Lynette's worried about her husband's relationship with a real estage agent, Gaby's worried about one of Carlos' clients, and Dave should be worried about what Mrs. McCluskey's up to with her sister

By Tanner Stransky
Updated November 05, 2008 at 01:06 AM EST
Credit: Ron Tom/ABC

Desperate Housewives

S5 E6

I have an odd fascination with the cougar trend in entertainment these days. You know, the whole foxy-older-lady-sleeps-with-guy- who-could-be-her-son thing. I’m not so much obsessed with the cougars themselves but rather with how freakin’ prevalent they’ve become in pop culture. They’re everywhere! Last night on Desperate Housewives, yet another cougar (Gaby, for one, used to coog out with John the gardener) made her way to Wisteria Lane.

In a story line designed to make us think Tom was sleeping around with hottie real-estate agent Anne Schilling (a fabulous Gail O’Grady), it was revealed that his son Porter was, in fact, the one getting busy with her. And I’ll admit: I didn’t see that one coming. As I watched the events unfold — most notably when Tom hid the condom wrapper at his new band rehearsal space — I was ready to write a diatribe against the guy. But then, in a way that’s truly Housewives, the whole situation was turned on its head.

I do have one thing to say to Porter and it’s ”Really? You’re young and cute! You have a nice smile! Hell, you wear weird little hats that look like they’re from A Clockwork Orange!” Porter should not be in bed with an older woman. I mean, if he likes them a little more mature, couldn’t he have gone after a college gal? My, my…

The plot description for next week’s episode says that Tom and Lynette “discover one of their worst fears has come true.” While press releases tend to play things up quite a bit, that seems a tad dramatic, no? I mean, it’s not like Porter is out murdering folks or doing drugs. So, he’s sticking it to a MILF. There are certainly worse things to be doing. At least we know that Lynette’s break with Tom — she was packing her bags after she assumed Tom was the one trysting with Anne — will be quickly resolved. As much as that couple fights (especially lately), I’d hate to see them apart.

My other fascination with last night’s episode of Desperate Housewives: Lily Tomlin! What a flash of genius it was to cast her as crazy Karen McCluskey’s even-crazier sister. Loved her leather paperboy hat, leather jacket, low-cut, cheetah-print top, and general demeanor. Hello, the lady was filling her coffee cup with a flask — and even brought her sissy a tallboy to the hospital! Was she sent here to be my surrogate grandmother? I’ve confessed this before, but I’m simply obsessed with crazy-ish older ladies (ladies who’d be too old to be considered cougars, mind you), and Tomlin didn’t let me down! My dreams will come true if it’s Karen and her whacked-out sister who eventually take down Dave Williams.

NEXT: Carlos’ magic hands

Speaking of that nutjob, we got a few more details about who he’s targeting — someone who is an ex-convict. In what seemed like a moment of vulnerability, Dave told Edie about his brother, Steve. The subject came up because Dave named his garage — errr, warehouse? — band (which now officially does include a sad Carlos on tambourine, Mike on guitar, and Orson on keyboard) after a band his brother had in high school, called Blue Odyssey. Dave then nonchalantly mentioned that his brother had been killed by another inmate while in the slammer. So, we can be pretty sure that Dave is targeting someone in the band who also spent time in prison. From the information we know now, the options are Orson and Mike. My bet is Mike, especially seeing as how Dave seems to be constantly cozying up to him and is renting the plumber a house for super-cheap on Wisteria Lane. Plus the fact that Mike seems to have some rage issues. Or at least he did at one time. Or the Mike thing could be a decoy for us viewers to draw our attention away from the real target! Damn Desperate Housewives for all its twisty surprises. But that’s why I still love this show, too. I’m just dying to know who Dave is plotting against. (Thanks for the heads-up, TV Watchers! Yes, Carlos also spent time in prison, but aren’t we pretty sure that he didn’t kill another inmate while there? Mike and Orson are the only ones, as far as we know, whose prison times didn’t play out on the show.)

Sorry to bring up the subject of old ladies yet again, but we’ve gotta quickly discuss the, um, situation that Carlos is in. You all saw it, so I don’t need to explain too much, but basically, it turns out that the blind masseuse is able to bring a rich-old-lady client of his, Virginia Hildebrand, to orgasm simply by performing a regular back massage. What a saucy story line. And kind of unsettling. Were any of you TV Watchers out there uncomfortable during the scenes when Carlos was giving her a massage and she was moaning ridiculously? The exact moment I’m thinking of was when Gaby walked into her house and Virginia screamed out, “Go deeper!” before moaning more. Ewwww. Again, love old ladies. But not when they’re moaning and having orgasms. Just stick to the wackiness. Please, and thank you.

Overall, this was a rather suggestive episode, right? I say that because the next topic of discussion is certainly Katherine’s new lover, Peter, the ex-convict. (I ruled him out as a person of interest in Dave’s revenge scenario because it doesn’t seem like he’ll be sticking around, and, of course, he’s not in the garage band.) More than anything with this, I was just happy to see Katherine get some kind of story line. Finally! Dana Delany deserves it. Although, not surprisingly, the story line really kind of all came back to Bree, who set the two up. And she only did that because — oh my! — Katherine mentioned that she might leave town because she’d been on a two-year dating dry spell.

My question: Why does Katherine have to tell Bree something like the fact that she hasn’t had sex in two years? Shouldn’t Bree, as her supposed best friend and the sister she never had, just know these things? It pains me that Katherine has to threaten to move away to get her friend Bree to take an interest in her. I’m interested in Katherine! Dana Delany can come be my friend anytime, and I’ll treat her better than Bree. And as for Katherine actually dating the ex-convict, I say: Why not? Bree is married to an ex-con. Maybe the two of them could bond over that.

As far as Susan goes… zzzzzzzz. Oh sorry, I just fell asleep as I was thinking about her snooze-worthy story with Jackson. Why should I care about their relationship? Honestly, I feel like this is one of the worst written parts of the season so far. Jackson and Susan are together. They’re both kind of hot. Jackson takes his shirt off a lot and moons over Susan. Is there anything beyond that for these two? Not really. Anyway, the point is that they got back together. Well, rather, they’re “starting over.” That hyped-up shower scene “surprise” isn’t even exciting enough to discuss.

But, TV Watchers, what are you thinking? Are you, like me, bored with Susan and Jackson’s back-and-forth relationship? Were you shocked by Porter’s affinity for older women? Do you love Lily Tomlin’s guest spot as much as I do? And most importantly, what’d you think of Blue Odyssey? (They kinda sucked, right? And wasn’t Carlos just pathetic playing the tambourine?)

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Desperate Housewives

Eva Longoria Parker, Teri Hatcher, Marcia Cross, and Felicity Huffman star in the soap set on the dangerous Wisteria Lane

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