A star heads home and Pia Toscano performs in a two-hour results show event
Pia Toscano Dancing
Credit: ABC

On week 6 of Dancing With the Stars season 12, the ballroom bid farewell to WWE superstar Chris Jericho and his professional partner Cheryl Burke. I’ll miss this roughtastically sexy teddy bear of a man, but it was his time. “This week, we could pretty much feel it coming,” Chris told EW after the show. He seemed at peace with his elimination, especially considering he hasn’t seen his kids in four weeks. “It’s time for Chris Jericho the dancer to step aside and time for Chris Jericho the daddy to come back.” Awww. There’s one way to say hi to your kids. Besides, Chris has to attend the royal wedding this weekend anyway. In a way, we have all already attended the royal wedding together. That Macy’s Stars of Dance performance featuring a grassy knoll and six dancers playing two parts really made me feel like I was there. Not!

Ralph Macchio and Karina Smirnoff joined Chris and Cheryl ‘in jeopardy,” though they were not necessarily in the bottom two, blah blah ballroom.

Tom Bergeron, who gets by with a little help from his imaginary friends, very impressively flew solo for a whole hour during the “Road to the Finals” portion of the liiiiiiiiiiive results show. Ultimate Guilty Pleasure Hanson performed again, and the judges each “counseled” two or three couples from a little box in the corner of the screen during their favorite dances. Basically this meant a lot of ferocious “FULL ON!” commentary from Len Goodman, yelling at us in his typical Tuesday night barking-mad fashion. Here he was on Hines Ward: “Come here, my darling. I need you. I want you. Whoa, ho ho…” Yikes. Coming soon to a ballroom nightmare near you(r pillow): this. Plus, Jennifer Grey, Donny Osmond, Drew Lachey, Kyle Massey, Bristol Palin, and Gilles the Thrill Marini were on hand to lend their expert opinions on the staggering televised ballroom experience. Take it from Bristol: The judges’ scores are not everything. “If [Kendra’s] fans want her to stay, she’ll stay.” Pretty much.

NEXT: Constantine continues his quest to become the new king of all media; NKOTBSB My favorite picture-in-picture moment here was when Bruno imitated Ralph “extending his lines through his hands,” his own hands totally out of frame in that tiny little box! Also great: Ralph’s hilarious awkwardness during the live interview with Tom. “Everyone’s been just…on the ball with saying how we seemed connected.” On the ball?! It does work, but you could tell Ralph thought it was weird before he said it and then just had to go with it anyway. I love it.

Constantine Maroulis and the cast of Rock of Ages showed up with a medley of ’80s metal hits. This guy is everywhere! Last night he sported a James Durbin-esque tail, but shorter. A half-mast Durbs tail, if you will. I will not. I did like Constantine better on Our Planet than I did on the Idol results show a few weeks ago, though not by much. I think the backup dancers helped. Don’t they always? Thank the Lord Mirrorballus for Our Distractions, whoever they may be. Constantine offered some wise words re: chugging along in a reality show: “They’re all gonna be stars for the end of time.” That’s very sweet, if not entirely false.

During the results show proper, NKOTBSB kicked things off with their brand new single, “Don’t Turn Out the Lights.” I could not stop grinning at this total guilty-pleasure nostalgia fest, and I’m proud to say I got even more into it after the DWTS Troupe suddenly swarmed the floor with their yellow, fringed butts. Jordin Sparks and Tom Bergeron were even more giddy about this spectacle than I was! Later on, at the end of an “I Want It That Way” / “Step By Step” combo meal, Peta Murgatroyd and Anna Tre-BUN-skaya popped up for a devastatingly brief 10 seconds to partner Donnie Wahlberg and, as Tom pointed out, “the first star of the first dance of our first-ever show,” Joey McIntyre. Look at this! Ahhhhh, Joey’s blue eyes.

I kept getting the rest of the Boys/Kids confused now that they were all together in a horizontal line in modern-day outfits — not to mention that they are no longer Boys/Kids at all but real, strapping, harmonizing men. But who am I kidding, I got them all confused back then, too. Confession time (skip to page 3 unless you’re crazy enough to continue here): I was never obsessed with either boy band during their heydays. I still have horrible flashbacks involving this new kid (!) at our school in the third grade, who invited me to sleep over at her house only to force me to put on one of her oversize New Kids on the Block t-shirts, knot it in the corner with a purple plastic thing (by no means a gem; plus, she got upset when I didn’t know how to work the knot, which truly made me want to die), and follow the modified choreography she’d come up with for an NKOTB video. I remember distinctly: The only two things that kept me from calling my mom to come pick me up immediately were 1) my guilt about her not having any other friends yet and 2) the fact that her mom was letting us drink regular Coke. Party time! Excellent. Zang. As I foreshadowed above, this anecdote has gotten way out of hand. Nobody cares about my haunted past, and this chick sounds much more qualified to write DWTS recaps than I am. Time to look her up on Facebook and offer her the job.

NEXT: Pia Toscano, the Monday night subtitles, and Hidden Gems of the WeekNational treasure Pia Toscano sounded better on the DWTS stage than she ever did “across the hall” over at American Idol, and by that I mean she sounded freaking exquisite. My initial shock that Pia was wearing neither sequins nor fringe was soon tempered by her overwhelming hotness, which was actually “understated” perfectly in that beige bandage dress. The assets on this girl, my God. (See, naysayers/people who aren’t into Maks? I am an equal-opportunity objectifier, now and forever.) I loved the dramatic split-screen effect of Pia belting it vs. Mark knee-walking or tilt-a-whirling Karina around like a cute little booty-shorted feather (pictured). My favorite dance-related element of this performance was Karina’s “flip turn” (à la swimming) on the judges’ table, but my favorite song-related part, obviously, was Pia’s huge swell of “I’ll Stand by Youuuuuuuuuuuuu“! How do you not love this girl, and how do you not cry as she closes her eyes and really feels it? You must! She’s heaven.

Still, the aftershock of results show tears is always my least graceful moment of the week. The question suddenly hits: WHY AM I CRYING? It’s like Kendra Wilkinson’s vicious menstrual cycle has attacked me.

I still can’t get enough of the Tuesday night “hidden audio” surprises — genius idea to let us viewers in on what gets said during the dances. The subtitles are the best part. “Slow. Go. Slow. Go. Down. Down.” That’s Maks. Am I alone in thinking “sex act” here? The man likes to give direction. Probably should have kept that one to myself. Later on, already on a crying jag from Pia, I completely lost it during Ralph and Karina’s subtitles. The best was when she resumed counting (5, 6, 7, 8, again!) and he finally found his place: “Okay, okay.” This glimpse of their aha/recovery moment made his grateful gaze towards her (when he eventually started swooshing his “cape”) that much more endearing and magical. And then their triumphant finish truly set me off. “I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry,” she kept whimpering. Sweetie, please. Okay?

Of course, then a commercial had to boom out: “Imagine you, with less pain.” WTF, TV? I get it. I routinely sob during reality TV results shows, and this is a problem. My life is a mess. (Apparently Cymbalta can help.)

“Bruno’s face after Len told him he might be having an off night reminded me of Dopey when he finds two blue gems and puts them up to his eyes while sticking his tongue out.” –jessica

Look for my weekly chat with Tom Bergeron later today.

Update: Here’s Tom! Press the little “play” triangle below to hear my imaginary friend in all his alternate-universe glory.

‘Til next week, DANCMSTRs. (Sniff.)

Yours in tears,

Fringe Fairy

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