The first season 13 contestant trots home; LMFAO performs

By Annie Barrett
Updated September 21, 2011 at 04:32 AM EDT
ABC

Dancing With the Stars

S13 E2
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On the first week of season 13’s competition, Dancing With the Stars bid farewell to the biggest mouthful our fair Planet Mirrorballus has ever seen: Ron Artest a.k.a. Metta World Peace and his partner Peta Murgatroyd. Heavens, no! He’ll just have to go play ass-grab (which he admitted was his favorite part of the cha cha cha) with someone else starting tomorrow. Or tonight!

I’m disappointed I won’t be further pondering what kind of all-encompassing never-before-seen sandwich something called a “meta pita” would entail, but at least this crazy dude was gracious in his goodbye and got the chance to plop his sparkle-brimmed hat on old-timey comedy star Tom Bergeron during the first hour. Also, I lied — I’m never going to stop thinking about that sandwich.

Can I get a standing ovation right now for Tom for pulling off these monstrously “liiiiiiiiiive” two-hour results shows? He has to be such a chatterbox and cover so much turf. Luckily he’s started perching himself on Level 3 or so of the new sky-high white lacquer staircase, so he can better survey his empire, listen closely for the opportunity to make wise-guy Titatnic quips, and consider some of the world’s biggest questions, such as “How do you solve a problem like Rob Kardashian?”

(I hope you didn’t take my suggestion seriously and get up out of your computer chair. That’d be insane.)

Rob and his dirty talkin’ partner Cheryl Burke joined Nancy Grace and Tristan MacManus “in jeopardy” this week. As far as I can tell, this still means nothing and is not the same as “in the bottom three.” Let’s move on to….

THE TOP 7 (“SEH-VEHHHHHN!”) MOMENTS OF THE RESULTS SHOW

7. “I forgot the contra-check!” –the increasingly lovable David Arquette via WDWTS (Ballroom Floor Radio. Tune into channel 666 on your AM dial!)

6. “I’m afraid of Cheryl Burke.” –Chaz Bono

5. “Maybe we could be roommates! Where does he live?” –Carson Kressley, who’s taken over as this season’s Maks-obsessive in chief. (“Call me!”)

NEXT: Time to mock the dreaded DWTS Troupe. (It’s tradition!)

4. The stunning “shapes of things to come” provided by Our Pros’ silhouettes at the top of the gold-fringed opening group number to Lady Gaga’s “Edge of Glory”

3. During Harry Connick Jr.’s performance, we were treated to a lengthy zoom-in on a trumpeter other than our old fave, Impeccably Manicured Trumpeter. Not only was he bathed in too much light, but there was a dazzling heap of colored light-gems behind him, so it was almost like the cameras were deliberately not highlighting his nails. I have never sounded more nuts than I do right now.

2. “You’re more girly than any guy I’ve met.” –Hope Solo to Maks. (They’re gonna work on media training.)

1. Carrie Ann and an open-shirted Bruno WTF Tonioli gyrating atop the judges table during the Lacey-licious “Party Rock Anthem” number by LMFAO.

Wait. I have a new number one: The adorable group bounce/hug after Chaz was called safe! Biggest awwwwww moment so far. Keep ’em coming.

So I guess that entire list has been rendered incorrect. I think we’ll all live.

Oh no — it’s another DWTS Troupe! DECOYS, ALL OF THEM. We’ve got three fresh decoys for season 13: A hobby gymnast from Australia, a “rock chick,” and a Victoria’s Secret Angel who will serve as “the sexy one.” It’s like in Love, Actually when the Wisconsin girls have convinced each other there’s only one “sexy one” (in the form of DWTS alum Shannon Elizabeth, no less), even though everyone sitting there is super hot. This Troupe seems to have a lot of fun together, especially Sasha, whose signature moves seem to be a) flying somersault and b) thing where he runs up to the “cute, smiley one” as if he’s going to jump-straddle her, but then instead of her standing there and supporting all of his weight, she half-falls to the ground and suddenly he’s the one standing there. Oh Lord Mirrorballus in disco heaven, save us — save us, please.

“We’re young, we’re sexy and we’re stealing the dance floor. What more do you guys want?” Sasha asked. Nothing, nothing. How dare you dazzle us with your every move? It’s all so terrible!

HIDDEN GEMS OF THE WEEK: FULL HEAP HERE!

You know I’m just kidding about the Troupe, right?

Happy with who went home, DANCMSTRs? Do you think Val ever did see the end of Titanic? Maybe he’ll want to watch it with us at our next slumber party.

See you next week!

XOXO,

Fringe Fairy

Annie on Twitter

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