A sweet star stumbles home, Toby Keith performs, and Maks delivers an epic soliloquy about his own hotness

The sweetest girl in the world, supermodel survivor Petra Nemcova, left the ballroom in tears last night. Maks almost cried. Even I sprouted a surprise tear, and my heart is made of gemstone. I shall miss Petra and Dmitry mightily. Congratulations to them on a good dancing run and an excellent takeover of the DWTS Perfectly Pretty People throne from former royals Alec and Edyta. Kirstie Alley and Chris Jericho were the ones named “in jeopardy” this week, but I’m guessing the DANCMSTR nation suspects that Kendra Wilkinson and her vicious menstrual cycle might have been in the actual bottom three. Who knows? Really disappointing elimination. I loved the hand-heart Petra made at the very end of the telecast.

Toby Keith was on hand to Americanize the ballroom even further on this patriotic week 5. First, Maks and Lacey joined the DWTS troupe for “Should’ve Been a Cowboy.” This was a blur of white ruffles and denim, and Maks’ beard looked more severe against a collar and tie (on a sleeveless shirt, of course). So much can change in the absence of a tank top. Lacey was perched higher on her final pose than any of the other women, so that Our Pros could assert their dominance over Our Troupe. We didn’t get to see Lacey’s dismount, but Tom laughingly said “Very graceful, Lay.” Just sayin’, those three words make up pretty much the best compliment you could get after someone watches you roll around on the floor with Maks. Later on, Jonathan and Anna (yes!) returned to the ballroom for “American Soldier.” Anna’s very clean-cut hubby looked more like Gilbert Blythe than ever here. Nice zoom-in on his wedding ring at the end. American values! I bet she whips that tremendous fiery mane all over him….IN BED. Oh, Gil!

Of course, my favorite results show segment this week was “Dancing With the Stars: EXPOSED,” featuring the ultimate hidden gem — the DANCMSTR vanity plate behind Psycho Mike! Hello, my dream office. Too bad I only have the lame magazine-insert version of that huge poster of the fringed skirt — and just one computer screen — in my own office. Boo-hoo, Barrett.

NEXT: “I’m like a stick that’s been dipped into a boiling pot of sex.” I really just need to transcribe everything Maks said in “EXPOSED” — this was possibly his greatest rehearsal-footage soliloquy ever. It might even be funnier in print form. They should keep an faux-ancient “scroll” of this speech in a time capsule beneath the ballroom floor, or just in front of the judges’ table like that massive eagle. Here it is, in all of its “American” glory.

I’m not cocky. I just know what I’m doing. And I know I’m f—ing sexy! It’s not a cockiness thing. It’s — I’m not blind. I have a very good vision. I see myself, and I go, “Who is that?” Sex. It’s like, sex on stick. I’m like a stick that’s been dipped into a boiling pot of sex, and they took me out and like [circular hand motion] closed, and I just ate it, you know? And that’s what I am. You know. I have common sense.

And I go, “Who is that?” I’M DYING HERE. As I lay dying, my keyboard gently weeps….for Petra.

Oh, I also loved Len’s subtitled “critique” of Carrie Ann and Bruno as they played fingerie (the finger version of footsie? total ew, I know) right in front of his face. “$#%!*&$, the pair of you.” Interesting that there are two dollar signs in there. I guess ABC couldn’t spring for the fancy £ sign — especially during American Week. Good Lord Mirrorballus in dancing heaven, that was a good move.

Second-favorte segment: “THE JUDGES” whining about what the contestants can do better. I’m convinced that these interviews with the bizarrely angled profile shots were an attempt to pay homage to The Electric Company‘s “silhouette” series where the words come out of Hector and Lisa’s mouths. Check it out: “B-. -all. Ball.” (Room!) I loved how the DANCMSTR started to raise his voice during his critique of Ralph. “He goes on full-on like a balloon you have to blow up and let go!” LEN, WHY ARE YOU YELLING? I mean, “mirror ball trophy” should always be yelled, as both Len and Tom know. But that other sentence? Preposterous! “COME ON.”

That audience member who gave Len a Grumpy mug must be an EW.com reader, because for a few seasons I refused to stop calling the three judges (from left to right) Weepy, Grumpy, and Dopey. Rethinking that now: Bruno should maybe be Bashful instead, for the purpose of irony.

“ATTN: Annie Barrett. Louis Van Intensité’s outfit was almost identical to Michelle Tanner’s toolbag friend Derek’s Yankee Doodle outfit from their school play. If you are a true pop culture fan, you will get this Full House reference immediately.” —JS, endorsed by CoolWhipLite, SunBlitz42

“Mini Maks poking out at the beginning of his and Kirstie’s dance. I love tight leather pants on a boring Monday night :)” —Kasedog, endorsed by Ginagm, chopchop, CJ, Erinn

Look for my weekly chat with Tom Bergeron later today.

Update: Here’s Tom! Press the triangle below to hear Our Host in all his American (Week) glory.

‘Til next week, DANCMSTRs — looking forward to Pia Toscano hitting the ballroom?


Fringe Fairy

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