A lesson in all things sexy leads to breakthroughs, breakups, and broken hearts
Did this seem like a completely jam-packed hour to anyone else?
After I finish watching Glee each week, I usually take a minute to review in my head, and this week, I was unable to do so without my notes because it really felt like three episodes rolled into one. We had Santana going through a major character development, Blaine trying to help Kurt become educated about sex, and Holly Holliday back in the fold. That’s not even mentioning the Celibacy Club, Puck/Lauren, and Emma/Carl. Jeez. No wonder it felt like the hour flew by, and here I was operating under the assumption that time simply flies when there’s sex on the brain.
Well, let’s be honest, that’s part of it, too. So let’s fly through this episode one more time together, shall we?
The episode began with a meeting of the three-member Celibacy Club, which consisted of Rachel (who had joined to keep her mind off Finn and her focus on songwriting), Quinn (who also joined to de-Finn — but it didn’t last), and newlywed Emma (who, despite four months of marriage, still found herself among the ranks fighting the good fight against the evil hose monster). Celibacy, readers! Do you dig it?!?
Fine. No celibacy charms for you.
Elsewhere, Holly Holliday was back. And “yikers,” gang, she was really back in a big way, meaning she was in every other scene this week! Will, who apparently liked her face so much he had to grab it, was happy about that. Emma, meanwhile, was less excited to see her. And I was somewhere in between.
Holly and Emma clashed on their approaches to teaching the kids about sex — Emma was stumping for the no-humping, and Holliday thought that teens realistically would never adhere to celibacy. “That’s like saying vegetarianism is an option for lions,” she said, obviously forgetting that Simba learned how to live meat-free in The Lion King. (Disney is totally real-life and don’t tell me otherwise, or I’ll pull a Kurt and stick my fingers in my ears while humming. Mmk?) According to Holly, information is power, but she told giggling schoolboy Schuester that if that were the case, his kids wouldn’t have enough voltage to operate an electric can opener. (Finn thought cucumbers could give you AIDS, and Mercedes was suddenly concerned about the salad she’d just consumed.) Hakuna Matata, said Schue. But he soon changed his tune.
In a related plot, Santana tried to woo Brittany with Sweet Valley High and the promise of cuddle time in hopes they could spend some time getting their sweet lady kisses on. But Brittany was reluctant…because she thought she was with child. Once the initial shock wore off, we realized this was Brittany, and by “bun in the oven,” she could mean many things. Like maybe she was literally baking bread, or maybe she’d bought a new doll that she was mistaking for a real baby. Instead, we learned that a stork had built a nest on her garage, and she thought that meant she was getting a baby. (Rachel’s face here was priceless!) Schue and his fine man-butt realized Holly and her side ponytail had a point and immediately made a (musical!) sex education lesson plan (because that’s definitely the job of the choir teacher, as Rachel pointed out).
Over at the coffee shop, Sue tracked down Blaine and Kurt to give them Regionals intel: Glee was going sexy! Well, that’s what she’d deduced from seeing the word “sexy” on the board in the choir room. After making the most confusing cup of coffee ever, she took off, leaving Blaine worried that the Warblers were lacking a sexy factor (false) and they needed some retooling. That was easier said than done for some, namely the sexy-challenged Kurt, whose “sexy” played more like “gas pain,” according to Blaine. Personally, I’d say it was more akin to watching a Charmin bear attempt a striptease. He’s too adorable to be sexy. (It happens.) But perhaps that’s my perception because we’ve watched him grow up on Glee, and part of me still sees him as little Kurt. Anyone else feel that way? Ugh. I digress.
NEXT: A new (vulnerable!?) side of Santana
Back at school, Lauren approached Puck with an offer he couldn’t/would never refuse: a sex tape. She thought of it as the first step toward gaining the fame she so desired, and all he could think about was motorboating her twins and trying to stay upright. But just as quickly as Lauren lit Puck’s fire, Holly Holliday put it out, telling the minors that their scandalous tape would be considered child porn if they ended up going through with it. Eww. Plan: postponed indefinitely.
