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April 27, 2017 at 10:00 PM EDT

Anyway, Patrick is bad, but he’s often right about everyone just needing to calm down, not worry about seeing a penis or two on the pool deck, and go along for the ride. That is absolutely impossible for Cheyenne, who is the kind of gay dude who was probably picked on when he was younger and his revenge is to get a perfect body and then be an absolute tool for the rest of his life, or at least until people stop paying attention to him because he’s hot. Cheyenne is the kind of dude who will tell you that he’s in an Uber to meet you at the train station when he’s really trying on slutty bathing suits in Chelsea. That sounds like such a gay cliché that it seems made up for effect, but, in fact, it is very, very real. The world revolves around Cheyenne, and the rest of us are just the anonymous likes on his thirsty Instagram selfies.

His whole thing about going to the underwear party after he had a boyfriend was so annoying it made me want to bunch him up in a little ball and throw him into the ocean so that one of Fire Island institution Robin Byrd’s dogs can carry him around in her mouth for a month. He was complaining the whole time he was there because he didn’t want to be at an underwear party because he now has a boyfriend. If you don’t want to be there, then go home and quit your whining, queen. Stop harshing on everyone’s mellow.

I spent a summer taking money at the door at that underwear party (it’s a living!), and it was always the sexiest guys who didn’t want to take their clothes off, as if the world owed them some sort of special treatment. It’s an underwear party, not a shirtless-and-in-your-shorts-with-a-conspicuous-bandanna-around-your-neck party. Cheyenne is totally the guy who would show up at a pimps and hos party dressed as Alicia Silverstone in Clueless and expect you to gag at his lewk.

He behaves just as badly when the party erupts in the house, storming out in the middle of the night because he wants to go be with his boyfriend. Whatever Cheyenne wants, Cheyenne gets, and if you keep him from it, he’ll just sit and pout until he gets it. I felt the worst for Justin, whom Cheyenne was going to help at his art show. Not only does he apologize for skipping it to go pick up his boyfriend, but he then tells Justin it was “totally worth it.” He giggles a little bit at the end of that sentence, like it’s supposed to be joke, but no one thinks it’s funny. He does this all the time. God, I think he might be the worst, and I hate myself because I would totally still sleep with him.

Everyone else in the house seems pretty fine though (and I mean “fine” in every respect of the word). Khasan seems lovely, even if his boyfriend Jason is as spicy as vegan cheese. Brandon is young, hot, and a little bland, but, hey, I’ve had relationships based on worse. Justin (who, full disclosure, I know a bit socially) is a good guy, but, we get it, he’s worried about his body image. It’s like the producers told him he had to bring it up in every possible setting, and he’s just really doing what he’s told. As a man who thinks that Funny Bones are their own food group and who is also 10 years older than Justin, I totally get it. But, lordy, give it a rest. Justin is still super sexy and gets as much tail as he wants.

Oh, and then there is Jorge. His relationship with Khasan is (dot, dot, dot) complex. I don’t know what Cheyenne means when he says they’re Cinderella Slipper Sisters, but I love that and I’m stealing it. I don’t think that they have sex, but Jorge is obviously in love with Khasan, whether or not he denies it. What was up with them wrestling on the bed? That is the type of wrestling that happens in a teen movie, and it knocks off Rachael Leigh Cook’s glasses and Freddie Prinze Jr. realizes for the first time that she’s hot, and they stop wrestling and start making out. That wasn’t roughhousing. That was foreplay.

Also, if I were Jason, I would smack Jorge in the face for being so dramatic every time I wanted to spend time with my boyfriend. Jorge thinks that he’s joking, but we all know he’s not. We all know he is dreadfully serious. It’s going to be a long summer on Fire Island as they fire in their islands and Fire Islandly Fire Island to the Fire Island Pines Pines Island Island Fire Island Fire Island. God, they really use that word like “smurf,” don’t they?

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