Doctor Who recap: The Husbands of River Song
The Doctor just wants to spend Christmas with River. Is that so hard?
Season 9 is too ordinary a title for the year Doctor Who just had, so I’m proposing an upgrade: Doctor Who: The Fourth Awakens. Season 4 has its fingerprints all over season 9, but while most of this year concerned itself with Donna, the companion we regained and then lost, the Christmas special is more interested in River — the companion we gained and lost all at once, but not forever, exactly. What is forever to a time traveler? Spoilers.
It’s Christmas in the year 5343, and the Doctor has parked the TARDIS in a remote human colony that he seems to have no plans to get to know. If anything, the TARDIS — which has taken to giving him hologram antlers to cheer him up — probably led him here against his will, knowing who would find him. Sure enough, a man by the name of Nardole comes calling. Nardole mistakes the Doctor for a surgeon, which is almost understandable, but actual surgeons generally don’t answer, “Close enough” when asked if they’re surgeons.
The expert surgeon in question was summoned by none other than the foremost representative of real curly hair on television, River Song. River needs someone to operate on her husband, and that husband is not any incarnation of the Doctor, much to our Doctor’s dismay. But would an alternate-timeline wedding really hold up in court? Would any of River’s weddings? It feels right that River runs around the galaxy using marriage to her own ends; in this case, she married a king for the diamond lodged in his head. She doesn’t care about him. She just wants the Doctor to cut off the king’s head and hand it over.
The Doctor objects — not just to the murder, but to the fact that River is all for it. He tries the usual moral arguments, but River doesn’t recognize his face as one belonging to the Doctor, and she wasn’t around when the Time Lords gave him extra regenerations for Secret Santa. As far as she knows, those 12 faces are all he gets, so this guy is just a surgeon who needs to do his job. That argument is put on hold when the king appears in the room with them both. He’s been listening, and River is in trouble.
There is one bright spot: They don’t actually have to kill the king to remove his head. King Hydroflax’s head is screwed in to a giant metal body — think Jarvis from Iron Man, minus the empathetic qualities, plus anger issues. With a bit of quick thinking and an assist from River’s sonic trowel (“Do you realize how ridiculous that sounds?”), the Doctor and River bag the king’s head and teleport out of there.
River may not recognize the Doctor, but she is looking for him. She parked the king’s flying saucer here because this location intersects with the Doctor’s timeline. To that end, she has a guy named Ramone — who, yes, is also her husband, though she’s wiped their wedding from his memory — canvassing the area for the Doctor as she knows him. (“Codename: Damsel in Distress. Apparently he needs a lot of rescuing.”) When that fails, she decides to just borrow the TARDIS, as she apparently does all the time. He’s never noticed before. The Doctor glares: “Maybe he’ll notice now.”
Inside the TARDIS, the Doctor gives the dramatic “It’s bigger on the inside” speech that he’s always wanted to hear from newbies, but when they have trouble taking off, he drops the act. River still doesn’t recognize him. But she does appreciate the surgeon’s insights: The box is hardwired not to fly when a life form registers as inside and outside at the same time — as the king currently is. That delay gives the king’s body time to catch up, stealing the heads of both Nardole and Ramone before tracking River to the TARDIS.
At least they can take off once the king’s body is inside. River has the coordinates set for a space cruise ship not unlike the one the Tenth Doctor visited in (What else?) season 4. There is one key difference: Everyone here is an indiscriminate murderer. (“This is where genocide comes to kick back and relax.”) River has a meeting set with a potential buyer; she never planned to return the diamond to its rightful owners after all. While they wait, she reads her diary, Oscar Wilde-style: “One should always have something sensational to read on a spaceship.”
The Doctor prods. If the diary is sensational, why does she look so sad? River admits that it’s nearly full, and the man who gave it to her was the type to know exactly how many pages she’d need. She talks about the Doctor like he’s nobody special. The Doctor, who would definitely attend his own funeral if given the chance, just keeps prodding, his face falling a little more each time. They’re interrupted by River’s buyer, Scratch, who casually opens his own head at the dinner table to hand River a sphere capable of transferring funds to the account of her choice. She gives him the king’s head — only to learn that Scratch filled the dining room with his own people, and they all want this diamond for the glory of King Hydroflax.
