Desperate Housewives recap: Home Invasions
Wayne was creepy, and Edie was conniving, but my God, Kayla must have fallen straight out of The Village of the Damned. Wisteria Lane has had its fair share of wack jobs, but after this episode of Desperate Housewives, Kayla Scavo takes the cake. She might be the smartest, most sinister villain this show has ever seen, and she’s only, what, 13? Kudos to Rachel Fox. As long as I’m giving out awards, Karl wins the title of worst ex-husband; Preston gets a gold star for most creative use of an umbrella; and Lee and Bob get honorable mentions for best appearances by characters I never thought I’d see again. It was close, but they lost. Congratulations to…Toby, the cat! As for the title of housewife with the most dysfunctional home, it’s still too close to call.
At the Scavos’, Zip and Zap were learning a little bit about crime and punishment. A dose of boot camp and bad acting for the red-headed duo. But you can’t blame them for their shortcomings — they’re just young boys, which was Lynette’s argument for why they didn’t need therapy. Actually, I thought therapy was an excellent idea. Not just for the twins but also for Lynette and Tom. Heck, it wouldn’t hurt the whole fam to go stare at some Rorschach ink blots until they started sharing feelings. Infidelity. Natural disaster. Arson. Disease. Murder. Mommy issues. Daddy issues. They could make one lucky therapist a millionaire. Even if Kayla hadn’t egged them on, the twins could have easily learned their destructive behavior from their own father. Hey, Tom, let he who is without sin cast the first brick (through thy neighbor’s restaurant window). Tom should have been doing lawn work right alongside his sons.
But as it turned out, Daft and Dim-witted hadn’t acted alone. Their original plan had some kinks — they needed to find dynamite, set a trap for Rick, and then blow him up. Kayla had a much more effective plan that wasn’t inspired by Wile E. Coyote. ”No one has dynamite in their house,” Kayla told Lynette. (Sure about that Kayla? Considering the people living on the block…) ”But everyone has matches.” She grinned. Lynette’s reaction mirrored my own; she was justifiably horrified. Goodbye, Miley Cyrus; hello, Damien Thorn.
As Lynette pointed out, there are no books on disciplining children who’ve committed arson. (She’s right. There aren’t. My mom looked for some when my brother set the house on fire.) But there must be a few books about setting a good example for your children, illegitimate children included. Lynette and Tom should sit down and read these books. Or just watch a few episodes of Sesame Street with Penny. This way they’d learn that honesty is the best policy. Kayla was right, even if she was just being a scheming, blackmailing little brat so she’d get out of therapy: ”If I have to talk to the shrink, I have to talk to the cops.” Kayla may have persuaded Preston to jump off the roof, but Lynette might as well have jumped off right behind her son when she let Kayla start calling the shots. I guess we know who controls the Scavo household, and it’s one scary tween who probably started the fire by shooting laser beams of evil from her cold blue eyes.
NEXT: Edie takes in Orson
It was Edie’s seductive glances that put an even bigger rift between Bree and Orson. While Bree was at home deciding what to do with a pewter cat, Edie, the neighborhood cougar, was making moves on the latest man to be ostracized on the block. Bree’s speech to Orson about moral courage didn’t sit well with me, and neither did her request that Orson turn himself in to the police. Not that Orson shouldn’t turn himself in, and maybe share a cell with the entire Scavo family, but in the spirit of truth telling, shouldn’t Andrew turn himself in for plowing down Old Lady Solis? Moral indignation carries a lot less weight when it’s coming from a woman who abandoned her son on the side of the road, faked a pregnancy, poisoned an ex-lover, and sat around counting to ten Mississippi while her husband had a heart attack.
Regardless, Orson couldn’t see the point in coming clean and, instead, got drunk, threw himself around Bree’s waist, and asked if he could go to the police with a fabricated story about sleep driving. A hit and snooze. Besides, the apartment house sucked — the other divorced guys were starting a book club. Things were bleak. And who should drive up when Bree turned the poor sap down? Edie. On the prowl. Not so much a hit-and-run as it was a hit-on-your-neighbor’s-husband and run-away-with-him. Sorry, I couldn’t help myself.
Orson couldn’t help himself either and, following the path of many men before him, fell right into Edie’s arms. Edie’s insinuations that Orson is gay were hilarious, as was her comment to Bree about possibly sleeping with him. ”That would be like having sex with PBS.” Ha! Women of Wisteria, beware: Edie loves to pick at leftovers, but this time, it was purely to piss off Bree, who practically shoved Orson into Edie’s convertible and then showed up at Edie’s house crying slut. Will Orson ditch the wholesome Ken act and turn into a martini-mixing playboy after some coaxing from Edie? Only more couch time in Edie’s den of deception and desperate love will tell. While Orson and Bree’s marriage might make the perfect PBS documentary, it’ll be interesting to see Orson change channels and try something a little edgier. HBO? Cinemax? Some X-rated On Demand?
