A dancer heads home to normal life (boo!); Nicki Minaj and James Blunt perform
Mark Chelsea Stars
Credit: ABC

Spoiler alert: You don’t get one! Not with that headline. (And especially not if you’re crazy enough to understand it.)

The ballroom bid a sadder-than-expected farewell to Kendra Wilkinson and Louis Van Amstel on the season 12, week 7 results show. Kendra started breaking my heart even before they went under the red light — in her backstage confessional from Monday, she admitted “I don’t want this to end; I’m so in this now. It’s now a part of me, and Louis helped me find it.” What a classy exit for the bunny who originally inspired DANCMSTR Len Goodman to use the term “chesticles.” Mama’s coming home, Little Hank!

Chelsea Kane and Mark Ballas (every single time I refer to them, I have to go back and put her name in front) landed “in jeopardy” with Kendra and Louis, though, as usual, “not necessarily in the bottom two.” We had to endure a whole segment about Mark bitching, post-paso doble, that Len should have given him a higher score — even though, as Len argued in disbelief, Mark had gotten “equal first” from him, so what was the kid even on about? I’m annoyed all over again just typing about this. Imagine how much Len wanted to smack the smirk right off of that youngster’s face with one of the rusty, spare wares from the The Mark Ballas Chain Supply ‘N’ Warehouse. (Too much? Probably too much.)

Inside scoop from Our Host Tom Bergeron! Apparently Mark and his dad Corky have a special hand gesture that’s just for them, and on Monday night Mark — as pictured here — was not making a “wanker” gesture but was instead “rolling the dice.” I’m pretty sure Tom Bergeron is not a liar, or at least I’m pretty sure I should say that so he’ll continue to call me after the results shows. But there you have it. Rolling the dice!

Press the “play” triangle to hear this week’s ‘Host’s Leaderboard’! The Mark Ballas/”roll the dice” discussion kicks in at 7:20.

Can we talk about the little service bell/Scrubbing Bubbles guy on Brooke’s shoulder last night? Great. (Thanks to my mom and reader “salsalissentio” for making those useful connections.)

I think Brooke was pissed she wasn’t invited to the royal wedding, so she transferred her own ridiculous fascinator to the shoulder. Look at her. She is fuming!

Ooh, it’s fun to fictionalize Brooke. I’ll keep this in mind.

NEXT: Why does Tom Bergeron keep lying to me, DANCMSTRs?

I have to hand it to Nicki Minaj for being the perfect visual representation of the ridiculata that is Dancing With the Stars. Nicki’s spotted green hair, bejeweled, giant-sequined tunic, and FRINGED BOOTS complemented Lacey’s pink high tops in a way that would truly only make sense in the ballroom. Troupe member Kiki, Our Pro Chelsie, and a newcomer named Sonny Pedersen joined the colorful spectacle of “Moment for Life.” Here’s a moment I’d like to treasure for life: A quick Google search just told me Sonny’s middle name is Fredie. Adorable.

James Blunt, who looks happily incredulous 100 percent of the time, performed “I’ll Be Your Man” while Maks’ hot, shorter brother Val Chmerkovskiy and the lovely Dasha Chesnokova stirred up a fresh batch of Cool Whip Lite on the floor. Is it weird to say they struck me as the mini-me version of Maks and Karina? Is anything about this show not weird? I didn’t think so. I enjoyed all three musical performances more than the Macy’s James Brown tribute, but hey, that was well done too and I had no idea Wayne Brady could dance like that.

Up next: Patricia Zhou, 17-year-old ballet prodigy and light of Tom Bergeron’s life. Aww. He loved her! The Michael Jordan of ballerinas got an assist from another bare-footed wonder, singer-songwriter Priscilla Ahn. (Watch the video for “Dream” here.) It was the simplest, loveliest performance a results show has seen…possibly ever? Well, it was at least up there with Jonathan, Anna, and Sarah McLachlan’s “Angel” (video here), which was apparently a profound experience for me, reading back. Oh, season 10. You seem so long ago.

There I go, exercising vicariously through my TV again. Agggggggh, my legs!

She was amazing. Tom called Patricia and Priscilla “A body in motion and a voice in the air,” which he claims to have come up with 12 seconds before he said it. What?! You’re killing me here, Bergeron. Poetic genius should not come so naturally to mere mortals, even if they do dabble in Sparkalienism two nights a week. (For the record, “a body in motion and a voice in the air” is often how I think of Tom, especially when he executes high kicks and jaunty microphone waves.)

Oh, good, time for some stilted therapy sessions featuring creepy black-tableclothed round tables. At a few points, Hines was just blatantly laughing at Kym — not her fault; I think he was just struck by the situation. “You could validate me more when I do the right thing,” Kirstie helpfully suggested to Maks. Deal? “Probably not,” he replied. Honesty is so important in a partnership.

Your Hidden Gems of Week 7! Check ’em out. Here’s a taste, in honor of Our Bunny.

“Kendra totally rocking out on the sidelines during Hines’s cha cha solo.” –jen, endorsed by Colleen, gigi, Joanna Banana

Look for my weekly chat with Tom Bergeron later today.

Press the “play” triangle to hear my imaginary friend in all his alternate-universe glory!

‘Til next week, DANCMSTRs.


EW.com’s Fringe Fairy

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