Has there ever been a wake so lit?
Spit It Out
Credit: Bob Mahoney/The CW
S1 E2
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Come, friends! To the Green Room! Let us discuss the deliciously outrageous drama surrounding the Carringtons, the family putting the “nasty” in Dynasty. I mean, in the span of five minutes we get a bl– job in a cemetery and a stepmother pushing her stepdaughter into an open grave. This is the stuff that soapy dreams are made of!

The drama picks up almost immediately where the premiere left off. You remember: Cristal had just jauntily walked down the aisle to David Bowie when Claudia pulled up to inform everyone that Matthew, her husband and Cristal’s lover, is dead. And she blames Blake Carrington. Murder Accusations and Screaming Widows is an unconventional wedding theme, but hey, the Carringtons are unconventional people.

Needless to say, the press and the police are all over the Carrington mansion. Blake has the chief of police, Stansfield, on his side before the investigation even begins, but he still wants a private word with his family. They need to band together and do whatever it takes to get the suspicion off of them and save the reputation of the company. It could almost be considered warm and fuzzy if Fallon weren’t baiting Cristal about her dead lover or if Blake weren’t throwing expensive glassware in his daughter’s general direction.

The first step in controlling the narrative is to have their head of PR-turned-COO speak to the press. Unfortunately, that person is Cristal, who is unable to hide her grief. As she makes a statement to the press on behalf of Carrington Atlantic, she learns that Matthew’s death is rumored to be a homicide, and she does not take it well. A person prone to fainting isn’t really who you want making statements to the press, but you live and learn, I guess.

The next morning, Fallon, her breakfast head wrap, and the rest of the Carringtons regroup. This investigation isn’t just going to go away, so they need to be sure to get rid of any trace of Matthew outside of him being an employee at the company. All of them, sans Steven, had motive to want him dead: Blake because Matthew was sleeping with his wife, Cristal because Matthew could ruin the thing she has going on with the Carringtons, and Fallon could’ve wanted an accident at Windbriar to tank the price in order for her and Jeff Colby to snatch it up. Fallon needs to take care of the photo she had taken of Cristal and Matthew meeting before the wedding, and Cristal, well, Cristal has a whole Box of Matthew at her house to tend to.

As Cristal goes home to get rid of all her Matthew Mementos — including the sweater he gave her during their adorable meet-cute and why does Nick Wechsler have to be dead already (OR IS HE)? — she gets paid a visit from everyone’s favorite (except Cristal) butler-slash-henchman, Anders. He’s simply there to make sure Cristal does what she’s supposed to in order to protect the family and make vague yet threatening remarks about having information on Cristal’s past. He succeeds in both. An A+ for Anders!

Cristal is so distraught over losing Matthew (honestly, we only see glimpses of their love story through quick flashbacks, but they are affecting), she goes to see his field partner, Willy. He, too, is distraught. He tells her that in his final moments, Matthew called out for Cristal. Matthew also wanted her to know that before the accident, Blake was trying to get him out of the picture by reassigning him to a position in China. When Matthew refused to leave the country and instead resigned, he wound up being sent on the Windbriar job. Cristal needs to be careful with the Carringtons.

How bad could Blake really be? Well, while Cristal is sitting at a diner reminiscing about Matthew, Blake is giving Chief Stansfield a new lead to look into: Jeff Colby. He tells Stansfield all about Colby’s interest in purchasing Windbriar, and how a scandal might make the price of the property more advantageous. Since Colby is now partnered with Fallon, he also had access to the truck that went haywire and caused the explosion. Motive and means: that’s something worth looking into. Unfortunately for Blake, when Stansfield finds Colby, he’s meeting with Fallon — she’s come to him for some IT advice on how to completely delete any trace of the photo of Matthew she emailed to her father — and Fallon isn’t pleased. Also, Jeff Colby is looking super hot in some glasses and a velvet blazer, which I actually think Blake would appreciate. Find common ground, you handsome moguls! (Recap continues on page 2)

If Cristal needs even more evidence as to the lengths Blake will go in order to protect his name, she accompanies him to pay Claudia a visit. She and Willy, there for support, are sure Blake is somehow to blame for Matthew’s death. To win over Claudia, Blake tells her wonderful things about her husband, gives her a whole boatload of cash, and tops it off with some of Matthew’s belongings he “left in his office.” The sweater that still smells like him looks very familiar to us and, more importantly, to Cristal. Blake has taken all that Cristal had left of Matthew and handed it over to Claudia, right in front of Cristal. That’s cold, people. Cristal calls him out on it, but he just feeds her more lines about doing it for her own good. Cristal, you in danger, girl.

Blake has also offered to pay for Matthew’s funeral and host the wake. So, just as the wedding linens are being disposed of, Anders must dust off the funeral tablecloths. Knowing this family, he hopefully has them located in an easy-to-reach spot.

The funeral is hilarious. Yes, Matthew is dead (I HAVEN’T SEEN A BODY) and that is very sad, but Fallon is there with one purpose only: to cause trouble. After she “takes care of” chauffeur Michael in the car parked right next to the burial site, she comes upon a sobbing Cristal. The funeral is too much for her. The girls get into it, as they do, but this time it’s Cristal with the final word — er, final push. Yes, to end their argument, Cristal pushes Fallon into an open grave and walks off. This funeral is the best!

The wake isn’t so bad, either. Fallon changes into a definitely-not-funeral-appropriate red dress and reams her father out for implicating Jeff, before Jeff shows up with a virus that will wipe any trace of that photo from their email servers. Even though Fallon swears Jeff is helping them (he doesn’t even ask what she’s trying to delete), Blake still doesn’t trust the guy. Meanwhile, Cristal is torn between being sickened by the lengths Blake will go to deflect suspicion from his family — he’s invited a reporter to attend the wake — and her desire to prove her loyalty and love to him. After being reminded by her nephew that she, too, has crossed lines for family, Cristal lets the latter win out. When Willy gets drunk and starts loudly blaming Blake for Matthew’s death, Cristal steps in. She tells Willy that Matthew was in love with her, but it was all one-sided. She lies to Willy’s face, belittles him, and to top it off, she fires him. Talk about collateral damage. #FreeWilly

Cristal does it all in the name of Carrington. Blake is impressed. Alone in Blake’s office, Cristal is obviously distressed about what she just had to do, and she openly questions why Blake threatened Matthew before his death. Again, Blake tells her that everything he does is for his family, and that includes her. Maybe it’s this declaration, maybe Cristal wants to forget her grief, or maybe she’s just horny, but regardless, Cristal jumps on top of Blake. Funeral sex, it’s a thing.

But wait! The sun hasn’t set on the Carrington mansion just yet. There is still time to squeeze in some additional drama. And no, I’m not talking about Anders dropping yet another vague hint about what he has on Cristal (he calls her Celia Machado and she looks ruined). I’m talking about you know, the FBI showing up. Earlier at the funeral, Stansfield tells Blake that it looks like he’s in the clear as far as a murder investigation. There’s a new suspect and the FBI is taking over the case. Blake seems relieved…until the FBI shows up and arrests Steven. How he could be implicated, we have yet to find out, but the timing of it all is such a shame: He and Sam have just stopped playing flirty games with one another and possibly started something real.

Steven will probably be fine, but honestly, I could barely care because it looks like next week we’re all attending an ’80s-themed party at the Carrington mansion. That is perfect. Go on and brush your shoulder pads off, Dynasty.

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