Lynette finds out about Porter's lady love, Porter finds out he's got to grow up really soon, and Susan finds out about Jackson's hidden talent and sees his not so hidden love for her

By Tanner Stransky
November 11, 2008 at 01:23 AM EST
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Well, it’s certainly sweeps. And how can you tell? The dials on your favorite network shows get turned up all the way during this ratings-crazy period. And you could certainly see that with last night’s Desperate Housewives. No crazy tornadoes this go round. (Thank goodness!) But guest-starring this week? Sordid sex, oh my! On Wisteria Lane? You bet your bippy.

Susan donned a barely there French maid costume to lure Jackson back into bed with her. Mike and Katherine whipped up a lot of something in Bree’s test kitchen…but it wasn’t anything edible, per se. It was, however, caught on tape. (We found this out only after Orson and Bree did the same thing. Who knew pot holders were so, um… useful.) Lynette was still reeling from the sex her darling (riiiight) son Porter has been having with cougar Anne. The same goes for the Solis clan, who were dealing with the fallout from the unintentional sexual pleasure Carlos bestowed on one seriously whacked-out old lady. (And we thought Mrs. McCluskey was crazy. Ha!) Who realized the suburbs were so sex crazed?

Without question, the best moment of the episode, however, wasn’t sexy so much as it was totally bitchtastic and vengeful. Lynette threw down the gauntlet with Anne, the lady who’s been boffing her son. And it happened, somehow perfectly, in the school bathroom…right after a PTA meeting. The earnest remark from PTA leader Anne about protecting their children at a school dance — “If we don’t keep an eye on them, God only knows what kind of trouble they’ll get into” — sent Lynette into pit-bull mode. So, bam! She pushed Anne into the paper towel dispenser. Well, not so much pushed. Rather, slammed! As soon as Anne walked into the bathroom, I just knew something amazing was going to happen. But the beautiful thing about Lynette is that you never really know what, exactly, she’s going to do. While some characters — like, say, Bree — are much more predictable, Lynette is nearly always a loose cannon. Is she going to simply berate her opponent with a heart-wrenching speech? Publicly humiliate them? Eat a bunch of pot brownies and then embarrass herself instead? You just never know.

In this case, she reacted as only a mother would — with claws out. It’s probably a good thing that Porter and Anne are planning to run away (sadly, with what looks like his pitiful stash of allowance money!) because I don’t think the cougar would have seen the next sunrise if Lynette knew that she was pregnant. They’re keeping the baby, from what we can tell right now. We could devolve into some sort of discussion about whether they’re really in love or whether they should keep the baby, but where does that get us? This is undeniably a bad idea for these two, but it makes for a really juicy, albeit rather unnecessary, story line. Wasn’t the fact that they were doing it enough? Did she really have to get pregnant, too? (And on that note, why would she be pregnant when they were clearly using condoms? That’s how his dad found out, wasn’t it? I know condoms aren’t foolproof, but still. This revelation smells a bit fishy to me. Could Anne just be playing Porter so they can run off together?)

NEXT: Gaby bites the hand that’s been feeding her

Nevertheless, on to other, for the moment, less suspicious story lines. Last night, because she and Jackson were starting over and dating again (with a no-sex edict), we learned a lot about Susan. Stuff that, honestly, who cares about? (She used to chew on her hair? Um…disgusting.) The only part I thought was remotely interesting — and somewhat funny — was finding out the three words she doesn’t like: panties, larvae, and chunks. Panties is inexplicably a given on most ladies’ most-hated-words list (right?), but larvae and chunks…ewww. Admittedly those words kind of give me the chills, too.

But back to the main story here. Jackson revealed that he’s a painter. Yes, yes, you all know he’s a painter. But really, he’s an actual trained painter. Like the fancy ones that paint on canvases in Europe and whatnot. And Susan’s no-sex edict helped him get over his year of painter’s block. And that was after only a few days of being deprived. Imagine what he could do if she took away his sex for a year. (A redux of the Sistine Chapel?) On a more serious note, though, I have to say that the Susan and Jackson relationship is sort of growing on me. (Even despite Susan’s gross-out quips, like “Jackson, look at me! I’m tipsy. I’m horny. I’m easier than a five-year-old’s homework!”) The touching moment when she saw his painting of her sealed the deal for me. Jackson obviously loves her so much. So much that he portrayed the usually harebrained Susan with the gravitas of Mona Lisa. That’s a feat in itself!

The rest of Wisteria Lane was rather tame, with just morsels coming from Bree, Gaby, and Mrs. McCluskey. I was rather intrigued by the possibility of a Bree sex-tape scandal, but, alas, that was all just a teaser so that we could learn that Katherine and Mike are now totally in a relationship. Because Mike is Susan’s ex, this has mess written all over it, as Bree warned Katherine: “We’re women. We don’t do that to each other.” Bree is nothing if not blunt. But I do feel for Katherine — the lady hasn’t been in a relationship for five years and hasn’t had sex in two. But I can’t help but wonder: Are we in for yet another Desperate catfight? Susan versus Katherine maybe? Just because she’s been in the Bree van de Kamp School of Crazy for the past five years, I’d give the edge to Katherine.

Gaby, meanwhile, got herself in too deep with crazy Mrs. Hildebrand. “Oh, lap of luxury, how I’ve missed sitting in you!” she cooed from her inflatable pool chair. Margarita in hand, of course. Mrs. Hildebrand was more than happy to indulge Gaby’s every whim — but only if she got what she wanted in return: an instant family. In true Gaby fashion, the former model pissed her off…and there went Carlos’ job at the country club. My problem with this story line is that you could see it coming from a million miles away. Where do we even go from here? She ruins Gaby and Carlos’ life for the moment until this pair moves on to some other pitiful story line. Methinks maybe it’s time for Gaby to try winning the bread for this family for a while.

And Mrs. McCluskey. I’m still loving Lily Tomlin’s guest role. After the pair botched their fact-finding phone call to Dave’s psychiatrist, instead of fretting, Roberta simply said, “Can I Irish that up for ya?” Speaking, of course, about whatever Mrs. McCluskey was drinking. Hehe. We didn’t learn too much this week on the Dave Williams front, besides the fact that he’s likely criminally insane. Are we supposed to be shocked by that? Duh. The guy is a loose cannon. Him being criminally insane would be no surprise. What does his doctor plan to do on this trip to Fairview? Recommit him? Warn those around him? Or do they just need to have a consultation? Honestly, I need some more movement on his story! It has surely been intriguing this season, but we’re seven episodes in and at nearly the same place we were back in September. Of note, though, is that Dave did book the garage band for the White Horse battle of the bands. Maybe something huge will happen there to propel the Dave Williams mystery forward. We can hope, right?

But what do you think, TV Watchers? Is Katherine making a huge mistake by hooking up with Mike? Can Porter really escape from Lynette’s clutches? Wasn’t that “sex music” Jackson played to seduce Susan just the worst? And what’s in store when Susan’s daughter turns up with a new beau next week?

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Eva Longoria Parker, Teri Hatcher, Marcia Cross, and Felicity Huffman star in the soap set on the dangerous Wisteria Lane
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