Disgraced former "Queen Bee" Amanda Vaughn returns home to Dallas, where Bible passages await

Credit: Bill Matlock/ABC
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It began as most Christian parables typically do: With a blowjob sequence. (Romans 1:21-24: For although they knew God, they neither glorified him as God nor gave thanks to him, but their thinking became futile and their foolish hearts were darkened. Although they claimed to be wise, they became fools and exchanged the glory of the immortal God for images made to look like a mortal human being and birds and animals and reptiles. Therefore God gave them over in the sinful desires of their hearts to sexual impurity for the degrading of their bodies with one another.)

Welcome to Good Christian Bitches Good Christian Belles GCB: Your intended Desperate Housewives replacement that so far reminds me of Mean Girls meets The Real Housewives of Atlanta, but with a lot of church scenes, bigger hair, and a love for double entendre. Admittedly, this recapper has never set foot in the Lone Star state, but years of mandatory Sunday mass and Tuesday evening CCD in the state with second biggest hair (New Jersey) should make me more than qualified to decipher this fun Sunday evening inanity.

Anyways, back to the BJ: A wealthy but desperate man fled California with nothing but a flashy car, boatloads of cash, and a beautiful brunette at his side. The brunette immediately offered some good old fashioned road-oral-pleasure, letting us know instantly that this woman was NOT HIS WIFE. We also quickly learned that this dude is a terrible multitasker, because three or four seconds into the thing he drove the car straight off the cliffs of the PCH. Enjoy purgatory, home-wrecking suckers.

Three months later, the now-deceased embezzler’s beautiful wife, Amanda, was stuck in a serious no-win situation: Live broke and disgraced in the middle of a media maelstrom, with two teenagers, in an empty Santa Barbara mansion, or return to her hometown of Dallas, Texas to live with her overbearing mother. “I don’t care how bad things are, I will never go back to Dallas,” she said incisively. Of course, if you’ve seen the promos, you know that this statement is inaccurate.

Within the next few scenes, Amanda’s hometown distaste became far more understandable. Her mother, Gigi, was an over-the-top (but fun!) liberal-hating nightmare, her former social group (led by Kristin Chenoweth’s nosy neighbor Carlene) was hell-bent on Psalm 18:39-style high school revenge, and Gigi’s house didn’t have Wi-Fi. To be fair, high school Amanda gave the Belles plenty of reason to hate her: She had a pre-plastic surgery Carlene (nicknamed “Kitten”) kicked off the cheer squad for having bad skin, told the judges of Miss Teen Dallas that the previously smokin’ but now sort of fat (well, TV fat) Sharon was not a virgin, and spread a vicious rumor that Cricket had herpes. The only one who may have escaped the pre-California, pre-enlightenment Amanda’s wrath was Heather Cruz, who was now a major player in the Dallas real estate game.

NEXT: On the first day, let there be light! Or, just really catty behavior.

So, old Amanda was a textbook horrorshow. But we the viewers were given plenty of reason to like new Amanda: She was kind to her kids, she refused to trash her despicable dead husband, she gave up alcohol, and she was determined to pick up the pieces and rebuild her life, starting with a new home and a new job. Honorable, right? Unfortunately, the Greedy Christ-lovin’ Brats were going to make this very, very difficult. After an especially horrendous Sunday mass, during which Kitten took the opportunity to passive-aggressively humiliate Amanda via prayer, the ladies were even more determined to bring Amanda down, hard. The reason for this, of course, was that none of their husbands could take their eyes off Amanda’s svelte bod. Sharon’s husband, Zack, bemoaned the fact that Amanda never dated him in high school (in front of his wife), while Cricket’s husband, Blake, awkwardly caressed her face. So, we’re off to a good start.

The next day, Amanda was ready to take on the world in bland interview attire. Unfortunately, one of Amanda’s admirers had a very bright idea that would ruin her brand new day: An anonymously gifted Mercedes SUV, complete with obnoxious bow. Subtle! A gift like this would be a major positive anywhere else, but, ladies, this is DALLAS. Neighbor Kitten’s ever-prying eyes (magnified by an enormous telescope) were on the hunt right away — the car came from Zack’s dealership, so Sharon was sent out for research, while Kitten headed over to Zack’s shop for some “body work.” Conveniently for everyone but Amanda, Zack was aiming for some “body work” of his own: He led Amanda into the shop, promising to reveal the identity of the anonymous car-donor, and instead tried to feel her up. Kitten saw all of this through the window. She sees everything. (Drinking game alert: Take a swig of Texas bourbon every time Kitten spies on Amanda!)

Alas, this completely innocent encounter was followed by more hardship for poor Amanda: Not only did Heather show her the only non-megamansions in the greater Dallas area, but Gigi had already turned Amanda’s previously perfectly normal (read: boring) daughter, Laura, into a full-out, cleavage-baring Texas teenage harlot. Man, Gigi is really making me miss my Nana. Nana had the best hair, and always knew where to find a bargain. She also really loved church.

