September 24, 2013 at 06:46 AM EDT

First of all, a huge congrats to Our Pro Derek Hough, who won Outstanding Choreography for his work on Dancing With the Stars at Sunday’s Emmys! And a bit of news: Derek’s sister and seasons 4-5 winner Julianne Hough will be guest-judging the show in two weeks, while Len Goodman is away on official sparkle business (judging Strictly Come Dancing across the Pom Pon Pond). Watch Our Pros react to Julianne’s guest judge-ship over on Inside TV.

Keyshawn Johnson and Sharna Burgess will never have the chance to earn a 4, as they are the first couple eliminated from season 17 in the series’ first-ever Monday night performance/results show/sob session. This show was basically Everything, jam-packed into two hours. (And yet there was still time to shine the annoying “in jeopardy” lights on the couples in the last few minutes.)

I’d have liked 20 seconds more of dancing in each segment instead. But I’m greedy. I’m like Keyshawn Johnson and Derek Hough in the face of their partners’ boobs.

Who had the better Motorboat tonight? At first I couldn’t decide, but Amber looks like she’s merely tolerating this while Sharna is a bit more effectively faking her ecstasy. So I’m giving this one to Keyshawn. A stunning consolation prize!

(Motorboating With the Stars sponsored by Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.)

Anyway, Week 2. Latin Night already! It was so blatantly spicy that Tom became Tomas. Just like that. Olé, Bergeroné! Oh my God, no, that doesn’t work.

Will the judges please reveal their scores? Carrie Ann Inahhhhhh-ber!

Corbin Bleu and Karina Smirnoff: 26/30 In a segment called “Two Pros Dance a Jive,” Corbin and Karina paid homage to High School Musical by using the judges’ table to facilitate that signature leap from the movie poster. Everyone in the Glitter Pit (Tom’s nickname this week for the Sexy Bus Stop — keep ’em coming!) looked stunned at Corbin’s confidence and skill level, though they must’ve had some sense of it. He’s a professional.

High points of this segment for me included Len’s assertion that Corbin had “100 percent gotten to third base,” Snooki’s staggering “not impressed” facial expression, the way Karina’s high-heeled spats blended into her white knee socks, and Karina’s genuine bewilderment that apple pie is American. She is the best — and perhaps even better in geek glasses.

NEXT: Mark hikes up his shorts, for your…pleasure?

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