Will meets his Sectionals competition (including Eve!), Quinn test drives a baby daddy, and Rachel makes her big play for Finn
If, as Rachel asserted, hairography is all about distraction, this week’s installment of Glee was… pretty hairy. There was Quinn, distracting Finn with Rachel so she could give Puck a tryout as the baby daddy. There was Kurt, distracting Rachel from the right path to Finn by giving her an ill-advised makeover (which also distracted him from his own doomed feelings for our favorite manchild). There was Terri, distracting Will with a car so he wouldn’t catch on to her pregnancy fake-out. And there was Sue, distracting Will with a mixture of curious requests, war games, hard-edged advice, and even a compliment. So let’s call ”Hairography” a big distraction — we’ve been waiting so long for Sectionals, we’re wigging out! — because we chewed up a lot of story but didn’t gain a lot of ground. But at least it had some entertaining moments, including a look at New Directions’ competition for Sectionals. Want a breakdown of all the action from last night? We’ll tell you about it, stud.
I see your Sue colors shining through
The episode opened in a familiar place: Suspicionville. Population: Will. After Splits Magazine‘s Cheerleading Coach of the Decade pressed Mr. S. for Glee Club’s set list for Sectionals and info about the schools they’d be competing against (Jane Addams Academy and the Haverbrook School for the Deaf), Will theorized to Emma that Sue was sabotaging New Directions by leaking set lists and videos. Emma advised him not to let Sue serve as distraction, and, using a convoluted Mohammed and the mountain metaphor, instructed him to go find out the truth at Addams. And so he passed through tight security, got pickpocketed, and met the confident Ms. Hitchins, a.k.a. Eve, who bristled at Will’s set-list-swiping allegations (”You think that because our students are thieves and arsonists that we’re cheaters too?”). Next, she guilted him about their lack of resources, insisted she wouldn’t risk the girls’ one positive outlet by cheating, called his kids ”privileged misfits,” and taunted, ”Especially from what I hear, we’re probably going to take you anyway.” I was hoping for some Bring It On bravado from Will here, but he said he didn’t mean to offend her and politely invited her to a scrimmage at his auditorium.
The scrimmage was far from polite: The Addams girls flung their hair fiercely and shook their bodies while cranking up ”Bootylicious.” (The scrimmage was also far from a scrimmage, as New Directions didn’t perform.) Even after Rachel assured Will that the Addams family was all about all smoke and mirrors, hairography, mane whizzing to distract from mediocre dancing and vocals, Mr. S. remained rattled. He announced at the next rehearsal that Glee Club would perform the title song from Hair (”Did they have mohawks back then, like in the ’20s or whatever?” cracked Puck) and he gave everyone a wig and allowed Brittany to lead a seminar on hair-tossing (think: ”cool epilepsy”). When Will caught Sue spying on the proceedings, he accused her of stealing Glee secrets and trying to torpedo the Club. She called that an ”outrageous affront” to her ”sterling reputation,” and chastised him for choosing distraction over the talents of his kids. (Say what you will about Sue, but she’s an effective leader; she knows what she wants, whereas Will is still searching for what he wants.) She also demanded his set list by 5 p.m. tomorrow and vowed to cut any song that involved ”deameaning, fruity hair-tossing.” Will refused to comply, so she reinstated herself as co-director.
Another person in Will’s grill: Mr. Rumba (a.k.a. Christopher Guest fave Michael Hitchock), the super oblivious deaf-in-one-ear-thanks-to-Scarlet-Fever show choir director from Haverbrook, who, like Ms. Hitchins, cried poor and wanted a McKinley visit too: ”I run the Glee Club at a school for the deaf. You think I’m rolling around in deaf choir money?” Will agreed to another scrimmage, during which New Directions took the stage first for a Mercedes-and-Artie-led ”Hair”/”Crazy in Love” mashup that included a sandstorm of hair and some out-of-character girl-on-guy straddling. (Two deaf students signing to each other: ”They look absolutely crazy.” ”Totally.”)
NEXT: Terri’s back, now with more schemes
After Haverbrook issued courtesy claps and hand flutters, they took the stage, and a student began the lyrics to ”Imagine,” backed by only a piano; the performance was as understated as Addams’ ”Bootylicious” was over-the-top. Mercedes wandered on stage joined the Haverbrook students in song, as did Artie and the rest of New Directions, all while following along with the signing. Two thoughts came to mind: (1) This was a classic feel-good Glee moment, teeming with sappy but undeniable heart and (2) I’m glad the Haverbrook kids were cool with New Directions crashing their song.
