Who cares which couples got eliminated? People are getting engaged!

By Maggie Fremont
October 05, 2016 at 01:11 PM EDT
ABC/Eric McCandless
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Is your heart pounding yet? Have some sweat on your brow? You guys, it’s a double elimination on Dancing With the Stars and if you’re not even the least bit nervous what that could mean for some of our couples, please check your pulse.

Before you settle in for an hour of filler, there is some important business to take care of up front: SASHA PROPOSES TO EMMA. These crazy kids have always been the cutest couple in the DWTS family, so of course everyone is immediately bawling. She says yes and more crying ensues. Love is alive and it lives on the dance floor. Well, except for when you get axed from the show. Then love is dead and nothing in the world makes sense. This show is a roller coaster of emotions.

Okay, now it’s time for some filler. We’ve got behind-the-scenes footage. We’ve got a Derek Hough performance. We’ve got a dance by our male pros choreographed just for me, I’m assuming. But what we’ve got first is a little performance by DNCE. I know three things about DNCE: Joe Jonas is their lead singer, they are super into cake, and they like some vowels more than others. That’s three more things than what I know about the other musical guest, Zara Larsson. She’s here for the youths.

There’s not a ton new to learn about what went down on Cirque du Soleil night, but here’s a quick rundown for those who need a refresher: Laurie and Val got a perfect score for their Michael Jackson routine and some other stuff happened, too. None of that is important. Okay, okay. Marilu needs to loosen up a bit. Calvin received rave reviews but was still down on himself after his Charleston. Megatron’s a perfectionist! Then we’re forced to relive both the awkwardness of Amber and Julianne’s reconciliation and Babyface’s disaster of a tango.

Some great stuff happened, too. Did everyone know that Maureen McCormick was BFF with Michael Jackson? Now you do. Terra’s confidence grew exponentially after her well-received samba. James is also confident — so confident, that before they performed it was Sharna who needed help with her nerves. It was also a great night for Jana, who for the first time didn’t cry after performing. Vanilla Ice successfully channeled a graceful gazelle. And Ryan looked the best he has all season, probably thanks to his Friday pizza and wings.

Alas, not even a routine that features both a shirtless Derek Hough dancing next to a drum-playing Derek Hough can stop the double elimination. There’s little fanfare for the first elimination of the night, which happens about halfway through the show. First to exit the ballroom: Babyface and Allison. We shall always be grateful for your gift of an X-Files-themed Argentine tango.

Three other couples are put in jeopardy:

James and Sharna

Vanilla Ice and Witney

Jana and Gleb

When all is said and done, the second couple going home after Cirque week is: Vanilla Ice and Witney. Witney speaks for all of us when she says she’s really enjoyed her time with Vanilla Ice because he’s taught her “so many things about life and positivity and about raps.” So with a heavy heart, Tom and Erin must tell Ice one final time to go ninja, go ninja, go.  

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