Legends of Tomorrow
Credit: Jack Rowand/The CW
Guest Starring John Noble

Only a special show like Legends of Tomorrow could strand half of its characters in the Donner Pass (yes, THE Donner Pass) and have it be the least worrisome storyline of the episode. Now, that’s not to say the Waverider crew had it easy—because these are some dark times in the Demon Ray timeline of LoT season 4. But like usual, they came together and found their way out of it … for now. Let’s get into it.

So, yes, Donner Pass. That’s where Demon Ray (a.k.a. Neron in Ray’s body) takes Constantine after fleeing the Waverider. The Big Bad wants “Johnny” to help him open a doorway to hell to get his beloved Tabitha back. On the ship, they’ve predicted that Demon Ray must need Constantine alive for something. Gideon is able to lock in on their location when Constantine does magic, and just like that, the Waverider shows up in the Ice Age.

Constantine tells Sara to blow them up, that Ray is gone and this is the only chance they’ll have to take out the demon Neron. Sara hesitates, but Mick doesn’t. He tells Gideon to fire just as Demon Ray spirits away with Constantine and leaves the Waverider under 357 feet of ice and snow due to the avalanche the blasts caused. So they’re buried under … in Donner Pass … but Mick won’t let anyone turn him into “beef jerky.” They try to hail Time Bureau HQ, but with no answer and limited fuel, they have to run on power reserve.

Things aren’t going well at headquarters either. Gary’s nipple has returned with a vengeance, literally. He’s somehow finagled Ava into letting him conduct performance reviews. Mona notices quickly that something is wrong as everyone keeps reciting “Gary Green is all the man we need.” (I hope someday Gary can run for office and use that amazing slogan.) Mona voices her concerns to Nora and they start to investigate separately. New girls, just FYI: “Separately” is never a good idea on this show.

Demon Ray takes Constantine to a Celtic Village in 55 B.C.E. At first, he says it’s to teach him how to wield his magic from someone more powerful—a king that has the same face as Constantine—but then Constantine realizes Neron just wants him to see how his own bloodline created the rift between humans and magical creatures. John watches as his ancestor scares his village with an “evil” puca, an animal that is just scared, not scary.

Constantine confronts the king, but instead of enlightening his long-lost relative, he finds himself imprisoned and awaiting a trip to hell himself. The demonologist doesn’t mind though; he tells Demon Ray that he’s ready for hell. But DR points out that the blameless puca will be going with him, and that there are many people (his own Tabitha included) that don’t belong there. And many of those people who don’t belong there were sent by Constantine himself.

Back on the Waverider, Zari and Nate have sex while incubating a dragon egg—because, of course they do!—and Sara and Mick argue over whose fault it is they’re buried in. Luckily Charlie breaks the ice, err not literally, and the two make up. They decide to dig up ideas in Ray’s room, where they find a Cards of Humanity-style game called Cards to Save the Timeline (WB merch people, I will 100% buy this game if you make it IRL) and a Ray Palmer Survival Guide. After reading what to do if there’s an avalanche, Sara realizes they’ve tried everything Ray lists except for one: “If all else fails, remember you still have each other so enjoy that as long as it lasts.”

Sara decides to take Ray’s advice. She fires up the ship on full power so they can eat s’mores and drink hot chocolate and play Cards to Save the Timeline. Gideon thinks it’s a waste, but that “wasted” energy ends up heating the ice around them and helping them break loose. It’s just like the Legends to do something dumb and have it work out, you know.

At HQ, Nora tells Mona she definitely thinks something is wrong… and then traps her in a holding cell. Mona exclaims she doesn’t want to die alone when her Kaupe side comes out and tells her she isn’t. She takes her Wolfie alter-ego into Gary’s office, where she sees what he’s really been doing. HYPNOTIZING PEOPLE WITH HIS NIPPLE, WHICH HAS AN EYEBALL UNDERNEATH. I would just like to thank this show for creating the term “nyp-notizing” and permanently cementing that vision of a nipple eyeball into my brain forever and ever.

Anyway, when Mona wolfs out, Ava and Nora come in to help their beloved Gary Green but are knocked out of their nip-notism by Wolf Mona. She explains the nipple situation and takes care of it by BITING IT OFF. Shudder.

King Konstantin (I have no proof, but I just imagine he spells it this way) is opening a portal to hell back at Stonehenge because that’s apparently what one does at Stonehenge. John is ready to accept his fate but feels bad for the puca, so he uses his own magic to do a counter-portal. John frees the puca, chops off his ancestor’s hand, and then fights Demon Ray.

Sara is able to break the Waverider out of the ice and make her way to Stonehenge just in time. John is about to kill Demon Ray when Mick shouts out, “Don’t give up on haircut.” John says he’s going to save Ray and jumps into hell. Demon Ray uses the opportunity to pull his beloved Tabitha out of hell.

It’s the Fairy Godmother, I kid you not. Neron’s beloved, Tabitha, is the Fairy Godmother. Then Ray Palmer’s face makes out with the Fairy Godmother. I have now seen everything. Even hell. Because before the episode ends, we see John Constantine fall into a dumpster in the worst place imaginable.

Legends, you better buckle up because if the road to saving Ray begins with nipple eyeballs and grandma makeout sessions, I can only imagine where it goes from here.

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