Afterward, Will visited Sue in her office to apologize for trying to glam up the kids and to thank her for showing him the light; he also gave her the new set list. She accepted his olive branch by complimenting his choices. (Though calling ”Proud Mary” a ”deep cut”? I seem to recall hearing that on the radio one or 2,000 times.) But while Will returned to the rehearsal room to discuss a gimmick-free sit-in-stools number with his students, it was Sue-prise time again: She handed over New Directions’ set list secrets to Ms. Hitchins and Mr. Rumba; heck, she said she’ll even make sure McKinley performs last so Mr. Schue will look like the song thief. (But why did she only mention two of the songs? Hmmm…) As Ms. Hitchins tried to nix this dishonorable plan, Sue pointed out that ”These McKinley kids are going to do fine, but outside of glee club, your girls don’t have a heckuva lot going for them and I’d hate to see them so devastated by losing that they’d give up entirely.” To Mr. Rumba, she spelled it out: ”I assume you read lips. Read these: Never let anything distract you from winning. Ever.” In summation, Tender Sue was definitely not in the house this week.
Sitting comfortably on stools, New Directions performed the night’s closing song, a pleasant yet safe version of ”True Colors,” anchored by Tina, with lasery light effects projected behind them. (Will! Doesn’t that count as a gimmick?) As Rachel gazed at Finn, Puck and Quinn at each other, and Kurt at Finn, Mr. S. looked on proudly. Lesson learned: Just be yourself. Question is, Will that be enough to take Sectionals?
Terri: Spinning her wheels (and more lies)
Terri continued her duplicitous ways, denying Will’s advances in bed (”If you wanted intimacy… you would ask me how I’m feeling about being pregnant”) and brainstorming a ploy to distract Will from finding out the truth while she figured a way out of her jam. Temporary solution: The Blue Bomber 2. She presented him with a fixer-upper car — the same model that he took her to prom and deflowered her in. (As far as a distraction plan, it’s about as logical as, well, pretty much every other part of the grating fake-pregnancy scheme, which now involved Terri and Kendra pretending to be at a spa in Cincinnati, when in actuality they’d be camped out at Dr. Wu’s office, waiting for Quinn to pop. No way does this ever get that far.)
Good Will Husband later blindfolded Terri and gave her a surprise of his own: A wood-paneled minvan. He sold the Blue Bomber 2 and made enough profit for a down payment on a car ”for our whole family… I love you and our little girl, and I don’t want anything to distract me from you guys.” Terri looked genuinely happy, but it’s the kind of happiness with a ticking time bomb attached to it. And I’m really looking forward to it going off sooner than later.
NEXT: Slutty(looking) Rachel
Putting the Puck on Ice
Despite Mercedes’ tough love last week, you knew Puck wouldn’t abandon Operation Quinn. He presented her with a stolen copy of How to Raise A Baby On Five Dollars A Day and soothed her during her bout of keep-the-baby-or-give-it-away indecision by assuring, ”Whatever you decide, no pressure.” Terri, of course, was all about pressure — don’t drink diet soda or the baby girl will suffer from male pattern baldness! — prompting Quinn to wonder if she did want a baby after all, just not with Finn. She decided to take Puck for a test drive. But first, she’d need to distract Finn…with Rachel? This plan was so crazy, it just might work.
Quinn asked Kurt (who had the episode’s best one-liners) if he was up for a makeover. ”I’m in — makeovers are like crack to me,” he said. ”My suggestion? Spanx. Or double-knit camisole with control top for the baby bump. Also baby doll dresses? Dead giveaway.” No, silly — she meant for Rachel. ”I admit I like a challenge as much as the next guy,” he responded, ”but Rachel somehow manages to dress like a grandmother and a toddler at the same time.” Quinn pointed out that Rachel’s outfits were so painful, they might distract the judges. (Did we mention the distraction theme yet?) This was enough to persuade Kurt to sign on to Extreme Makeover: Rachel Edition.
While Kurt worked his waxing magic in Rachel’s bedroom, she asked him why hewas being helpful. ”One, I’m a sucker for makeovers, and two, you need something to distract from your horrible personality,” he quipped. ”Most of the time I find it hard to be in the same room with you — especially this one, which looks like where Strawberry Shortcake and Holly Hobbie come to hook up.” She took the insults surprisingly well, and confessed to him that she was in love with Finn, which ruffled his designer feathers. His bad advice? Grease it up — that is, pull a Sandy and ”dress like a ho.”