Generally speaking, Holly’s interactions with the kids this week were a nice treat, I think. I liked it best when she acted like an adult (like when she verbally slapped Mr. Schue following their post-Prince kiss) and not like an adult trying to be cool, which is one part of the character I’ve always felt was a bit unnecessary. It sort of implies that kids aren’t capable of relating to someone unless they act younger, which is definitely not always the case. Plus, the whole pseudo-immature persona (“Girlfriend!”) fits this normally talented actress about as well as her 2002 Oscar dress. And I’m officially hating myself for overthinking this. Let’s move on.
Over in Santana’s boudoir, Brittany told Santana that their relationship was as confusing as the art of breakfast. So they went to Holly for help; she concluded that they needed to find a way to express themselves and talk to each other about their relationship. (Santana was refusing to speak to Brittany about it.) After their lovely performances (see: graded performances), Santana determined that her feelings for Brittany were indeed true, and that she didn’t want to be with Sam or any other boy — just Brittany. But she was heartbroken when Brittany instead chose to stay with Artie, whom she said she loved.
The entire plotline was admittedly a bit of a jolt because we’d never seen Santana so serious and vulnerable before. But overall, it was great to delve deeper into the character and add some layers underneath her fringe-wearing-bitch exterior. And Naya Rivera was heartbreakingly perfect during it all.
Speaking of leaving my soul shattered, Burt and Kurt shared a scene that once again convinced me that I’ve never loved a father-son pair on television more than I love these two. After some failed lessons in sexy, Blaine determined that Kurt was far too uneducated about sex, and he went to Burt in hopes of persuading him to have a chat with Kurt. Burt was initially put off by Blaine’s suggestion but changed his tune after the youngster painted a grim picture of the possible consequences of Kurt’s lack of information in the process. “I don’t have the relationship with my dad that you have with Kurt. I think it’d be really cool if you took advantage of that,” Blaine told him. And because he’s the greatest dad on TV, he did. Awkward to watch as it was, it was another really great moment between the two, especially when Burt got out the words he wanted to say: “Don’t throw yourself around like you don’t matter. ‘Cause you matter, Kurt.”
In news of relationships of a less healthy variety, Carl and Emma went to Holly for some sex therapy. (Once again, it amazes me how the teachers at McKinley are pretty much used for everything even remotely related to their field. I’m guessing the school nurse does heart surgery as well.) While there, we learned that the couple hadn’t “done the deed,” despite Carl’s best efforts to charm her with flowers and romantic dinners. Instead, they ended up cuddling all the time and watching those racy Housewives shows. (What base is that considered?) Then Holly zeroed in on the issue. “Are you still in love with Will Schuester?” she asked. “I feel very confused about my feelings,” Emma admitted. Carl took off, and we left the couple on an uncertain note, which will likely please Will and Emma fans.
What won’t please them, however, is how we left Will and Holly. She was leaving to teach algebra at another school, but Will didn’t want her to go. And (surprise!) she didn’t want to leave either. “I know a lot about sex, Will, but I think it’s time I learn something about romance,” she said. “Well, I don’t know if you know this, but I happen to be an excellent educator,” he replied, dipping her into a kiss. Well, I wouldn’t go straight to “excellent,” but your abs are nice.
There you have it, readers. A new couple, a broken couple, and a bunch of other pieces floating around — but that’s to be expected from a bunch of teens. Shall we grade the performances?
