Paul figures out he was being poisoned, while a killer descends onto Wisteria Lane. Who'll bite the bullet next week?
Gaby’s story line seemed sort of pointless for the first half of last night’s episode of Desperate Housewives. She and Juanita were watching a horror movie together, and Carlos thought it was a bad idea because of its potential to freak the child out. Gaby offered her usual biting response: “The kid’s used to violence,” she told Carlos, before continuing to watch the flick. “You’ve seen me make her eat carrots.” Really, I kept thinking: This is what they’re gonna do with the Solis clan on this week?
But, as the hour — which was titled “Then I Really Got Scared” — ticked on, things began to crystallize, and I realized why Gaby’s story line was indeed important: It allowed us to meet the serial killer who will apparently terrorize Wisteria Lane in the two-hour season finale next week. After Juanita complained of seeing movie killer outside the house night, a flummoxed Gaby decided that she’d quell her daughter’s fears by camping out to show her that nothing was out there. Lee popped by to scare them, but then the real killer — played with what seems to be an Indiana Jones look by actor Kristopher Logan — showed up, and Gaby successfully shooed him off, thinking it was just Lee again. Then, near to the end of the hour, came the requisite shot where we saw this creepy guy surveying Wisteria Lane. Maybe he was thinking: Who should I kill first?
Whatever the killer was contemplating, one thing seems clear: This guy is completely random…at least at this point…to me? We saw a shot of the dude’s face, and I couldn’t place him in the Desperate Housewives world. I kept thinking: Am I supposed to know who this is? There’s no doubt that, after next week’s sure-to-be-thrilling two-hour episode, all things will be illuminated about who this scary man is. Is he from someone’s past? Is he someone’s long-long someone-someone, back for revenge? Which someone has he arrived on Wisteria Lane to settle a score with? Or: Is he indeed a complete random?
Based purely on the tease for next week, it seems like Gaby will definitely be on the receiving end of some of his terror. But, that tease is just that: a tease. Ain’t no way Gaby is going to bite it, of course. If I were a betting man — and I am when it comes to Desperate Housewives — I have a feeling that this killer’s presence has something to do with setting up the mystery for next season. Or, there’s always the chance that he could factor into closing out the major arc of this season concerning Paul Young and Felicia Tillman. Maybe one — or both — of them will take a bullet?
NEXT: “Why don’t you stab me with this? It’ll be faster. Or are you getting your kicks out of watching me die slowly?”
And speaking of those two nutballs, the madness between them — that’d be, Felicia poisoning Paul with antifreeze via Susan’s food — continued. Although his doctors brushed off his episode-ending collapse last week as just stress, Paul started to put together the pieces and realized he was being poisoned. Since Susan was bringing him his meals — specifically, Paul had her tuna casserole tested positively for antifreeze — he pointed his finger at her, not realizing that Felicia Tillman was the actual culprit. “Why don’t you stab me with this?” said a knife-wielding Paul, who was accusing Susan of poisoning him. “It’ll be faster. Or are you getting your kicks watching me die slowly?”
The episode ended with Paul bringing the cops in to arrest Susan. But that was only after a batch of antifreeze-infected cookies had been distributed at a function at M.J.’s school. Dun dun dun! Are some of the parents — the folks who Susan so desperately wanted to fall back into the good graces of — going to die? I mean, probably not, but Susan sure seemed to think so. I guess she might not realize how the antifreeze poison works (which makes sense since she’s not the one actually orchestrating the poisoning), but from what this episode has explained — as well as the various Lifetime movies I’ve seen on the subject before — it takes several doses of the stuff to kill someone. So, like, those parents at M.J.’s school are all going to be fine. But being arrested in front of them all for possibly poisoning them probably won’t do anything to help her already lackluster reputation.
NEXT: Lynette to Tom: “You can’t handle your success. You’ve turned into a pompous ass!”
Lynette and Bree’s story lines were definitely the B story lines for the evening. Or, maybe just the ones that seemed less exciting than what was going on with Susan and Gaby? Tom and Lynette, once again, butted heads — this time it was over where the Scavo family should go on vacation this summer. The real issue here, though, wasn’t about the vacation. It was about who was in charge of making decisions for the family. “You can’t stand that I am running the show!” Tom said to Lynette, referencing the fact that he’d made the vacation plans without even consulting with her.
The fight only intensified from there. Tom offered: “This is about how you can’t handle my success!” To which Lynette rebuffed: “No, you can’t handle your success. You’ve turned into a pompous ass!” And then, finally, more from Tom: “Maybe because it’s turned you into a raging b—-!” Cut to Penny crying on the stairs, worried that her parents were about to divorce. That led the couple to make plans for a weekend getaway to work things out between them, as long as Tom could get away from work. “We have always fought, Tom, but never like that.” It’s true, I thought the fight seemed rather heavy, but like, these two always fight. And they always come back together. Can you imagine a season 8 of Desperate Housewives that featured a separated Tom and Lynette? I guess stranger things have happened, but that could be interesting. Although — let’s be honest — it probably wouldn’t be.
Bree, meanwhile, was occupied with Chunk Vance, the detective from last week who was intent on going out with her. Long story short, she agreed to go to dinner with him. Beforehand, Renee did a background check on him, and discovered that he had been married with kids before — and that he still wasn’t fully divorced from his ex. Bree confronted him about the facts on the date, and things quickly devolved into a tit-for-tat secret-revealing session. For all intents and purposes, the date ended there. But after an odd moment where Chuck seemed sweet, Bree decided to give him a second chance.
However, it seems there might be even more about Chuck that he should have been upfront about, like the fact that he might have dabbled with the same sex in his past. “Okay, I’m calling it,” we saw Lee saying to Bree in the teaser for next Sunday’s finale. “Time of gay: 11:21.” Honestly, could this show get any gayer? It’s almost seems like that when the writers aren’t sure where to go with a story line, they just go gay. Bored with something? Sprinkle on a little gay!
The last note on Bree’s storyline is my continued feeling that Vanessa Williams is being totally wasted in this role. Like, why have her on Wisteria Lane if you’re not going to use her? I feel like she should be involved in the central mystery next season, or just cut entirely. I realize it’s hard to write for five leads on a show, but it also seems insulting to have her in a role where she’s doing background checks on her friends’ dates. Really?
What did you think of last night’s episode, Desperate Housewives TV Watchers? Are you intrigued by the killer who has descended onto Wisteria Lane? Do you have any theories about who he is or why he’s there? What’s Susan’s fate in this poisoning scandal? And do you agree with me that Vanessa Williams is being underused on the show? Lemme know in the comments below!
Tanner on Twitter: @EWTanStransky