Wearing a little black number in the school hallway, Rachel turned the head of Finn, who was too distracted to remember what he was going to say. But he did accept her invitation to come over on Friday for some Hair help. Which allowed Quinn to hatch her plan: She asked Puck to come with her to babysit Kendra’s kids, which sounded better to him than his plan to ”stand outside the 7-Eleven, looking depressed until someone offered to buy me beer.” (Little did Quinn know about Kendra’s scheme: Hire Quinn to babysit her little hellions. After that experience, she’d give her baby to Terri in a tiny heartbeat.)
Cut to Friday night: Primed to rehearse a song from Grease, Rachel emerged from her bathroom, dressed as Slutty Sandy, and purred to Finn, ”Tell me about it… stud.” He uncomfortably started singing, ”I got chills/and they’re multiplying” but soon stopped the production to inform her that she looked like a ”sad clown hooker” and that he preferred the old Rachel. Rachel soon realized she’d been played by Kurt, a victim of her own hairography. Finn wanted to comfort her, but feeling guilty about almost cheating on Quinn, he bolted from the bedroom.
NEXT: Babysitting sexts
Meanwhile, Puck, literally tied up with Quinn by Kendra’s kids, was busy texting with someone. Who, asked Quinn? Mike Ching, he said. After wriggling free, Puck whipped out his acoustic guitar and Quinn delivered a competent version of ”Papa Don’t Preach,” not the most appropriate song to sing to small children. The little terrors ate it up, though, and were fast asleep by the time Kendra returned home in shock and awe. ( ”What’s that smell?” ”Soap.”) Puck and Quinn were now bonding faster than superglue. ”All I know is we proved something tonight,” he told her. ”This parenting thing? We can do this.”
On Monday, Rachel accosted an unrepentant Kurt at his locker. ”You should be thanking me,” he huffed. ”All I did was help you realize that your schoolgirl fantasy of running off with Finn was nothing but a fairytale.” (Of course, his future with Finn was equally Grimm.) They exchanged verbal blows, with Rachel calling him out for harboring his own Finn fantasies, before Kurt said, ”There’s no hope for either of us. He loves Quinn…. We’re nothing but distractions. And the sooner we realize that, the better.” He marched off before the tears came.
In locker confrontation No. 2, Santana warned Quinn to keep her paws off Puck. (”Oh, and for the record, asking someone to babysit with you is super ’90s,” sneered Santana.) When Quinn volleyed back that Puck cared for her, Santa informed her that she was sexting with him when he and Quinn were babysitting. Check his phone, she taunted. So Quinn seized Puck’s cell and confirmed the ugly truth (Sample: ”Do you think I’m too hot?”) Puck came clean, and claimed he tried to resist, but, as he told Quinn, ”You haven’t given it up to me since the night I knocked you up. Baby, I’m a dude, I have needs.” She asked him if he truly expected to raise a baby with her and text dirty messages to every girl in school if she didn’t sex him up every day. ”No,” he answered. ”Just the hot girls.” (We’re going to have to chalk this up to Puck committing some kind of self- sabotage, because otherwise this character is dumber than a bag of bricks that’s been dropped repeatedly.) Quinn went right over to Terri’s place and informed that she can have the baby after all, because she would need a good father like Mr. S,, who walked in at that moment. Professional liar Terri made up a quick cover story and Quinn split, but not before startling Will with a tender hug.
Back at school, Quinn asked Finn sweetly if wearily, ”Can we be in love again?” (From not wanting to have a baby with Finn to wanting to have a baby with Puck to not wanting to be with Puck to not wanting to keep her baby to wanting to be back with Finn, Quinn went through a helluva lot in this episode.) Finn confessed his near affair with Catwoman (not the actual kiss with Rachel awhile back) and told Quinn that he only wanted to be with her. An exchange of I-love-you’s, then they walked down the hall arm in arm, leaving in their wake Rachel and Kurt, who acknowledged each other’s hurt through a wistful wave of the hand.
So, what did you think of ”Hairography”? What was your favorite musical moment? And given that you’re probably reading this on Thanksgiving — very happy turkey, by the way — what character or performance on Glee are you most thankful for?