Glee recap: Be Mine? (No.)
Hey, Gleeks. Sorry I missed our first date with me as your new recapper. You see, I arrived, saw you through the window, and thought you were so pretty, I couldn’t walk in. IT MUST BE TRUE LOVE — which is exactly what most of our couples on Glee DON’T HAVE (unfortunately). But they do have plenty of “Silly Love Songs.” So let’s Gleecap the silly, the love, and the songs.
Providing all three last night was Puck, who found himself lusting after all the nut-busting jelly that is Lauren. But unlike the triflin hoes he’s accustomed to, Lauren didn’t fold to the simpleton charms of the Puckster — “I’m not desperate, so if you really want this, you best come correct,” she said. This made him want her more. Life lesson No. 1, ladies: Dangle the carrot or you’ll be forced to buy your own carats from Jared and get stuck with a receipt that no one wants to reimburse you for.
We also learned that their seven minutes in heaven pre-sectionals was actually a moment of total rejection. (Puck didn’t do it for Lauren, which was weird for him because he’s used to “doing” everyone.) And Lauren really put Puck through hell for their failed heaven. She tossed his crappy chocolates back at him (after making sure they all sucked, of course), refused to go out with him even after being serenaded (via a slightly offensive — but great — song), and then stood him up at Breadstix. I totally respect Lauren for all of this, but the shallow part of me wanted to slap her until she realized it’s not okay to reject a deliciously attractive potential Puck buddy. Then I saw her kick Santana’s skinny a– and decided that wasn’t the best plan. (We’ll return to this…)
Meanwhile, Finn walked through the halls firing finger guns at girls, raising his douche factor to just above whatever Mr. Schu’s is when he raps. (P.S. I’d like to thank Becky for introducing us all to the nickname Finny Bear, which I will use in a condescending manner whenever necessary to reference Finn.) He was riding high after leading the football team to a big win, but now there was another game on. Only if he won this one, he’d have a finger gun on one arm and Quinn on the other. And Finn apparently believed the only weapon he needed to win his new fight was his mighty kisses, so he set up a charity kissing booth as a way to trap Quinn into locking lips. That would do it, he thought.
Now, in a realistic world (a.k.a. the thing we all run away from when it’s time to watch Glee), there is no way Finn’s little slits he calls lips could produce better kisses than Sam’s plentiful pucker. But in the Glee-verse, Finn’s kisses cause fireworks! He and Quinn discovered this after Sam insisted that Quinn and Finn share a kiss at the booth to prove there was no spark. Too bad for him, there was a spark; he just didn’t see it. And Finn and Quinn reconnected later in the auditorium, which also happens to be when Finn accidentally gave Quinn mono. More on that in a bit.
NEXT: Girl fight!
Over in Almost-Cute-Enough-to-Make-Me-Puke Land, Blaine and Kurt grabbed coffee and pondered the validity of Valentine’s Day. Kurt was the embittered Hallmark-holiday hater, and Blaine was a hopeless romantic who wanted nothing more than to make the day special for the one he (thought he) loved. Cue Kurt’s inner glee-filled squeals of joy, especially after Blaine ordered his coffee from memory (the ultimate sign of love, I say). But from the moment I saw Kurt scribbling hearts in a notebook, I knew this wasn’t going to end up pretty. “IT’S NOT YOU,” I screamed at the TV when I saw him excitedly getting pulled into the Warblers’ “emergency meeting,” where Blaine announced he wanted permission to take the group out for a performance among commoners — off campus.
At first, the group shat in their pressed uniforms and Pavarotti had a birdie meltdown. They hadn’t performed in an informal setting in more than 80 years — the last time being when seven Warblers were squished by The Spirit of St. Louis. They finally agreed, and so began the Warblers’ Gap Attack. Record scratch! Yes, they were performing at a Gap store, where the object of Blaine’s affection worked.
Heartbroken, Kurt ran to a sleepover with Rachel and Mercedes for comfort, hair braiding, shamefully bad-looking pizza, and pajama time. (Speaking of which, I didn’t notice until my second viewing that Mercedes wore a onesie. Honey, lose that, then we’ll talk about your lack of a boyfriend.) They decided that poor Kurt had manufactured much of his and Blaine’s connection in his head. Rather, he’d read too much into simple acts — um, but who hadn’t? They also agreed that the trio of divas needed to focus more on being fabulous and less on men. That agreement didn’t last long…
Rachel went to go kiss Finn at the booth, and just like Finn predicted, she couldn’t handle the idea of getting less than his best affection. (He gave her a kiss on the cheek, which, if they were simians, would have been like him chucking poop at her. Self-note: I think I’d enjoy seeing the latter one day.) After Rachel’s mini-bitchfest, Finn gave her the gift he’d gotten her for Christmas, which he’d apparently carried around with him for several months. It was a little gold star necklace. “You’re a real star, and you need to shine. Just because I can’t be with you doesn’t mean I don’t believe in you,” he told her. You know, when these kids aren’t being horrible people, they’re rather sweet. But of course, that pretty much describes every teenager who’s ever existed. I know this from experience.
Santana also now knows from experience not to call the school’s toughest wrestler a white whale, because after that the only thing being hunted will be you. One of the best things I’ve seen all season was the little Lima Heights Harlot sliding across the hallway like an air-hockey puck and being hoisted onto the shoulders of Beist. Classic.
