Gaby shares a secret with her niece, Lynette keeps her secret from Carlos, and Julie's secret is revealed ... at least to us
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Credit: Ron Tom/ABC

s there ever a week where Desperate Housewives isn’t about the folks of Wisteria Lane keeping secrets? That — shocker! — was the big theme this week. I honestly can’t remember one hour of the show that has been totally secret-free, and last night’s episode surely wasn’t. Instead, it brimmed with all the Lane’s residents strategically keeping their lids on their various indiscretions. Danny kept his dad’s secret about Julie; Angie and Danny kept the secret about ”the explosion” from us viewers; Lynette continued to keep her baby secret from her boss Carlos; Ana kept a secret about seeing Gaby and John kiss from Carlos; Bree continued to keep her affair a secret from everyone; and Julie kept the identity of her married lover (as well as a few other things) secret from her mother. Got all that? Head spinning yet? Keeping all the secrets straight?

But some beans did get spilled to us viewers, of course. The biggest? The identity of Julie Mayer’s married lover — none other than Nick Bolen! I honestly didn’t see that one coming, but after it was revealed, it sorta made perfect sense. The reason that Julie couldn’t take up dating Danny — despite his best efforts — was because she was already messing around with his father, Nick. (And now Danny knows!) Or, rather, Dominick, as he seems to go by with her.

And actually, Nick referring to himself as Dominick threw me at first. When Nick referred to himself as Dominick at Julie’s beside, I kept wondering who Dominick was (a secret identity? a pet name?) before I realized that Nick was just short for Dominick. Duh. But there’s gotta be some significance as to why he’d refer to himself as Dominick, though, right? But, honestly, I can’t figure it out right now. Maybe it was to help cover up things relating to their affair somehow? Maybe that’s what the whole ”D” thing in her journal was about, too?

But even though we viewers now know who Julie’s lover was, Susan still doesn’t. And, before Andrew visited Julie in the hospital and accidentally spilled the beans, Susan also didn’t know that Julie had quit medical school and was waiting tables instead. Whoops on Andrew’s part!

Susan was none too pleased about all the news, but the affair set her off most. ”What were you thinking — dating a married man?” Susan fumed at Julie, after she woke up from the coma. Julie’s retort: ”Guess what, I’m not perfect anymore. That perfect daughter you remember, who was always there when you needed her, who held everything together when you were falling apart, she’s grown up, and she’s going to make mistakes.” And finally, Susan’s rebuttal, which was especially stinging: ”I never expected you to be perfect, but I didn’t raise you to do something this stupid. You know what an affair like this can do. You saw it first hand.” Susan, I assume, is referring to the affair Karl had that broke up her first marriage.

NEXT: Katherine’s cuckoo for MikeSince we’re on the subject of the Bolen family, let me dedicate a minute to that. Right after last night’s show aired, EW’s TV critic Ken Tucker asked the question, ”Is it too soon to say Drea de Mateo’s storyline isn’t working?” In the blog post’s first sentence, he answered: ”I don’t think so.” And I totally agree. One of Ken’s biggest complaints is that Angie Bolen is set up to be a permanent outsider on Wisteria Lane (á la Betty Applewhite), as she’s not interacting enough with the rest of the ladies yet. I complained about nearly the same thing last week, yet I thought maybe after Susan made her grand let’s-pick-up-trash-together gesture, things would change. Alas, they didn’t. Honestly, what would make me even care about the Bolens? Or Angie herself? I mean, she kind of whines around that no one likes her and whatnot, but why would I care? Her family hasn’t done anything to endear themselves to us viewers.

