Katherine refused to go down quietly and sought some satisfaction from Susan on her wedding day, while Lynette fought to come to terms with her unexpected pregnancy
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Desperate Housewives
Credit: Ron Tom/ABC

Let’s see here. The premiere of Desperate Housewives included one wedding, one scorned woman, one adulterous affair, one bitchy teen terror, one very unhappy pregnant wife, one new family on the street with some sort of dark secret, and one rather surprising attempted murder. With all that ammunition, I say to naysayers who claim the hydrangeas on Wisteria Lane have lost their pungent fragrance: think again. In my opinion, at six seasons in, the show is better than ever. Those hydrangeas are more putrid and beautiful than ever.

Let’s start by talking about the aspect that seems most intriguing for this season: the attempt on Julie Mayer’s life. First off, I was rather surprised to see Andrea Bowen back on the show, but I suppose it makes sense for her to show up for her mother’s wedding. But, of course, more than the surprise of her return after a season spent mostly away, I was surprised to see her attacked with little wind-up. Like, where did that come from? Who knows, but I really loved it. What I love about having Julie in peril in the first episode is that it’s shocking and totally unexpected. She’s a big enough character that I care about her and know a decent amount about her, but it’s not like Susan, Gabby, Lynette, Bree, or Katherine was knocked off the show. No, no, that’d be no good. In EW’s Fall TV Preview, we quoted creator Marc Cherry as saying, ”I’ve come up with my own version of ‘Who Shot J.R.?”’ Why he certainly did, didn’t he?

So clearly, with Julie’s attack, we’ve got our mystery du jour. Of course, the question now is: Whodunit? After seeing Julie interact with the new boy on the street, producers want us to think that either he or his family (which is harboring some sort of secret, as nearly any new family to the Lane usually is) is responsible. Because, let’s be honest, there is something weird about the Bolen clan. After the Bolen son, Danny, asked Julie if she’d go to a movie with him, we were led to believe that his father told her that she shouldn’t go out with him. And then there’s Angie’s alarming scar/burn on her back.

At this point, it’s not even worth speculating what could have caused Angie’s injury because the family honestly didn’t reveal anything much about themselves. (Or was there something small they revealed that I didn’t catch? Let me know in the comments!) I suppose we do know there’s something weird about the Bolens because we heard Angie say this to her husband: ”We can’t afford to make waves here. Everyone has to think we’re nice, normal people.” So, then, they’re not nice, normal people? Sorry to bring it up again, but according to our Fall TV Preview, though, they’re running from something. But what?

What I do like about the Bolen clan is that they seem very real and very gritty, like they’re totally capable of sort of doing what they need to survive, no matter what the price. Remember when Angie took Lee to task when he was trying to sell the house? (BTW, since when did Lee have a passion for real estate? Speaking of that, I loved this inappropriate homage from Lee to the dearly departed Edie: ”I got really lucky. The woman who handled the properties in the area, she slammed her car into a pole and got fried by a power line.”)

NEXT: A woman scornedBut back to the Bolen’s attitude. That little scary/uncomfortable fire from Angie is what ingratiates this family to me. Also, it’s great to see Drea de Matteo back on screen. About her family’s mystery, at this point I’m also wondering if it’s going to stretch to be season-long, a.k.a. last season’s winding Dave Williams mystery. Personally, I think I’d be more of a fan of several smaller mysteries throughout the season. But I’ll reserve total judgment until we see how this Bolen secret pans out.

The next big thing to talk about is the wedding. I can’t say I’m surprised that it was Susan under that veil. I mean, Susan is the more alpha housewife, so she’d sort of take any competition that put her up against Katherine. Something in me, though, wishes that it was Katherine who’d won the battle. I mean, I couldn’t help but feel awful for her throughout the episode, as she crazily tried on Susan’s wedding dress very near a pot of boiling tomato sauce and showed up at the wedding looking for a public apology. My heart really did break for Katherine every time she made some comment about her spurned life with Mike. ”He used to love my sauce,” she told Susan, while hovering over a pot of the stuff. ”Of course, he used to love me, too.” And, even though Susan did eventually publicly apologize for wrecking Katherine’s life, it didn’t satisfy the scorned woman. It probably goes back to my rather strong dislike for the whiny Susan Mayer in general, but it didn’t satisfy me either. I have a feeling Susan will eventually get hers from Katherine. I can’t wait to see how that’ll all go down.

