On ''Desperate Housewives,'' Mike rescues Susan and Ian from possible death by drowning; plus Carlos and Edie and Gaby and Lang stop flirting

By Karen Leigh
Updated April 16, 2007 at 04:00 AM EDT
Teri Hatcher, Desperate Housewives

Desperate Housewives

”Desperate Housewives”: Passionate moves

It’s a sad, sad night on Wisteria Lane when the most interesting note I scribbled during the episode reads, ”Edie’s son gets her a beer, and she calls him ‘Chipmunk.’ ” Tonight seemed a particularly, erm, desperate attempt to squeeze in as much T&A as possible — which in Cherry World means gratuitous shots of Teri Hatcher’s thighs and Eva Longoria rocking tight tracksuits.

We kicked off with Mary Alice discussing the lonely people of this world and their propensity to do things like argue with the television. Which is ironic since she herself spends an hour per week speaking to viewers she doesn’t know. Anyway. To Casa de Britt, where Edie and Carlos, despite mutual passion, have just had the Worst. Sex. Ever. As they both made up their minds to never again see each other naked, we suspected they’d be capping off the episode with amazingly hot sex on some uncomfortable piece of furniture. And we were right.

Tom officially won the Uniform War, as the strangely acquiescent Lynette strolled Scavo Manor in her hideous traffic cone of a T-shirt. Way to be a doormat, Lyn. Tom was lying on some twin bed in the living room (sleeping on your bed in your actual bedroom is so passé, gang), obsessing over how Scavo’s was going to find an assistant manager well qualified enough to, um, stop Andrew from coupling with the beer-delivery guy during work hours. Maybe no one with a decent résumé wants to wear a fluorescent orange shirt all day — something which didn’t occur to the suddenly whiny, adolescent Tom. (”I want my pie!”) Then along came a former cocaine addict to save the day. In the old days, wouldn’t it have been Lynette who was terrified about having an ex-druggie around her family, and Tom who would have been telling her to lighten up?

Over at Edie’s, there was some massively uncomfortable sex talk between mother and son after he’d poured her breakfast beer. (”I tipped the glass just like you told me to.” Hee.) After he reported overhearing Carlos say that she was ”bad in bed,” Edie inexplicably felt the need to justify her sexual prowess to her young child while giving a G-rated explanation for the phrase. (”No one ‘makes a bed’ as good as your mommy.”) After Chipmunk topped off her breakfast, we were on to a standard-issue Farmers’ Market, U.S.A. (complete with a convenient pile of citrus where two dueling male leads can awkwardly out-passive-aggressive each other.) On the drive home, Susan swerved to avoid hitting a deer (at this point, it would be cliché of me to use the word cliché) and drove her SUV into a lake. Why do so many mishaps on this show involve cars? Andrew killing Mrs. Solis, Orson mowing down Mike…

To commercial. Wow, that was one strong whale, to bat that huge Pepsi beach ball all the way up to those weird people on the cliff. And how scary were the Caress Fairytales?

Back to the pond, where Susan and Ian briefly suspended all of this show’s credibility by escaping from their submerged car in ten shades flat, with nary a scratch. It was here, in this tiny, still duck pond, that Ian revealed he could not swim, even though he had attended summer camp. (”I stayed in the canoe! Let it go!”) They were practically in a kiddie pool but both thought they were going to die. Then Susan saw someone yonder thar, on the shore, a whopping ten feet away. Shocker, it was a beautifully muscled Delfino. He jumped in and power-paddled like Susan was dying, even though she was still holding onto that large floating SUV. Mike dragged a totally emasculated Ian to safety, and hope slipped away for the whimpering Brit. (But don’t worry, Ian — you can always be my wife.)

At Gabrielle’s house, skinny soul mates Susan, Gaby, and Edie nibbled tortilla chips while trying to figure out how to get Lang to call Gaby now that she had slept with him (their first time was in a car? Again, cliché alert) and lost the upper hand. By making out with her handyman in the front row at Lang’s mayoral debate, she got him jealous enough that he stormed over with a bouquet and professed a stalkerlike love for her. Predictably, she swooned.

Meanwhile, midnight snacker Susan was being called a ”cheddar-breathed tease” by her British beloved. (Dear Ian, Saying that a woman has halitosis or pointing out the fact that she’s eating too much is not the way to seduce her. Nor is it the right way to beat the hunky plumber for her affections. Love, Karen.) Later, she was busy making overtures of her own — but a totally rattled (by his watery brush with death, no doubt) and envious Ian was having none of it. She ended up hoofing it to Mike’s with a thank-you present for, um, saving her life. It was an electronic juicer (dirty!), and I guess Mike really needed one, because he was so grateful he gave her a big ol’ smooch. It must have been good because by the time she got back to her house, she was still touching her lips. And of course, there was Ian, ready to kiss and make up.

We end tonight with a little scorecard. After weeks of playing games, Gabrielle and Lang finally have passion. Susan has passion with both Ian and Mike. Edie and Carlos finally, finally made good on their passion. And since Lynette wouldn’t service her husband and he couldn’t bow at the waist, the Scavos, once again, have no passion.

A few questions for those who still have brain cells left after this mind-numbing episode. Will Susan really ditch Mike and move to London with Ian? Will Edie, Carlos, and Travers really play happy family? And how cold was it of Mrs. McCluskey to stash her husband’s body in the freezer?

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Desperate Housewives

Eva Longoria Parker, Teri Hatcher, Marcia Cross, and Felicity Huffman star in the soap set on the dangerous Wisteria Lane

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