Katherine takes her obsession with Mike too far and two Wisteria Lane residents lose all hope when faced with rejection
Desperate Housewives
Credit: Ron Tom/ABC

In only took nine episodes, but season 6 of Desperate Housewives is finally totally becoming unhinged. In last night’s rather high-quality hour of dramedy, we witnessed not one, but two, suicide attempts, as well as a down-and-dirty firing that saw Carlos dismissing Lynette in the fallout after her pregnancy cover-up. Pretty good stuff, if you ask me. I mean, not good — I don’t wish calamity on anyone! — but I’m pretty sure you know what I mean. Good for fictional television. And it looks like next week is keeping the Desperate crazytrain going, too, as it seems like near total destruction is coming to Wisteria Lane. I, for one, can’t wait! Count me in!

But back to last night’s action. The most shocking events, to me at least, seemed to be the suicide attempts. Both Danny Bolen, who was apparently heartbroken after being rejected by Julie and possibly irritated after seeing his parents arguing, and Katherine, still distraught over being dumped by Mike, tried to off themselves. At this point, we know that Danny woke up after his mother Angie discovered him passed-out next to an empty bottle of pills, but instead of answering to the name of Danny, he repeatedly told Nurse Mona that his name is ”Tyler.” That, of course, is yet another seemingly worthless clue in the mystery of the Bolen family. We also learned tonight that it was Angie who killed someone, and that’s why her family has been on the run for 18 years. And actually, there was yet another worthless Bolen clue! The exact date of whatever scandalosity that happened was Nov. 10, 1991. Whoa! This case is blown wide open for us viewers! So now we know the fact that Danny’s real name is Tyler, the fateful date, and that Angie is the one who did whatever bad thing. Which all adds up to…nothing, really.

What I don’t get about the Bolen situation, with the scant and pointless information we know right now, is why last week it was Nick who was calling ”the Feds” and offering to come in to talk. So, if he didn’t do anything, what would they really want with him? Maybe he’ll be charged with aiding and abetting a criminal or somesuch? Or maybe they think if they get him they can crack him into revealing Angie’s whereabouts? In reality, it’s silly to even try to guess about any of this because we’re not working with all the facts. Truly, the whole thing will probably just — oh my God! — end up being a big misunderstanding or something. I doubt, doubt, doubt that they’ll send Angie off to prison in May. I mean, are viewers gonna stand for that? I don’t love her, but she’s growing on me and I honestly wouldn’t like to see her carted away. Regardless, it’ll be interesting to see how they finally wrap this up. After 10 or 12 more episodes where useless clues continue to dribble out.

NEXT: We’re all worried about Mrs. MayfairBefore I move on to the other suicide attempt, one more thing on the Danny Bolen front: Could he possibly be the killer of poor Emily Portsmith and the strangler of Julie Mayer? See, at the beginning of the episode, as we watched the fallout over Emily’s death, Mary Alice had this to say about what was going on in Fairview and its scared residents: ”A killer was walking among them, and they would soon learn he wasn’t finished.” So, from that we know that it’s a man for sure and he was going to kill again. In essence, Danny tried to kill himself. Could that count? Eh, just a thought I had. Probably not, but I was just thinking that he could have been targeting Julie because she rejected him and maybe he was shot down by Emily, too? Or, of course, the killer could be someone random. Or Nick himself! Or a zillion other people.

Whatever the case, broken hearts seemed to be the reason for hurting one’s self during last night’s episode. That’s what propelled Katherine to stab herself with one rather large knife. Now, one quick disclaimer: We didn’t actually see Katherine stab herself. The very Desperate-styled scene showed her first telling Mike to stab her: ”If you mean it, then please kill me,” she told her ex after he said he never loved her, ”It would be less painful.” And, then, after he left, we saw Katherine pre-calling the ambulance and telling them she was losing a lot of blood before the camera turned to the lasagna and we heard her gasp just before she plopped the bloody knife back on the table. We never actually saw the knife go into her, but we have to assume that’s the case, right? I think we’re supposed to, and I think that ABC probably wouldn’t show a woman stabbing herself in prime time.

Here, I think Mike is being beyond an asshole. It’s one thing to run off with your ex-wife and leave Katherine in the dust. It’s another to just continue to put salt in the wound by telling her evil things like you never loved her in the first place. Harsh! And, I realize, too, that Katherine is being totally nuts. Randomly telling MJ about her problems? (Although, I do have to say that it was more than adorable when MJ was concerned about her and told Mike: ”I’m worried about Mrs. Mayfair. She’s not getting any younger, and it’s really hard to meet guys in this town.” Too cute!) Picking him up from parties? Check and check, she’s certainly a crazy person. But Mike is probably going to feel bad if Katherine actually succeeds with her suicide attempt. (Which, judging by the previews for next week where I spied her sitting in a hospital gown, it doesn’t seem like she does. But that could be a dream sequence or something else. You never know!) At this point, though, I’m kind of totally bored by the Katherine-is-a-crazy-bitch story line. Give her something else to do! Make her a villain! Give her a new boyfriend! Her current shtick is getting snoozy.

NEXT: Don’t mess with the boss manThe other shocker of the evening: Carlos actually fired Lynette. But that was the only astonishing part of this non-starter of a totally petty story line. At first, the tension between Lynette, Gaby, and Carlos was palpable. (I still think, however, that Gaby is being a huge hypocritical bitch about the whole situation — there’s no way the scheming Gaby would not have done the same thing as Lynette, had she been in her shoes.) Then, Gaby decided to feel generous and told Carlos they should reconcile. But before they could, Lynette had already sued him for the awful treatment (OMG, a small, closet-like office!) at work. So, in retaliation, Carlos gave Lynette a nearly impossible task and fired her. Back and forth, back and forth, with it all wrapped in a huge bow of pettiness. Boring! I honestly just can’t comment on this story line any further because there’s nothing to say besides the fact that I feel bad for how screwed the soon-to-increase Scavo family is.

I know I said earlier that I thought this was a good episode, and I did. But really, I think the case is that the good, overall, just outweighed the boring and bad. Because Bree’s story line, just like most of Lynette’s, wasn’t really doing it for me either. I did think it was clever how the writers had Susan discover Bree and Karl’s affair — having Julie and Karl switch cars and then Susan noticing Julie’s car at the no-tell motel was a stroke of genius. But, honestly, a catfight between Bree and Susan during the laughable self-defense class and Bree paying Orson’s friend Lamar to go see him so he’ll break his parole and she can blackmail him? Please. I guess Susan, however, did make me laugh, when, after finding out that Bree was in love with Karl, she asked her red-headed friend: ”Bree, I have to ask you one question: Are you drinking again?” And the silly self-defense class did yield one funny moment, when Mrs. McCluskey told Gaby she wasn’t scared of taking her own: ”Oh please, I’ve eaten burgers bigger than you.”

And on the random note of burgers, I’m done. So it’s over to you now: What did you think of last night’s episode, TV Watchers? Do you agree with me that the good outweighed the bad and it was, overall, a rather shocking hour? What will be Katherine’s fate? Could the appearance of Ana in last night’s episode have been more pointless? And who do you think would win a real showdown between Bree and Susan? (Hello, Bree!) Burn up the comments section below!

Desperate Housewives (TV Show)
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