Eric McCandless/ABC
October 15, 2018 at 11:57 PM EDT

Mary Lou Retton and Sasha Farber with Nastia Liukin
Charleston, “V.E.S.P.A.” by Dimie Cat
Please can we never watch Mary Lou Retton crying again? It’s heart-breaking! When Mary Lou cries, the world cries with her. She’s upset because the Charleston is incredibly fast, and she’s not picking it up easily. She feels like she’s letting down Sasha and their trio partner, Olympic gymnast and season 20 contestant Nastia Liukin. Both Sasha and Nastia are like, YOU COULD NEVER LET US DOWN. America is like that, too. Anyway, it seems she’s picked up the steps because she nails this Italian Riviera, old Hollywood glam Charleston. It’s so fun! And light! And my face hurts from smiling. Len wanted more swivel in the Charleston section, but otherwise the routine earns rave reviews. See? No reason to cry at all.
Judges’ Score: 26/30

Milo Manheim and Witney Carson with Riker Lynch
Salsa, “Adrenalina” by Wisin featuring Jennifer Lopez & Ricky Martin
Oh, hi. Just over here trying to catch my breath after the insanely fast salsa Milo, Witney, and season 20’s runner-up Riker Lynch just laid out on the dance floor. I mean, I didn’t move from my couch, and still, that was a lot of work. These three work so well together—Riker (I miss Allison Holker on this show!) is a great addition for Milo, who attributes his renewed determination to having to keep up with his teammate. The judges praise how incredibly in sync Milo and Riker are, how well Milo hit all the nuances in Witney’s fab choreography, and all the energy they just left on the dance floor. This is the routine I’ll be re-watching this week. Anyone else?
Judges’ Score: 29/30

Joe Amabile and Jenna Johnson with Jordan Kimball
Salsa, “I’m Too Sexy” by Right Said Fred
When I heard Joe’s trio partner would be another Bachelorette contestant, I knew. When I heard they’d be dancing to “I’m Too Sexy,” I knew. Yet still, I had no idea. You guys, I literally get paid to watch this show and I had to look away during this “garage worker strip show” salsa. The judges struggle to say much more than things along the line of “I have nothing to say” or “Jenna, bless you for having to deal with this.” Okay, actually Bruno asks if that routine was “Magic Mike or Tragic Mike” and I’d like that on a T-shirt. All I truly know is that if there is any goodness in this world, someone, somewhere, would have been turning on Dancing With the Stars for the first time ever at the exact moment they cut to a bumper consisting of Gleb and Val taking showers in overalls. Welcome to Dancing With the Stars!
Judges’ Score: 15/30

Alexis Ren and Alan Bersten with Maddie Ziegler
Tango, “Move Your Body” by Sia
It takes some guts to dance next to Maddie Ziegler in your trio routine, but Alexis gives it a whirl anyway. Alan’s choreography is sexy and cool — the girls give him a hard time in rehearsals for being a taskmaster, but, the guy is a pro for a reason. Lay off Alan, is what I’m saying! Carrie Ann doesn’t find the tango to be as successful as others might — she feels like they were never truly dancing as a cohesive unit, especially when in hold. Len, too, had some problems with portions that were in hold — Alexis’s frame isn’t up to snuff according to the Head Judge. But Bruno fell for the whole thing. He loved the addition of paso choreography and thought the entire thing had a sophistication to it that he enjoyed. Overall, the risk was worth taking, apparently.
Judges’ Score: 25/30

Bobby Bones and Sharna Burgess with Lindsey Stirling
Cha Cha, “U Can’t Touch This” by MC Hammer
I was still recovering from that striptease salsa thing we had to endure when I realized I’d be watching Bobby Bones and Lindsey Stirling (season 25’s runner-up) dancing to MC Hammer. Let it sink in and wash over all of you. Bobby is still having the time of his life and living out actual dreams — to do real Hammer moves on live television? He can cross it off his bucket list. The judges love his enthusiasm, but again, want to see improvement in technique. He’s a true entertainer, now they need some finesse. He’ll work on the finesse, but right now Bobby is “living his best Hammer life.” That is very time-consuming, so I hear.
Judges’ Score: 20/30

In jeopardy this week are Evanna and Keo and Tinashe and Brandon. WHAT IS HAPPENING? Neither of these two couples should be in the bottom two, and yet, tonight, we say goodbye to Tinashe and Brandon. It’s sad because Tinashe was consistently on top of the leaderboard and sad because Brandon made such a strong impression in his first season as a pro. What a roller coaster of an episode, huh? How is everyone holding up?

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