Bree may have been too ladylike to actually call someone a slut, and instead skirted the word by giving a succinct recap of Edie’s past sexcapades. Three exes? Shouldn’t Bree and Katherine draft some kind of proposal to have Edie put under neighborhood watch? But Gaby was not above name calling last night. Gaby calls it like she sees it, even if she’s sometimes as blind as her own husband. Her ”useless” husband. Sometimes I wonder if those two love each other, or if they just love to hate each other. Either way, the more they seem to hate one each other, the more I love them. Add ”useless” and ”tramp” to their long list of terms of endearment.
NEXT: The missing gay couple returns
After the Swedish body builder was felt up and turned down while applying to move into Hotel Solis, Ellie showed up. The skinny on Ellie: She’s an art student, who is really a tattooist, who is really a drug dealer. I never bought that she was an art student who enjoyed painting fruit, but I was hoping for something a little less sinister than drug dealing. I thought maybe she liked to paint fruit that happened to be sitting next to nude male models. In any case, Gaby wasn’t about to let some random stranger swoop in and claim her role of household tramp. And who better than to ”out” the new girl than the neighborhood gays!
It’s been weeks and a writers’ strike since we last saw Bob and Lee, and with their colorful attire tonight, I bet even Bree could have spotted them from atop Moral Mountain. A couple important things we learned about Bob and Lee: If you think the stranger living in your house is possibly a hooker, hire Bob and Lee to run the covert sting, and they will happily get that hooker out of your house. If you’re currently casting for the role of Tony in West Side Story, Lee is your man; he’s gotten rave reviews in the past, from critics and presumably from the members of the cast he’s slept with. Oh, I almost forgot, Lee is also available if you’re looking to start a Wham! cover band. Unfortunately, if you’re looking for protection, Lee tends to curl up in the fetal position and cry when threatened physically. So look elsewhere.
After Operation Solis-itation was aborted, and Gaby’s offer of margaritas for all was rejected by everyone except me, Ellie confronted her landlord: ”Dude, you just told your neighbor I’m a whore!” I liked Ellie, even if she is a lying drug dealer. Maybe it’s because I like Justine Bateman. But it could also be because she was a far more likable lying drug dealer than previous lying drug dealers on the show. Or the only other lying drug dealer, Mike Delfino.
NEXT: Is Mike a goner?
Mike Delfino is becoming more likable with each passing week, which worries me greatly. Why, you ask? Well, if I’m not mistaken, there’s a season finale approaching, and it’s been a while since a housewife’s husband bit the dust. I just always assume someone will die every season on every drama, if only so ABC can run those annoyingly intriguing ”Someone. Will. Die.” promos. You know, the ones with characters’ faces flashing dramatically to echoing thuds of doom. The montages with one random secondary character who appears for a millisecond and who will probably be the one to kick it but who you wouldn’t catch unless you obsessively watched the promo in slo-mo, as I so often tend to do. Back to the point: Mike has become a very likable character, one of the only characters who seem to have a moral compass not pointing directly into the depths of hell. As Karl pointed out when he finally took a breather from being an arrogant jerk, Mike seems to be a reliable guy who finally has his priorities straight. Now it’s up to Susan to give the guy a break. Or at the very least stop goading her husband to lie to everyone about his past, and then worry he might start lying again to her. For God’s sake, Susan, put the chimichanga down and show your reformed husband some support.
Karl’s been busy since his ”185 pounds of ugly fat” were ”sucked out” of Susan’s house. He married a beautiful law professor. Or ”he got his scank pregnant.” Of course, Lamaze class morphed into a competition: Who has the better life post-divorce? Karl showed up with a young blonde, while Susan showed up with drippy Mexican takeout. Karl made partner at his firm; Mike made it through 30 days sober. Karl married a nice, polite woman who writes books that sell; Mike married Susan, who gets dolled up in a leopard-print number that no woman should ever wear, fat or skinny, young or old, pregnant or not, to prove to her ex-husband she’s got it all. Both Karl and Susan were being ridiculously immature, but they were entirely convincing as a couple with a long, ugly history. Karl might just be the most terrible man in all of Eagle State, calling a pregnant woman fat and old. Even worse was when he saw Mike and yelled, ”Hey, plumber!” Karl’s an ass, but a funny one.
Despite Mary Alice’s warnings about letting strangers into your house, Dylan was as pleased as punch to invite her creepy dad back home. After getting some Alias-style spy tips from Bree, Katherine finally discovered that her daughter’s new ”boyfriend” was actually a 40-something wife beater formerly known as her husband. When Wayne finally confronted Katherine and called her ”Kathy,” I was hoping that she’d kill him right then and there. She couldn’t, unfortunately, because out of all the people on Wisteria Lane who should go to the cops, Dylan is the only one who would actually go and squeal on her own mother. While I’ve been looking forward to Carlos’ regaining his sight, I’m more than ready for Dylan to open her own eyes and see Wayne for what he really is. A bottom-feeding, scum-sucking creepster.
So, which showdown are you most looking forward to on Housewives? Lynette vs. Kayla, Katherine vs. Wayne, or Bree vs. Edie? Out of all the housewives, which one should drag her husband to some much needed couple’s therapy? Most important, were you happier to see the return of Karl, the gay neighbors, or Toby the cat?