As Mother's Day gifts, Susan gets a visit from Mike's meddling mother and an early delivery; Lynette gets threats from Kayla; and Bree gets blackmailed by Edie

It was Mother’s Day last night on Desperate Housewives. Andrew got his mom flowers. The Scavo kids got their mom a turtle. Dylan got her mom a card. All nice gifts, sure. But I’ll be taking those flowers from Bree; she’ll get them back when she lets Orson see his own son. (And Benjamin is his son, related by blood or not, and shame on Bree for suggesting otherwise.) I’d recommend that Lynette give the turtle Kayla’s room, so that Kayla can move into the turtle’s home: a sealed glass cage. Dylan owes her mom more than a card for all the crap she’s put Katherine through this year, even if Katherine isn’t her real mother. And as for Susan, she became a mother again with the birth of some club soda, ice cubes, a lemon wedge, and a beautiful baby boy.

Mama Delfino arrived to finally meet her nude, snoring whore of a daughter-in-law, and for Susan, the tornado was less catastrophic. I guess we know who Adele blames for her son’s drug habit. Someone once said that men marry their mothers, yet clearly that someone never had the opportunity to meet Adele and Susan. Hanging out with Adele seems about as much fun as sleeping on marbles and washing walls.

When Susan annoys me, I moan about it in a TV Watch. When Susan bugs Mike, he picks up the phone and whines to his mama. ”Ma, I’ve been craving your homemade biscuits for weeks. The missus can’t cook, probably couldn’t even follow the three steps on the back of a frozen dinner. Come visit as soon as you can, I’m starved!” ”Ma, I can’t talk, I’m exhausted. I’ve been unclogging toilets all day. I hope Susan remembered to order takeout. Somewhere not too pricey, since money’s tight. Sure hope she sells one of her doodles soon.” ”Ma, I know I shouldn’t complain, but Susan’s friends are always trying to kill me.” I guess it’s important for Mike to have a sounding board when his wife grates on his nerves, but during their phone conversations, how exactly did they broach the topic of Susan’s nude sleeping habits? ”Ma, I know I told you I was cold at night, but Susan won’t let me use the extra comforter you sent. I don’t understand why she’s so hot. I mean, she sleeps naked. Maybe she gets heated up from all the wild, crazy sex we have. Can’t wait for you to visit! Don’t forget to bring the scrapbook with the recipes!”

Sure, the mother-in-law from hell has been done a million times before, but it was still entertaining to see Susan: helpless homemaker. She’ll never make biscuits from scratch, and you’d never be able to see your reflection in her bathroom tile, but that’s the reason Susan has friends like Bree. Bree would happily do all of that for her, without calling her a whore. It certainly wouldn’t have killed Mike to stand up to his mother and defend Susan. After all, she stuck by him through drug rehab, so you’d think Mike would be able to weather some heavy snoring.

If Susan’s wood sawing was keeping Mike awake, just wait until they bring the new baby home. ”This one feels like a crier,” exclaimed Susan, who went into fake labor to escape lunch. Fake labor became real labor, and then, wham, Susan was holding her newborn son. I had feared that one hour of next week’s two-hour season finale would be a drawn-out, unrealistic birth scene. Instead, we got a beautiful shot of Susan and her newborn son. It might be the only thing to happen on Desperate Housewives that went relatively smoothly, and that was fine by me.

NEXT: Drug-dealer marital therapy

All Gaby and Carlos needed to save their marriage was a drug dealer. Gaby’s been hitting her husband less. Congratulations, Gaby. Carlos has been getting out of the house more often, hiking scenic nature trails, which could be highway express lanes for all he knows. Though it must be difficult to navigate rocky terrain and revel in nature’s beauty when you’re blind. They both have been acting civilly toward each other, but not because they’re on drugs. They just live with a very nice young woman who brings out the best in both of them, but who is also stupid enough to hide her rather sizable stash of cocaine under her bed.

After accusing Ellie of being a prostitute last week, Gaby didn’t want to jump to any hasty conclusions. The bricks of white powder could have been flour; maybe Ellie was just guilty of some illicit baking. Yeah, and maybe Ellie and Susan were conspiring to win the award for best biscuits at the Eagle State bake-off. Carlos shot that theory down. Besides, Gaby was a fashion model in the ’90s. If there’s anyone who can sniff out (or snort) drugs, it’s Gaby. (Plus, Bree won that bake-off ten years in a row, so it got called off altogether.)

It’s a shame Ellie met the Solises around the same time they decided to become law-abiding citizens. The two went to turn in their new best friend to the authorities but found out they’d be harboring the criminal for a little while longer. It seemed like a good deal; Carlos would be off probation if they feigned ignorance of Ellie’s drug dealing until the cops caught her supplier. Luckily, Carlos couldn’t see Gaby’s face — she looked torn between taking the deal and running home to warn her new roomie. Given Gaby’s rather, uh, abrasive personality, I doubt she makes new friends very often. And I’m positive no one has ever given her flowers for being nice. Nice and Gaby have probably never even come up in the same sentence, unless it went something like ”It’d be nice if Gaby would stop acting like such a bitch.” Something tells me that Gaby might just take her chances with the law and — Carlos’ record be damned — warn Ellie that the cops are hot on her powdery white trail.

