio back up? Undecided.
The Bitch is Back/Dress You Up (Original by Elton John and Madonna): Now this is a feud, not to mention an enjoyable mash up. Ryder and Unique were a fun pairing, and feud-wise, Elton/Madonna puts nearly everything else to shame. More stuff like this, please. B
“Go find a new boyfriend. Maybe Lance Bass is available, or RuPaul.” –Sue to Tina
“We need to do something muscular, like Biggy versus Tupac. Although we know how that turned out.” –Schu
“Blaine is on the bottom” –an airplane banner. So now you know.
“I read all about it on http://whogivesacrap.biz .” –Sue
“I’m pretty sure she just stole my comforter.” “Bitch took my pillow.” –Rachel and Kurt about Santana
Ryder is totally getting Catfished by Kitty, yes? What will Brody’s next move be? Is Finn headed to college in New York to get a teaching certificate? What did you think of Ryder and Unique’s fight? Is Jane Lynch coming for Nicki Minaj? Was anyone else briefly afraid Marley and Finn were going to kiss? How much hair gel, on average, is Darren Criss using in one day of shooting Glee? I can only hope that Brittany’s absence is because she’s answering all these questions for a Very Special Episode of Fondue for Two.