Carlene gives Booby Licious an image makeover while Amanda's daughter joins the popular crowd

Gcb Recap
Credit: Karen Neal/ABC
S1 E2
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  • ABC

Heavens to Betsy, is it Sunday already? Well, lucky for me (Shout out to my fellow lapsed-Catholics!), the only service I’m required to view on this Lord’s day is the completely insane one they show on GCB. Though, honestly, if mass at St. John’s was as passive-aggressively catty and entertaining as the service on this show, I might be more inclined to show up. The only drama I remember from my 18 years of church-going was that one time my friend Katie passed out before communion because she forgot to eat breakfast. Ugh, my town was so boring.

Anyway, last night’s GCB really pushed the limits on how many times an ABC show can say “Booby” in one episode. (Obvious drinking game alert: Drink whenever breasts are referenced! Have aspirin ready and the emergency room on speed-dial, because this week was a doozy.) There were two major plots churning tonight, both involving ta-tas. In the first, Carlene “Kitten” Cockburn continued on her holy crusade to ruin Amanda’s life, this time using Booby Licious as her David’s Sling.

If you recall, at the end of last week Amanda exposed Ripp and Carlene as the owners of Booby Licious in front of their entire congregation. When we first met Carlene this week, she was living like a recluse, propped up in her giant canopy bed like a glittery, fabulous Howard Hughes. She was so filled with shame that the unspeakable had happened: She was considering missing church. “I can’t show my face or my talent in front of all those people,” she moaned. Her partner-in-crime Ripp used Bible verse to remind her of her wifely duties, but even the words of our Lord proved futile. (Proverbs 31: “A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life. She selects wool and flax and works with eager hands.” Does anyone really think that Carlene does any work with wool and flax?)

But something would have to draw our effervescent Carlene out of bed, and poor beard Cricket had just the ticket: The ladies had a passive-aggressive-church-attack-song planned, and Cricket was fully prepared to take over Carlene’s solo. Oh no no. Carlene was dressed and ready in no time, and she belted out Carrie Underwood’s “Jesus, Take the Wheel” with the spunk and talent usually reserved for, well, Kristin Chenoweth on Broadway. Amanda, whose husband had recently been killed in a sexually scandalous car crash, received the poorly-disguised message loud and clear. Point — Carlene.

Unfortunately, Amanda had more immediate pressing issues to attend to. Gigi, who still bemoaned the status of her daughter’s reputation, was planning a debutante party of sorts to re-introduce her progeny to Dallas society. Unwisely, she added Carlene, Cricket, and Sharon to the invite list — and a passive-aggressive Carrie Underwood song was simply not enough to satiate their appetite for revenge. Carlene still wanted blood for the Booby Licious diss, and Sharon was distressed to learn that her husband, Zack, had been frequenting the joint to see Amanda. (Aside: Sharon figured this out by LICKING ZACK’S TIE to taste what kind of sauce made an obvious stain. Let’s keep track of how many times they use “Fat Sharon being gross with food” as a visual gag. It happens a lot.) Only Heather was taking Amanda’s side, but this newfound allegiance had Heather on the outs with the rest of the group.

NEXT: Shall the meek inherit?

Their revenge-plot was a two-pronged attack. First, the ladies had to convince all of the other invitees not to attend. They did so, easily, by spreading word that Amanda was a violent, uncontrollable alcoholic who lived in a house filled with guns. The second stage of their attack was a bit more lethal — they attacked Amanda, who was working with her head held high to honestly and properly support her children, at the workplace. Carlene showed up to the afternoon shift with a TV crew and boxes full of the ladies’ new uniforms, which could only be described as Amish-couture. Carlene told Amanda (and the cameras) that she had decided to re-brand Booby Licious in an effort to improve the self-esteem and dignity of its employees. To add to Carlene’s utter decency, all of Booby Licious’ profits would now go to her own personal charity — “For Children With Something.” Amanda rightly pointed out that Carlene was being a massive hypocrite about their uniforms, as her own enhanced breasts were loudly on display. “I have been saved,” Carlene cattily replied. “I have a wonderful, spiritual husband, who likes them where he can see them.” Drink!