Plus, the Bolen drama is just slow. Like, this week, we did get the bombshell that Nick was having an affair with Julie. And then Danny let it slip that an explosion caused his mom’s scarring. But beyond that, we’re inching along. When does the drama here really begin? I demand more and I demand it now! Whatever. My current thought is that the family is mob-connected or something. Explosion seems kind of mob-related, maybe? >p> Beyond the drama with the Bolens and Julie Mayer, the only other interesting story line was Katherine Mayfair’s descent into madness, which I’m loving! She’s bats— crazy! And totally delusional. ”I’m not over Mike! No silly!” she told her boss Bree, after she asked her who she was in love with. ”Who’d you think I was in love with?” Then, referring to Susan, Katherine added: ”Oh, honey, their first marriage went down in flames. This one is going to crash even faster!” From those wacky statements to her peeping from outside of Mike and Susan’s house to her keying Bree’s car after she got fired from the catering business, I couldn’t be more obsessed with Katherine right now. Dana Delaney, especially during that diabolical car-keying scene, just knows how to make going off the rails look like a complete blast.

One of my favorite parts of Katherine’s story line last night was when Bree confronted her about creeping around outside Mike and Susan’s house at night. ”You were spying on me?” she came back, super quickly. To which Bree hilariously replied: ”I am not the spy in this story.” Hehehe. That’s sharp writing. The whole cake thing with Katherine going off the deep end was smart, too, but my only complaint was that you could see it coming a mile away. As soon as you saw Bree pick up that design in the office, you just knew it was going to be Katherine’s dream cake and that she’d somehow smash it. But I suppose it did give Bree a reason to outright fire Katherine, which will undoubtedly just stir up more mess for the future. I’m liking where things are going here.

Despite Gaby’s story line being kind of yawn-inducing (secret: Gaby sometimes thinks about Jon and, last night, he kissed her), I was surprised by her a little bit. Especially after everything — John coming back into her life and Ana catching them mid-kiss — I was surprised to hear this rather heartfelt speech she gave to Carlos: ”My life. It just seems so small sometimes. I spend my days thinking about detergent and groceries. Or how I’m going to get the spot out of the upholstery. It’s not at all the life I thought I’d choose for myself. But some days I look up and I realize I’m happy. I’m honest-to-God happy with my life. Anyway, I just thought you might like to know that.” How sweet, really. And with that, I think we might be saying goodbye to Jesse Metcalfe’s John character for at least a while.

NEXT: Complete boobsEven though they are a bit boring, Carlos and Gaby continue to be my favorite couple on Wisteria Lane. Tom and Lynette, who are still keeping her pregnancy under wraps, need to step it back up if they want to get back into my good graces. This week, the Scavos really just provided some really cheap laughs, like when Tom called Lynette’s pregnancy-enlarged breasts ”The Supremes” and referred to his own parts as ”Benny and the Jets.” I mean, wow. Wow! We’re going there? ”The Supremes” was kind of funny, ”Benny and the Jets” seems to take it one step too far. But there was even more: ”The kids get snow days,” Tom told Lynette, trying to convince her to stay home so he could play with ”The Supremes.” ”We could call it a Boob Day!” Wat wat. Yes, it’s true fans! The Scavos story line was all about Lynette’s big boobs.

Their story line all felt a little gaggy to me, of course, until we got to the sappy moment between Tom and Lynette at the end. After she asked him why he was with her if he so liked someone with big boobs. ”I’m not perfect,” Tom explained to Lynette. ”I’m not rich. I’m not brilliant. I’m not movie star handsome. If you didn’t have this one flaw, I would spend every moment of every day thinking, what the heck is she doing with me?” My question: Are smaller-sized breasts really such a flaw? I mean, c’mon! But Lynette seemed satisfied with Tom’s response: ”You may not be brilliant, but you can tiptoe through a minefield better than anyone I know.” Which is totally true. He’s smooth.

So, now it’s your turn, Desperate TV Watchers: What’d you think of the episode? Are you similarly bored with Gaby and Lynette’s story lines? Do you agree with Ken and I that Drea de Mateo’s story line isn’t quite working? The promos suggested that a housewife may get shot in next week’s episode (”It’s the shot heard ’round the cul-de-sac!”), but do you believe that for even one minute?

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