NEXT: Grading the performances
“Do You Wanna Touch Me”
The first of many Holly Holliday songs for the evening was definitely not short on energy (and any reason to let Heather Morris loose to dance her heart out is a super success in my book). Also, Schue’s “Too much?” sign was a perfectly timed comedic moment. Vocally, however, there was something left to be desired. This choir geek has definitely heard worse songs — but I’ve also heard better. B
I truly grappled with whether to add the plus sign to this song’s “A” grade. In the end, when I factored in the pure fun of this song, the points for unique song selection, the freaking foam machine, and the fact that some of the Warblers removed their jackets for the number, I had to give this unforgettable performance highest marks. And admittedly, I’ve been super stingy with the grades since I’ve taken over recapping. What can I say? I have high expectations for these musical numbers. And with regards to this song, I can easily say they were met — and possibly exceeded. A+
Mr. Schue doing falsetto really didn’t do it for me. I wish they hadn’t tried to imitate Prince and just done a Glee-ized version, a la “I Want to Hold your Hand” or at least let both of them sing in their normal registers (those parts were perfectly fine!). The dancing was pretty cool. But in all regards, as best friend stated during our weekly glee chat, this song was not half as sexy as “Total Eclipse.” C+
I’m a sucker for a country ballad, and this is one of the most beautiful ones out there. But because this song was so personal to Santana, I would have liked to see her take the lead on it. Plus, Naya Rivera’s voice is so painfully underutilized. From what I was able to pick out in the harmonies, she would have done a lovely job. That said, it still managed to make me a bit teary. B+
This was supposed to be corny, I know. And the Celibacy Club stuff was pretty funny, especially when Lauren and Puck got into the action. But why, why, why waste John Stamos on this? NO! (Throws pies/afternoon delights) C
Now it’s your turn. What did you think of the episode/songs? Did you have a favorite story line? Santana? Kurt/Burt? Holly/Will? Did you miss Rachel and Finn this week as they took a backseat to other plots? (Rachel made only a few appearances during Celibacy Club meetings, and Finn was seen mostly at the end in bed with Quinn post-makeout.) Did you enjoy the return of Holly Holliday? What did you think of all the celibacy bashing? And have you ever burned yourself with a curling iron and accidentally had a hickey-looking wound? (Shamefully raises hand.)
NEXT: The week’s best lines
QUOTABLES (HUGE THIS WEEK!)
“I have to say, I am very inspired that both of you are showing that celibacy is a viable option for teens who simply aren’t ready for intimacy and those who are older and terrified of the hose monster.” — Emma
“Wait, cucumbers can give you AIDS?” — Finn
“I really hope [sexy is] not one of the requirements for Regionals, because with Berry and those tights, we don’t stand a chance.” — Santana
“I get my information from Woody Woodpecker cartoons.” — Brittany
“I’m so turned on right now.” — Puck
“Just remember, when you have sex with someone, you’re having sex with everyone they’ve had sex with. And everybody’s got a random.” — Holly Holliday
“Just picking up some coffee. I like my enemas piping hot.” — Sue
Emma: I look forward to the opportunity to nail her to the wall.
Emma: You know what I mean.
“You’re finally going to let me motorboat those twins?” — Puck
“I want to be like a Kardashian. I want a TV show and a fragrance. It will be called Zizes, and the slogan will be ‘You just got Ziced!'” — Lauren
“If your lovemaking prowess is as impressive as your skills of deduction, I’m in for a wild night.” — Lauren
Brittany: I really like when we make out and stuff…
Santana: …which isn’t cheating because…
Brittany: …the plumbing is different.
Brittany: This relationship is really confusing for me.
Santana: Breakfast is confusing for you.
Brittany: Sometimes it’s sweet and sometimes it’s salty. Like, what if I have eggs for dinner? What is it?
“My sex tape with J.D. Salinger was a disaster.” — Holly
“I made out with a mannequin. I even had a sex dream about a shrub that was just in the shape of a person.” — Santana
“I’m damaged goods. Yes, it makes me terrific in bed, but it also means I tend to break men like you into Wasa crackers.” — Holly
“You get tenses for menses.” — Emma
“You’re the biggest French whore of them all.” — Quinn
“My lips are sealed — just like your legs.” — Holly
“Once, on a dare, I swallowed a thumbtack. And I’m 90 percent sure it’s still there.” — Puck
“I like wooing you. Next to dropping my afternoon deuce, it’s my favorite part of the day.” — Puck, the romantic
“I can make them into shapes like balloon animals.” — Puck re: hickeys
“The key is to use the curling iron in the bathtub to keep yourself from getting burnt.” — Brittany
“I want to make sure all the dances are what I call ‘Finn-proof.'” — Will
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