Amanda seemed ready to let this one slide, but she abruptly changed her mind when she realized that Carlene’s actions might lead to her daughter Laura’s social banishment. The ladies agreed to meet at Carlene’s favorite pulled-pork hole-in-the-middle-of-the-desert for a tête-à-tête, where Carlene insisted that she had told the ladies to make sure that Laura was treated kindly. After all, Amanda’s bullying had practically saved Carlene. “You were right,” Carlene insisted over delicious-looking sandwiches. “My skin was like the map of Switzerland. My nose was an Idaho potato.” Carlene had taken Amanda’s cruel words and used them as inspiration for her plastic surgery, and she would be forever grateful. To show her appreciation, she left Amanda at the restaurant.

Meanwhile, over in B-plot land, everything came full circle as the sins of the mother were very nearly visited upon the daughter. Amanda’s amply breasted daughter Laura had finally caught the attention of the popular crew, which was naturally made up of Cricket and Sharon’s witchy daughters. Unfortunately, years ago, pre-redemption Amanda thought up a nasty branding process for the unfortunate young ladies of Hillside High School: The pretty girls were labeled “Foxes” with buckets of glitter, and the uglies were branded “Javelina,” covered in slop, and shunned forever.

Well, the time for Laura’s branding was nigh: Hillside’s big pep rally was rapidly approaching. Unfortunately for Cricket’s daughter Alexandra, who was not only a cheerleader but the head of “The Foxes,” her deeply closeted father would not be in attendance. “I can’t understand how entertaining 80 cowboys is more important to you than your daughter’s first basket toss!” Cricket moaned as her husband packed for the ranch. But Cricket never shared this news with Alexandra, who was still riding high off her recent breast enhancement, and focused on Laura’s labeling. “She’s kind of cute,” Alexandra said as she weighed her options. “But then she opens her mouth and she’s… unattractively smart.”

Ultimately, on the day of the big rally, the GCB’s were still out for blood: Cricket was upset over Blake’s dude-ranch desertion, Sharon was feeling rejected after Zack pooh-poohed her food-oriented advances, and Carlene was still Carlene. So the stage was set for Laura to be branded a Javelina, and Amanda was still stuck at the restaurant, unable to warn her.

Yet Laura, surprisingly, was not the one who ended up humiliated that day. Alexandra, who had worn last year’s uniform with this year’s breasts, accidentally exposed her new C-cups to the entire student body. The marching band was so happy! Also, do teenage girls not wear bras now? Is that a thing? Heather also faced a bit of humiliation, as her new enemy Carlene banned her Amanda-loving self from the rally. But Laura ended up on the winning team: The GCBs decided to “keep their enemies closer” by allowing Laura to join the Foxes. Amanda, who showed up last minute, was worried that her daughter would continue down her own bitchy path, but Laura insisted that she could never be as cruel as her mother. She would use the system to her own advantage, and ultimately survive it.

NEXT: Honor thy mother

Amanda later confided in Gigi that she was worried about Laura’s headstrong behavior. Gigi helped Amanda realize that she herself had faced the same problems with Amanda, and the ladies basically kissed and made up. For now. Amanda took Gigi’s advice and made up with Laura as well. She told her daughter that she was proud of her for carving out her own path, and Laura replied that she was proud of her mother for being a sexy, headstrong, self-supporting waitress at Booby Licious. “Legend has it, you were the Queen of the Foxes,” Laura said. “If you can’t out-Fox Carlene Cockburn, you’re not worth the glitter sprinkled on you.”

Which leads us to the end of this week’s battle. The next day, at Booby Licious, the ladies called Ripp with an ultimatum: He could go against Carlene to restore the old uniforms, or lose his entire staff to his competitor, “Chicken N’Cheeks.” Naturally Ripp decided on the former, and Carlene took another hit when Gigi brought Amanda’s now-bustling coming-out luncheon to Booby Licious. Everybody came! Point — Amanda.

So, Christian Soliders: What say you about episode two of GCB? Are favorite characters emerging? Do you wish, as I do, that you owned Cricket’s mile-wide no-contact-necessary bed? Most importantly, who do you think makes the best pulled-pork sandwich in the entire universe? Now, I’m no southerner, but 25 years of vacationing in North Carolina has led to Pigman’s Bar B Que earning my vote. Why don’t they open one in LA? Let us know what you think in the comments!

Inappropriate Double Entendres of the Week

“If your husband is getting a plentiful feast at home, he won’t go a-snackin’ at Booby Licious.” –Carlene

“When I pitch a tent, it stays up until I want it to come down.” –Ripp

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