So what could a put-together, self-actualized, decent human being like Amanda do to rectify her various predicaments? Well, nothing, because the men of GCB continued to make her assimilation absolutely impossible. A mysterious van full of life’s most tangible wonders pulled up to Gigi’s house, containing an assortment of sartorial gifts for Dallas’ once and future most popular resident. Did Kitty witness the whole thing through her telescope? You bet! Did the “trying so hard to start over” Amanda do her best, despite her mother’s wishes, to return everything? Absolutely! Still, Ms. Popularity would have to deal: Her “secret admirer” transferred the amount spent on the returned merchandise to a mysterious gift card. And Kitty. Saw. Everything.

Her only hope lay in her relatively less-catty real estate broker: Heather came over to discuss her less-than million dollar listings, and decided to forgive Amanda right as the other ladies barged in to grill Amanda on her generous gifts. Unfortunately, Heather’s approval was too little, too late. Kitten told Heather that any kindness towards Amanda would lead to a Job 1:21 situation, then snatched the loaded gift card for some additional research.

NEXT: On the second day, let a firmament be! Or, thievery and deceit.

Kitten and Sharon proved pretty quickly that they should never be recruited by the CIA (or even work for Emanda on Revenge): Their entire secret-admirer revelation plot consisted of sending Sharon to the store, acting as Amanda, to inquire about the anonymous donor. Of course, without ID, she could not do so, and the video of her embarrassing escapades was later shown (by security) to Amanda. Amanda was cool about it, but this may have been a mistake — by the end of the day, the ladies of the inner circle managed to bribe every person who was hiring for anything, ever, to not give Amanda the job. It was sort of like what everyone else in Amurika is currently going through, but with better clothes and fun accents.

But our Amanda is a ‘do whatever it takes’ kind of gal, so she took a job in the only place that would have her: The neighborhood bar, which is amazing titled “Booby Licious”. Later that evening, at a lounge outing with Heather and Blake (herpes-Cricket’s husband), Amanda made a shocking discovery — Blake, the man who was obsessed with fashion, was also gay. Like, not “happy” gay — likes men gay. This, according to your congregation, is either accepted, brushed aside, frowned upon, or feverishly protested. I’m going to guess that in the GCB church, Blake’s sexual preference would not go over well. Amanda, ever the liberal Californian, let this one go.

NEXT: And on the third day, there was the Longhorn Ball.

Finally, it was time for the Longhorn Ball — an outdoor fair where the men wore cowboy hats and the women wore, well, as close to nothing as possible. Amanda was escorted by Blake’s cowboy lover, while the rest of the ladies (minus the level-headed Heather) were escorted by their blind hatred towards Amanda. One of the ladies received a text message photo of Amanda in her “Booby Licious” gear, and the whole gang confronted the poor “sort-of-stripper with a heart of gold” with the salacious MMS. “We have a moral code” shrieked the peanut gallery. “If memory serves, even Jesus hung out with whores and thieves,” Amanda awesomely replied, after apologizing to Cricket, and revealing to Sharon that she knew about the afternoon’s Neiman Marcus mishap.

When the other Belles dispersed, Amanda let Kitten know that while she was once the “Queen Bitch” of Dallas, she no longer had any desire to relive her former glory. “I don’t want that title back, it’s yours,” she insisted. Kitten didn’t take too kindly to the “bitch” part of the title, and made it quite clear that the Christian version of Jihad (Crusade?) was about to go down. Amanda, understandably exhausted, retreated to her mother’s home, where the identity of her secret admirer was finally revealed: Why, it was none other than Gigi! Her efforts were questionable, but the intention was pretty awesome — to shake up the uptight neighborhood, and take the attention away from Amanda’s ex-husband drama.

But it was Amanda that would finally do the ultimate shaking. Once she took a look at her Booby Licious paycheck and realized that the less-than-holy establishment was owned by Kitten Corporation, she took the fight to Dallas’ ground zero: Church. Amanda delivered a seemingly heartfelt prayer on forgiveness and second chances, thanking Kitten Corp and Booby Licious for her newfound redemption — intentionally revealing to the entire congregation that Kitten and her husband owned the joint. Point, Amanda!

So, viewers: What did you think of GCB? Is it a worthy replacement for the age-old, but much beloved, Desperate Housewives? Did you miss seeing Kristin Chenoweth on the small screen? Let us know in the comments!

Inappropriate double entendres of the week:

“Why you have to hunt head is beyond me.” –Gigi

“It’s nice to know that someone, somewhere, is always sitting on my face.” –Heather

“I had to get some bodywork done, and they messed up my colon.” –Kitten (She meant a biblical verse! On her car! Get it?)

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