Unicorns at Woodstock, minotaurs in Paris, giant octopi in Japan — Legends sells countless zany ideas to us every season, and for the most part, I buy them all at face value. The show’s built on wonky time-travel rules, and its greatest fantastical creation — Voltron’ed Beebo — remains the zenith of Legends‘ creativity. The show can do whatever it wants with timey-wimey nonsense; I’ll almost always be on board.
“Legends of To-Meow-Meow,” however, screwed with character rules. As fun as the spoofs were, each of the realities made too little sense and only came off as gimmicks in the end. Look at it this way: If Sara really were to lose three Legends in one fell swoop, would she — a character we’ve seen in times of grief — ever actually rally Gideon and Ava into joining her as leather-wearing, butt-kicking, Charlie’s Angels knockoffs? Or is this the show simply using the idea of bending realities as an excuse to force its characters into meme-able, gif-able situations?
I know it’s a cynical take, but I’m just disappointed: This episode had so much potential to be the “Here I Go Again” of season 4 for Charlie and Constantine, but squandered it all on a few visual gags. Those sequences must have been fun to film, but they did very little for the plot, and in fact, distracted from the emotional power of Charlie and Constantine’s growth.
Well, at least Zari the cat was adorable. (And “To-Meow-Meow” remains an impeccable pun.) Charlie thinks so, too, at the top of the episode, when she cuddles up to Zari and tells her they’re heading to somewhere fabulous, which turns out to be Las Vegas in 1962. Charlie shape-shifts into Marilyn Monroe (because why not) to warn her fellow escapee, a leprechaun, to hold back his magic and help her also stay off the Legends’ radar. Unfortunately, she’s too late: The Legends — or rather, only Ray, Mick, and Nate — arrive, guns drawn, and shoot the leprechaun immediately in the chest.
Charlie’s baffled by Ray’s trigger finger, and the episode fills in the blanks by playing the opening credits of Custodians of Chronology, a spoof of The A-Team, complete with Mick winking at the camera while standing across from Garima and Nate wielding a crossbow while trying to impress some ladies. Back on the Waverider, the trio learns from an upgraded, skimpily clothed Gideon that they’ve missed calls from Barry, Oliver, and Kara. “Sounds like the annual crossover,” Ray quips in what might be Legends‘ most meta moment ever.
Charlie and Zari return to the ship and learn that the Legends have now adopted a new policy of shooting magical beings on sight, so Charlie shape-shifts into Sara and tries to talk the team into reversing the rule. Sara, though, was the wrong choice: The boys reveal that Sara died and that they’re on the hunt for an elusive shapeshifter, and now they’ve got her. Garima stabs Charlie, but Charlie heals and manages to run away with Zari in time to use the jump ship and head to the Time Bureau to find Constantine and figure out what’s going on.
There, Charlie spots a memorial honoring Sara, who died by unicorn in Woodstock, before locating John in confinement, going slowly insane over being able to see the original reality and this new one at the same time. John transforms Zari back into her human form, and Zari explains that they have to return to New Orleans and undo whatever John did to make this happen. Charlie and John both refuse this idea: For Charlie, it would mean losing her powers again, and for John, it would mean un-saving Desmond. So the two transform Zari back into a cat and attempt a prison escape — only to run into Mona, now no longer bleeding from her kaupe attack.
Mona helps the trio escape, but when the Custodians arrive, they’re forced to hide in Ava’s office, where they find Ava in full mourning mode, with black hair and a black hoodie to match. They recruit Ava into helping them make their way out so they can save Sara, and soon, everyone’s fighting in the halls of the Time Bureau. John, Charlie, and Zari make it out, leaving chaos in their wake. “Did they really just all kill each other?” John wonders. “Don’t think about it,” Charlie replies.
It’s a good strategy, considering they’ve got many more calamities to get through before fixing reality. Their first attempt to fix things — by saving Sara in Woodstock — works to save Sara, but Zari remains a cat, and at the Bureau, there are now memorials for the men of the Legends. Now, only Sara has survived, and without Zari around, she’s convinced Ava and Gideon into joining her on missions, this time as part of a pose-happy girl gang called the “Sirens of Space-Time.” They report to Hank, have cool code names, and like firing guns. It’s Charlie’s Angels — only Legends‘ very own Charlie can’t seem to infiltrate them. She tries at first, but Gideon — sorry, “Hard Drive” — sees through the act, and just like the Custodians, the Sirens attempt to kill Charlie, no questions ask.
Charlie escapes, but not before learning that the men perished because of the fairy godmother in Salem. And so, she, John, and Zari head to 1692 and save the men — only to discover that Zari is now a puppet. Welp. See the pattern?
Next: Back to square one