NEXT: Gap attack
At the Gap attack, Blaine experienced his own heartbreak after his song to Jeremiah fell flat — not literally. But Jeremiah hadn’t come out to his co-workers and ended up getting fired over the very public display of affection. And what’s worse, he told Blaine that he had misinterpreted their two coffee dates. “If we were [dating], I’d get arrested because you’re underage,” he said before leaving to seek unemployment. I wanted to grab Blaine and tell him he could do better. (JUST LOOK TO YOUR LEFT…AT KURT!) Luckily, he later figured this out on his own back at the coffee shop. “I don’t want to screw this up,” he told Kurt after Kurt confessed to having a crush. The two relationship newbies then exchanged a glance and a shy smile, and Kurt got an idea…for the lonely-hearts club!
Elsewhere, Santana’s slutty senses told her that something was afoot between Quinn and Finn, so she set out to prove it by infecting herself with mono, kissing Finn, and seeing if Quinn contracted the virus, which in this case was characterized by a comically rapid onset of symptoms. (Incubation period, anyone?) After Quinn’s auditorium meetup with Finn, she ended up contracting mono, and Santana quickly pointed that out to everyone, causing a bit of a stir. Bitch.
So here’s where we left off: Sam thought Quinn got mono from her just-a-peck with Finn. (Poor, beautiful airhead.) Blaine and Kurt are in limbo, held back by their inexperience and respective fears of lost friendship. Lauren agreed to go out with Puck as friends, and he claimed he could give friendship a try. Rachel is over Finn (for now). Finn is not over Quinn (for now). Tina loves Mike (apparently forever). Santana smiled at Sam, which is not good for anyone. And the Cheerios are running around in plain clothes. Weird.
NEXT: Grading the songs/the week’s best lines
“FAT BOTTOMED GIRLS”
In general, I’m in love with Mark Salling’s voice. He’s right up there with Artie (Kevin McHale) in my book. And this song was smothered in awesome sauce. Bonus points for Puck’s sort-of-feminine head bob, Brittany’s background groovin’, the club’s reactions to him singing to Lauren, and Mr. Schu’s mild eye-roll. A-
Okay, so I just finished talking about my Artie love, but this wasn’t my favorite song he’s ever done. It’s just not easy taking on Michael — everything else tends to pale in comparison to the original. It was not a bad song by any means, but it won’t be making my “Glee, the Sandra Volume” playlist on iTunes. The saving grace here was the dancing, which was dope — like Artie and Mike. B+
“WHEN I GET YOU ALONE”
So the Warblers CAN move. In fact, they move really well when they have a Gap as their playground. Too bad this song had a little bit too much soul for them to handle. Robin Thicke is musical sex, and the Warblers are much more suited for hand-holding. Does that make sense? (Side note: Is it weird that I totally dug the hipster sunglasses with the uniforms?) B
“MY FUNNY VALENTINE”
Does this count? Well, I’m counting it. It was übersweet when Tina started getting choked up during her song, because let’s face it, it happens. You can love someone so much it hurts. If she would have continued the song with a mild lump in her throat, I think I might have gotten choked up with her. Tina has a lovely voice that’s often underused, so I was pretty mad that they didn’t let her finish. When she started sobbing, it got weird. Then weirder. Then downright uncomfortable. C- for lost opportunities.
Rachel’s a flake, but the girl can sing. Any performance that allows her to do her “power note” face (a.k.a. scrunchy nose and furrowed eyebrows) is a win in my book. As much as I love when she tackles ballads, this song had more punch than Lauren’s mighty fist. A-
“SILLY LOVE SONGS”
This is much more Warbler-esque than “When I Get You Alone.” I had also been worried we wouldn’t get our weekly dose of dorky Warbler dance moves. Plus, major points for the blink-and-you’ll-miss-it moment when Blaine sang the love “won’t come at all” line to Santana. It was probably my personal biggest laugh-out-loud moment of the episode. A
So on to the questions, Gleeks.
First, the ones I must get off my mind: We learned that Puck is a bad kisser. Does that make him less hot in your mind? (No.) Did anyone else get little chill bumps at the way Blaine said, “Of course I do” to Kurt after ordering his drink? (For the love of Patti LuPone, I’m so pathetically in love with these two.) And was the hilarity of mouthy Sam delivering the line about something being “fishy” lost on anyone? Didn’t think so.
Now the more serious: What did you think of the episode? Are you liking the reemergence of Quinn/Finny Bear? (I thought that auditorium scene was full of chemistry.) What did you think of the Cheerios’ respective styles? (My roomie described Brittany’s as Fresh Prince of Bel-Air meets Steve Urkel. I told her she needs to watch a TV show that premiered after 1990.) Where the hell was Sue? Did you miss her? And what did you think of the Lauren/Puck matchup?
“Maybe it’s because she’s constantly insulting me like my mom.” — Puck re: Lauren
“I’m totally going to graduate now!” — Brittany
“I spell woman Z-I-Z-E-S.” — Lauren
“I’m pretty, but I ain’t dumb.” — Sam
“That’s my man — his legs don’t worrrrk.” — Brittany
“Pervert.” — Finn to Sam, who wanted to watch them kiss
“If he and I got married, the Gap would give me a 50 percent discount.” — Blaine
“Whatever, I’ll just marry an NFL player. They’re super reliable.” — Santana
“Finn only wears that gassy infant look when he feels guilty about something.” — Santana
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Jane Lynch, Lea Michele, and high school anxiety star in Fox's campy musical.