If Ellie does end up in the slammer, it’s entirely possible she’ll be sharing a cell with Lynette Scavo. Lynette thought she was paying Dr. Dolan 140 bucks an hour to exorcise the devil from the depths of Kayla’s conniving soul. Unfortunately, she was paying him to be the demon spawn’s ally and alibi. I’ve been holding out the tiniest sliver of hope that Lynette and Kayla might reconcile; after all, didn’t Kayla run into Lynette’s arms, lovingly crying, ”Mom!” when the two were reunited after the tornado? But all hope seemed shattered last night, with the smack heard round the mall.

Mary Alice wasted all her time giving an insufferable play-by-play of Tuesday afternoon’s ”incident” between Bree and Edie, when she should have been focusing her attention on the real showdown between a horrified mother and a stunned little girl. I thought Dr. Dolan was right, Lynette has been acting ambivalent toward Kayla, and maybe she is partly to blame for Kayla’s acting out. That’s a big maybe. But there’s a huge difference between misbehaving and, you know, threatening your half sister and trying to kill your half brother. ”I got that idiot Preston to jump off the roof,” said Kayla. ”I wonder what I can get Penny to do.” That’s when I would have gotten Kayla that corndog and shoved it down her throat.

NEXT: Edie gets the silent treatment

I know that plenty of people would argue that hitting disobedient kids teaches them that violence is acceptable. But Kayla doesn’t fall under the category of disobedient kid; she’s something far, far worse. Lynette might have snapped, but Kayla deserved to be smacked. In my opinion, Tom deserved a good shot in the kisser as well for siding with his abominable daughter. The Lynette vs. Kayla story line is reminiscent of Andrew vs. Bree back in the day, but those two were able to work things out. It will be awfully hard to provide some attachment parenting if Lynette’s in jail. Maybe that’s what Kayla wanted to get Nora for Mother’s Day: Lynette incarcerated.

Edie and Bree could have used some foam bats last night. Instead, the ”puritanical robot bitch” decided to sabotage Edie’s real estate deals, which reminded me that Edie does in fact have a job besides jogging around the block in tight spandex on the prowl for potential husbands. Edie, who has a knack for stumbling upon evidence (see: offshore-bank-account papers), found Orson’s little memoir, The Lies of a Desperate Grandmother. Bree and Edie were both acting like immature nitwits. Let’s do a Mary Alice play-by-play, shall we? Bree accused Edie of seducing Orson, when she was the one who asked Edie to get him off her property. Edie responded by seducing Orson, even though she clearly thinks he’s gay. Bree retaliated by ruining Edie’s job prospects. Edie responded by trying to blackmail Bree into being nice to her. The whole gang convened and sentenced Edie to be ostracized from the popular group. The lesson? Anger can turn anyone back into an immature sixth grader.

Edie and the other women of Wisteria Lane have never been friends. In fact, they’ve all pretty much ignored Edie, give or take a few snide remarks about Edie being a sexual predator and a slut. The battle lines were drawn long ago, so why the women decided to go all middle school on Edie now is beyond me, and perhaps beyond overdue. When the mandates of their new relationship were laid out — no poker, no talking, no waving — I had to wonder, since when do they invite Edie to poker in the first place? When do they talk to her? It’s more likely they give her the finger, rather than a polite wave, when she runs by. Perhaps saddest of all, Edie thought her only way into the housewife clique was to effectively force Bree to love her though banana-nut blackmail.

Edie took off in her convertible, but I doubt she’ll be gone long. Though, if I saw Bree, Susan, Lynette, and Gaby strutting down the street, targeting me, I’d probably be gone for good. Had those four been around, they might have ended the ”War of Northern Aggression” with a good old fashioned stare-down/silent treatment.

Edie might not be the only one skipping town. Dylan finally saw Wayne’s true colors, black and blue, and will likely be uninviting him to senior recital and canceling their creepy dinner dates. And, in yet another twist to the Mayfair mystery, Dylan isn’t related to Wayne, and may or may not be related to Katherine, whose admitted promiscuity makes the identify of Dylan’s real father even more ambiguous. Did you get all that? Because I didn’t. Hopefully we’ll get some answers next week. If not answers, at least some Nathan Fillion.

What do you think? Did Kayla deserve to get slapped? Should Edie have been ostracized? What’s your theory on the Mayfair mystery? I’m spoiler free, and we’re in the homestretch, so if you’ve got inside information, keep it to yourself. Or I’ll smack ya.

Desperate Housewives (TV Show)
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