Desperate Housewives recap: Happy Brisday
Bree sneakily circumcises her ''son'' against Orson's wishes; meanwhile, Gaby ends things with Victor; Lynette gets rid of her mother; and Susan tries to get Mike off drugs
”The good news is this trip will be anything but boring.” You can say that again, Victor. Deception, murder, and mystery were in the air this week on Wisteria Lane, and nothing was quite as it seemed. Except for the untrimmed penis. That was exactly as it seemed, and according to Bree, it was unsightly. All in all, this was somewhat of a predictable outing, but Victor was right — it was certainly not boring.
Orson and Bree decided their son (or grandson, or Bree’s grandson and Orson’s stepdaughter’s son, or stepgrandson, or parenting do-over opportunity, or bundle of plot device) should get circumcised. Actually, Bree made the decision, and expected Orson to nod happily in agreement like a good whipped husband. (Don’t think he’s whipped? Did you see his Halloween costume in last week’s episode?) Orson shared his circumcision story over dinner with Mike and Susan, and no matter what may have happened between Katherine and her ex-husband, it couldn’t be nearly as disturbing as Orson’s ice-cream-outing revelation. Orson fell for the whole ”How ’bout we go get some sundaes!” ploy, which was a fast one I fell for as a child, but then again, it usually meant running some boring errands with my mom. Never traumatic impromptu surgery. Susan, of course, brought ice cream for dessert, which was bad, but not as cringe worthy as, say, pigs in a blanket.
I loved Bree the bris crasher — it was as if she were a wedding crasher, except instead of young, attractive singles, she hit on the mohel. Orson’s letter-writing campaign was equally hilarious and proved that he and Bree are perfect for each other. A completely demented, entirely dysfunctional sort of perfect, but perfect nonetheless. Orson was too quick to forgive Bree for going behind his back to get Benjamin circumcised, but as Bree said, ”It’s love that makes us a family and not blood.” I thought this was Bree’s indirect way of begging Orson not to kill her.
Not so perfect for each other were Victor and Gaby, who seemed more interested in shedding blood than in building a loving family. The two lovebirds went on a sailing trip, which was almost paradise until Victor was knockin’ on heaven’s door. Gaby, worried Victor would seek revenge, asked if maybe they could cut the trip short, because she was, um, chilly. Lynette’s sister wasn’t the only one who could have benefited from an index-card file of excuses. The trip was nothing but clear skies, smooth seas, and cracked skulls. Mayor overboard! I wouldn’t have brought the man I was cheating with to help rescue the husband I had just left for dead, but then again, I don’t condone adultery and attempted murder either. When they found Victor, he revealed that he wasn’t trying to kill Gaby. ”I wanted to see if we still had a chance.” He was trying to make their relationship work. Sorry, Victor, that ship has sailed.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, oar to the cheekbone. The lesson? Don’t marry Gaby for the Latino vote. Don’t turn your back on her. Most important, don’t underestimate her upper-arm strength. She hit Victor overboard a second time, and he sunk into his watery grave and will never be heard from again. Ever. Especially not during sweeps. Or did he die? Carlos and Gaby searched for six hours to find him. The search for Lee’s dog lasted longer. I’ve hunted for dropped M&M’s with more intensity. Carlos and Gaby’s complete lack of remorse was troubling, but this likely isn’t the last we’ve seen of Victor. There wasn’t a body. Haven’t Gaby and Carlos ever watched television? If I wanted to kill Victor, I would have shot him, watched him die, checked for a pulse, shot him again for good measure, burned his body, and scattered his ashes in 14 different remote locations. Similarly, if I wanted to fake a pregnancy, I wouldn’t throw the damning evidence in the trash can. Secrets, politicians, and stomach padding do not stay buried for long.
NEXT: Getting rid of parents
The secret surrounding Dylan’s father won’t be buried forever either. It just felt that way this week, when the story line took yet another dead-end turn. Oddly, I wasn’t bothered by the lack of plot advancement, possibly because Dana Delany rocked. When Dylan declared, ”I am officially no longer afraid of you,” Delany’s facial expression had me officially terrified. Katherine was quite the masterful manipulator, and the story she spun about her last confrontation with Dylan’s father was a very convincing lie. Not so convincing was her contact-information bluff, and I wanted to slap Dylan, who actually bought it. ”The last thought that I had was what would happen to you if I died,” but here’s your dad’s info, good luck finding him, honey! The scene was really well done, and I wished Dana Delany had more screen time. It wouldn’t have hurt to see Nathan Fillion at least once either.
Instead, we were introduced to Lynette’s sisters, who were, if possible, even more selfish than Lynette. Stella was never exactly mother of the year, but as her daughters bitched and moaned while she sat only a few feet away, I felt horrible for her. So she smoked and cursed and taught the kids how to mix a few drinks. (At least she never promised them ice cream and then….) But she took care of Lynette, emptied her bank account for her, and made those delicious pot brownies. Lynette showed her gratitude by showing her mother the door, and Stella, finally taking the hint that she wasn’t wanted, left. In what was the greatest missed opportunity of the entire season thus far, Lynette yelled, ”Mom!” as her mother pulled away, instead of ”Steelllaaa!” I decided Stella can come live with me, teach me how to mix drinks, and score me some pot.
James Denton as a tortured drug addict was unbelievably unbelievable. Though in the greatest unintentionally hilarious moment of the season thus far, Susan sobbed, ”So being married to me is so horrible and painful you have to be drugged up all the time?” This would not have been a good time for Mike to start being honest. I went from laughing to screaming at the television, ”Wash those pills down the drain — the man’s a plumber,” and then, lo and behold, Mike retrieved the prescription pain meds from under the sink. The man is on a slippery slope. I’d say downward spiral, but according to the previews, that’s scheduled for the next episode.
What do you think? Is Orson going to grow a backbone? Is Victor going to come back from the dead? And will Mike be drug free by the end of sweeps?
Eva Longoria Parker, Teri Hatcher, Marcia Cross, and Felicity Huffman star in the soap set on the dangerous Wisteria Lane