Despite all that, though, it was actually Julie who had some of the best lines in the situation. As Susan scurried to scrub the spots of tomato sauce out of her dress, her daughter commented: ”It’s your third wedding — an all white dress was going to be a stretch anyway.” Hehe. To which Susan hilariously retorted: ”Do me a favor: Save the ‘my mom’s a slut’ jokes for the toast!” And then, when Susan left the room, Julie zinged again to Mike: ”The scary part is that of the two women you could marry, that’s the stable one.”

Lynette and Tom’s story line was also rather chuckle-inducing. I about died when Tom asked, ”What do I smell?” and the pregnant-with-twins-at-an-old-age Lynette responded: ”Despair, mortality, paralyzing fear.” Ha! This is a woman who doesn’t want to have these babies. As per usual with Lynette’s story lines, this all felt very real. She had very real concerns about having twins so late in life. ”At their graduation,” she moaned to Tom, ”I’ll be the old lady with oatmeal on her chin.”

Her concern did manifest itself in a nasty, but entertaining, way at least once, when she took the first-time mother down a notch in the doctor’s waiting room. ”Oh, does he have boobs?” she warned the excited mother about her husband’s impending helpfulness with the baby. ”Then you’re the only bar in town. That baby can scream into a bullhorn and Johnny won’t judge.” Genius line from Lynette! But, even though she was still being mean, I think she really hit home when she continued and told the mother: ”There will be so many moments where you’ll feel lonely but you will never be alone!”

Oh, and what the hell, I’ll include another of my favorite lines from Lynette. I loved it when she told Tom, ”We will never be done if we birth two every time one moves out — that’s just math!”

NEXT: Bree lets her hair downBut back to the real-feeling quality of this story line. I’m not a mother, obviously, but I think it was very raw and realistic — no matter how unfortunate — when Lynette bared her soul to Tom and told him about how she really felt about having the babies. ”None of them were planned,” she said about her other children, ”but I loved each of them the moment I knew they were coming. It’s different this time. I don’t love these babies.” Um, why don’t you just stab me in the chest? How heartbreaking! Something tells me, however, that she’ll come around. Children are a blessing, of course, but I kind of can’t imagine the already-insane Scavo household with two more children. Plus, what about money?!? I’m surprised Tom and Lynette didn’t talk about the sheer cost of having two more children — they’re already rubbing their pennies together most of the time! But maybe that’ll be saved for a future episode.

As for Bree, her affair with Karl has progressed quite far — but not quite to sex, yet. Most of the comedy in this story line was derived from Bree wanting to have her first time with Karl be special, and not just on the couch in his office. A situation that drove Karl crazy. ”Then get them in blue,” Karl said, as he and Bree shopped for sheets for their motel room. ”I’ll tell you what they’ll match then.” Zing! Zing, zing, zing! They were buying sheets, of course, because Bree was unsatisfied with the cleanliness of the motel rooms. ”Karl, I’m not going to lie on that revolting sheet wondering how many junkies have died on it.” Maybe I was just in a slap-happy mood while watching last night’s episode, but that line really killed me. And, honestly, it’s not even that funny! I think it was just funny to hear that come out of Bree’s mouth. It also killed me when she told Karl, after deciding to do the deed: ”I booked the room last night. I’ve already changed the sheets and cleaned the bathroom. Kiss me!” So freakin’ Bree it’s hilarious!

Gaby and Carlos, meanwhile, spent the episode dealing with their sassy new guest, Ana. I was surprised to see Gaby really putting the smack down on Ana about what she was wearing and where she was going. But, I think we’re supposed to infer that she doesn’t want Ana making the same mistakes that she might have made at that age. And, maybe this is a sign that I’m just getting old myself, but even I thought Ana’s lacy top was inappropriate for school. So there!

As usual, the continually Lucy-and-Desi-like Gaby and Carlos, provided a ton of comic relief. After Carlos told Gaby to go easy on Ana because of her hard life, I cracked up when Gaby retorted, ”Yeah, yeah, she’s one dead dog away from a country song. I don’t care!” That’s our Gaby! And, after seeing the skanky top that Ana wanted to wear to school, I couldn’t hold it in when Gaby said, ”That’s why the school nurse is an obstetrician. Wear something else!” Now that, my Desperate Housewives TV Watchers, is a joke that I have not heard before. And a very funny one at that!

So, DH fans out there, what’d you think of last night’s episode? Are you loving the beginning of season 6 as much as I am? Have you, unlike me, been able to crack the Bolen family’s secret already? Are you worried about Lynette’s sanity through this twin pregnancy? Can you believe that Mrs. McCluskey is getting so much action? Sound off in the comments below!

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