Backed into a corner, the Doctor tries to bluster his way out. He turns the gathering into a bidding war for the “truly devout,” then activates the king’s head and sends the whole room to its knees. But the Doctor and River’s escape is blocked by the king’s body, which was freed from baggage hold by a conniving waiter named Flemming. Flemming knows of River’s association with the Doctor, and since the king’s head is still dying, he can think of no better substitute than a rogue Time Lord. The king’s body incinerates Hydroflax’s head as Flemming starts his interrogation.
River admits to both knowing and loving the Doctor, but she doesn’t believe that he feels the same. “When you love the Doctor,” she argues, “it’s like loving the stars themselves. You don’t expect a sunset to admire you back.” It’s a pretty speech, but the best thing about it is how wrong it is. The Doctor might not express love in ways that are entirely familiar to us, but he just spent 4.5 billion years crashing through a wall of Azbantium to save Clara, and he’s standing here now, looking pretty admiring. River only has to see his face to realize that it’s him. “Hello, sweetie,” he smiles. This is the most I have ever liked the Doctor and River together.
They flip the banter switch. “Hush,” River snaps at a confused Flemming, “mommy and daddy are busy.” She’s known from the start that this ship is doomed to crash in a meteor strike, and she’s positioned herself and the Doctor exactly where they’ll need to be to survive. As the ship starts to plummet, she grabs the diamond, and the Doctor shoves the sphere into the slot where the king’s head should be. The firewalls of every bank in the galaxy short-circuit the king’s body. The Doctor tries to save the ship, but he won’t risk River’s life, and she won’t risk his. Accepting the lost cause, they dive back into the TARDIS at the last minute.
The impact knocks River unconscious, giving the Doctor time to send the TARDIS forward a few hours and step outside in the still-smoldering wreckage. They’re on the planet of Darillium, in sight of the Singing Towers — where he and River are meant to spend their last night together. A worker is frantically looking for survivors. The Doctor comforts him, telling him that it’s brave of him to try and handing him the diamond. One condition: He has to use some of the money to build a restaurant right here. The Doctor sends the TARDIS forward in time again and makes a reservation for Christmas dinner — in four years’ time.
One more trip forward in the TARDIS, and it’s time to eat. River wakes, changes into her second fabulous evening gown of the hour, and joins the Doctor on the balcony. He even has a present: a sonic screwdriver that looks suspiciously like the Tenth Doctor’s. She’ll be showing it to him in no time. The Doctor knows what this night represents, and River has read enough stories to suspect as much. “Spoilers,” he deflects when she asks if this is really their last night. River assumes that the Doctor will find a loophole, but he tells her that there’s no such thing as happily ever after: “Every Christmas is last Christmas.”
Did the Doctor really forget Clara? He remembers what Danny told Clara in a dream, which isn’t too far off from remembering her. I wouldn’t put it past him to fake forgetting in order to give her a clean break. In any case, he remembers his loss, which is why he knows better than to tear apart reality to save someone else — unless you count saving her in a computer. (I don’t.) But River has a different perspective: “Happily ever after doesn’t mean forever. It just means time, a little time.” And they have some of that: a night on Darillium lasts 24 years.
If this is the last we see of River Song, it’s a fitting ending. That’s not the first time people have said as much — she’s had a few “fitting endings” since we met her — but as muddled as River’s timeline is, I always felt like it would be incomplete until we’d seen this. It’s exactly the kind of bittersweet reunion that the Doctor needed after Clara. Now go re-watch the Doctor and Donna’s trip to The Library and pretend that every holiday lasts 24 years.
- “They’ve been there for millions of years, through storms and floods and wars and time. And nobody really understands where the music comes from. It’s probably something to do with the precise positions, the distance between both towers. Even the locals aren’t sure. All anyone will ever tell is that when the winds stands fair and the night is perfect, when you least expect it, but always when you need it the most, there is a song.”
- Hello, fez.
- “Stop holding my hand. People don’t do that to me.” Except Clara.
- “Carol singers will be criticized.”
- “My back’s playing up. It simply refuses to carry the weight of an entirely pointless stratum of society who contribute nothing of worth to the world and crush the hopes and dreams of working people.”
- “I’m an archaeologist. Look, I’ve got a trowel.”
- “This Damsel person, he sounds pretty dangerous…ish.”
- “My entire understanding of physical space has been transformed! Three dimensional Euclidian geometry has been torn up, thrown in the air, and snogged to death! My grasp of the universal constants of physical reality has been changed forever.”
- “Does sarcasm help?” “Wouldn’t it be a killer universe if it did?”
- River married Stephen Fry.
- “Why is everything sexy now?”