Thanks to help from his Fairy Godmother, Gary forces the Legends into a useless mission—when they should be trying to stop Neron and save Ray.
What does it mean to be a Legend? For Gary Green, it means being apart of something bigger, a member of the gang, one of the cool kids—like he was never able to be in high school. While Demon-Nipple Gary was power hungry and only wanted to control people. Fairy-Godmother-powered Gary just wants to enjoy life with his friends.
Ruling the Time Bureau with her beloved Neron, Fairy Godmother just wants Gary to send the Legends to hell. She attempts every trick in the book to get him to make wishes that destroy them. But instead, he forces them to endure book club and go on a Great British Bake Off timeline anachronism hunt. All of this is great fun for Gary—and no one else. In fact, his wish escapades create bigger and bigger problems as the episode goes on.
While Gary is getting massages and enjoying his third nipple (never hurts to have an extra, right?), Demon Ray is posing as Ray Palmer, former CEO of Palmer Tech. He is making a worldwide announcement to reveal that monsters are real. He hopes to scare people into downloading his app, The Eyes. To prove he’s not just off his rocker, he brings along Mona and makes her wolf-out in front of a live and live-streaming audience.
Wolf Mona tries to fight off Neron’s bodyguards but ends up hurting herself. Zari, Nate, Charlie, and Mick are at Ne-Ray’s big announcement, but when Gary summons Nate and Mick for his Waverider adventure, Zari and Charlie are left alone. They try to help, but Zari is called out as a witch and they must flee.
Back at HQ, Ne-Ray is mad that only 2,000 people have downloaded the app. He realizes Mona’s display wasn’t enough, so he plans a monster attack on the capitol. He’s tired of Nora, who he made appear by his side at the reveal thanks to the FG’s help. Ne-Ray tells the FG to put Nora in a containment cell. She then surprises Nora by placing her in Mona’s containment cell. The Fairy Godmother says they’re both witches and maybe they can help one another out.
Zari takes Charlie to her childhood home to regroup. There they dig into The Eyes App and realize it’s just a way for Neron to steal lots of souls at once (thanks to an incredibly long Terms of Service, which no one ever reads). The duo could use the help of the Legends right now, but they’re a bit tied up with Gary drama at the moment.
Gary realizes the crew is just playing along with him—they’re not actually enjoying themselves. He tells the Legends he knows that Tabitha is just trying to hurt them through his wishes, but all he wanted was to be treated like a friend, not a joke. So he calls his Fairy Godmother back so she can turn Mick into a baby, Nate into a nerd and Sara and Ava into dancing machines.
Charlie and Zari (minus the dragon’s egg they accidentally left at Zari’s childhood home), take on the Bureau alone. The plan is for Charlie to shapeshift enough times that they’re able to sneak out all the magical creatures, so Ne-Ray has no proof to scare people into believing in monsters.
Back on the Waverider, Nate tells Gary that he’s just being cruel. Finally feeling guilty, he calls his Fairy Godmother to call everything off. After Ava apologizes for taking Gary for granted, Sara points out what it really means to be a Legend: Rip started this ragtag team with people who were insignificant to history, a.k.a. losers. They can make a difference because people discount them. And that is why Gary is one of them. He’s a loser, just like them.
So forget the mushy stuff. Moving back to the action: Mona is just waking up with Nora by her side, but she’s not doing well. Nora has no other option than to call the Fairy Godmother. The FG says that if Nora will take her wand, she can become the fairy godmother and can save Mona if only she asks for it. Mona tries to stop her, but Nora takes the wand and transforms into a blue fairy. When she tries to save Mona, nothing happens. Tabitha laughs and says she took on her old charge: Gary.
Soon Charlie’s shape-shifting ways catch up to her and Neron figures out her plan. The only option is for her to open up a portal to the Waverider and send all the monsters through it. She, Zari, and Mona are about to leave when Ne-Ray and Tabitha show up. Charlie stays behind so Zari can get Mona through to safety.
As an act of goodwill, Gary tries to send the Fairy Godmother to hell to help Constantine rescue Ray, but he unwittingly sends Nora. “Gary, you dick…” she says as she gets sucked into hell.
Meanwhile in hell…
Our demon hunter doesn’t last long before a demon wants to kill him. John tries to call a parley—which I’m sure we all understand thanks to Pirates of the Caribbean—with the triumvirate. The demon, who is not a pirate, isn’t into it, but when we meet the triumvirate, you can see why he gives in.
Constantine pleads his case before Satan, Belial, and Beelzebub. Essentially he tattles on Neron and says he can help take him out so they don’t have to get their hands dirty, if he can just have Ray Palmer and go on his way back to Earth. The three say they’re surprised he didn’t choose another … Astra.
Now, I did not watch Constantine on NBC, but putting together bits and pieces from the past couple seasons of Legends and reading fan wikis gave me enough context to understand that John sentenced this child to hell and has felt incredibly bad about it.
Ray Palmer may have perfect floppy hair and the best babyface in every possible timeline, but when it comes between saving him or an innocent young girl from hell—well, there’s just no choice for John Constantine. He chooses Astra. And, well, to quote that knight from Indiana Jones, He chose poorly. Astra is not an innocent young girl anymore. She’s a grown-up woman who’s spent a significant amount of time in hell and likes it there. And since his pick doesn’t want to go with him to Earth, that means the triumvirate can keep him in hell and torture him. Forever.
Fairy Godmother Nora, please get to work. There are a lot of loose ends going into the finale. What are they going to do with the “demented Noah’s ark” on the Waverider? Will they be able to save Ray? How can they stop Nero? Will Nora get out of being a fairy godmother? What is young Zari going to do with that dragon’s egg? And, most importantly, will Beebo be able to help at all? I can’t wait to find out. Until next time, losers.