Dancing with the Stars recap: Stripping Away the Guilt
Pull the shades! Monday was Guilty Pleasure night on Planet Mirrorballus. “The guiltiest pleasure of all is ballroom dancing,” said Tom Bergeron, speaking to Dancing With the Stars viewers directly about our reality TV addiction. Silly Tom. That guy just always wants to talk to me.
One of the greatest GPs of all time? That band of brothers Hanson, who had the huge hit “MMMBop” in 1996. All of their hair is darker now, and their voices are lower and all mature. Why aren’t they still 13 years old? This is totally unfair. When I realized it was Hanson that was producing the vague sound of Lionel Richie’s “Hello,” I honestly nearly died. It was the combination of pure glee-horror and the ensuing knowledge that these boyz who became men would be doing this again and again throughout the show that nearly did me in. Murder on the Dance Floor! (Seriously, watch that after you’re done here. I declare it required viewing for DWTS fans.)
I loved how Tom kept calling Hanson’s snippets “a touch of [whatever the song really was].” The whole thing was so ridiculous that it completely worked for Guilty Pleasures night. There was no disco-ball mold of Lionel Richie’s head, but there were enormous bubbles.
Will the birthday boy and his two babysitting charges please reveal their scores? Carrie Ann Inahhhhh-ber!
Chelsea Kane and Mark Ballas: 28 out of possible 30 I barely recognized Chelsea this week and loved the very feminine updo for their quickstep, not to mention the huge white bow-belt that not too many of us couch-surfing ladies who are not 22 could pull off. The whole look was very Olivia Newton-John in Grease (with a little Frenchie thrown in, due to eyewear), and — as many DANCMSTRs pointed out in last night’s PopWatch post, Mark looked ready to do The Carlton Dance. Mark had twisted his ankle during Monday’s dress rehearsal, but luckily he is of the rubber band species, not human. So he was fine. Chelsea was apparently in it to win it (ewww, get out of my head, Randy Jackson) after a tremendous water fight that, according to Mark, “shows there’s a huge will to win.” If he says so. “I’m getting a suntan, it was so luminous!” cried Bruno, who also pointed out a wobble in the corner. Hmmm. This couple’s routines never stand out to me at the end of the show, so it’s weird writing about them first. She’s good, she’s just not…memorable enough as a contestant. I’m glad she’s doing well, but I’m not rooting for her like I am for some others. I always remember Mark’s weekly quirks better than hers.
NEXT: Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou tacky Titanic heart necklace?
Romeo and Chelsie Hightower: 28/30 Here’s a guy who’s really taken on this “ballroom dancing” thing and spun it into a personal challenge with charisma and flair. At least that’s what the crafty rehearsal footage editing and judges’ comments suggest. Best line from Romeo: “I like your bangs; I’m in love with you.” That is some hardcore bangage right there. The deadly smoke machine actually behaved itself during the middle portion of this routine — I like to think that Enthusiastic Chimes Lady had been put in charge and was deftly, yet delicately, pushing the DSM’s buttons. Romeo remembered to keep his head up during their waltz, and the perfect score from Carrie Ann was the very first 10 of the season. Seems like just yesterday that Weepy, Grumpy, and Bashful were whipping out the 5 paddles. Time flies when you’re feeling guilty! During the waltz, Chelsie’s light blue dress had amazing movement and, once again, took on the life of a third member of their dance team. I kept imagining it as a friendly rush of water darting mightily around the tip of the iceberg, a.k.a. Len Goodman’s heart.
Hines Ward and Kym Johnson: 27/30 Compelled by the sudsy force of what Tom called “the mutant bubble machine,” Hinz washed up for his big Viennese waltz backstage with his sparkly back-scrubber and shower cap. I’m gonna need a results-show segment about the glitter-skinned elves responsible for coming up with all these random sequined props. Our dear Hindquarters Ward has become very fond of winking — to the judges, to the audience, and even to us. And the biggest wink of all: Hines’ recollection of his singing-in-the-shower habit: “I felt like the water was all of my fans.” ADORABLE. Then he went and mapped out his choreography football-diagram-style and used his lair’s hottest throw pillow as a make-believe Kym. AMAZING. You keep this silly s— up, Hines, and you’re the winner. The couple incorporated a porch swing into their Viennese waltz — a huge step up from Chris and Cheryl’s stationary bench. I loved the strong yet graceful non-lifting drag across the floor; those can look so heavy-handed sometimes. Carrie Ann called Hines out for the ultimate crime — thinking while dancing (dancethink, if this were 1984, which it kind of was this week) — but Bruno had nothing but praise for the couple’s flawless chemistry. They are “made for each other like two birds in love, chasing each other on the spring sky.” Do I smell next week’s promo?
NEXT: The sex stick dips himself in chocolate
Kirstie Alley and Maksim Chmerkovskiy: 26/30 A freshly (Brazilian?) waxed Maks took the liberty of dressing as a chocolate-dipped sex stick for the samba this week, which re-begged the question of a recent EW.com Lunchtime Poll: Chocolate or Maks? He did have a shirt on, but it was open to the waist. That’s what we like to see. The week he buttons up is the week they go home. Just kidding — I think they’ll easily make the finals with their undeniable chemistry and Kirstie’s “wiggly bum” that “sent shockwaves through the airwaves” (quoth Bruno, who else?). In case we weren’t sure where to look during their samba, Maks helpfully pointed out both his and Kirstie’s asses. That’s the stuff. Speaking of stuff, at one point, Kirstie was adorably resting her head in Maks’ lap on the rehearsal studio sofa as he tried to convince her that the stuff she had to fix was miniscule. “Convince yourself you have the core of it,” he urged her. Seriously, Kirstie. Go on and grab ahold of the core of the meaning of life, which lies directly under your weave! The DANCMSTR appreciated all the technical crap Maks threw into the choreography here, especially “those stationary samba walks.” Stop speaking Britzillian, Len. I can’t understand a word you’re saying!
Kendra Wilkinson and Louis Van Amstel: 25/30 Kendra looked so fresh for this samba, considering she’d just birthed a “LOVE CHILD” baby Len this very week. Gross. Louis Van Intensité rightly encouraged Kendra to finally release her inner beast with the sexy Brazilian party dance. “Can you let go of your hair? Toss it around like an animal?” Louis totally wishes he had hairography hair. Kendra played along to the max, sporting some crunchy black braids in her wild mane à la “Drrty”-era Christina Aguilera. The fringe on her skirt was decidedly shorter than the fringe covering her non-God-given boobs. A Guilty Pleasures night marvel! Our little bunny eventually ended up atop the judges’ table, because of course she did. Bruno waved around what I can only hope was a one dollar bill (a hundred, or even a five, would just seem wrong) in the presence of The Revenge of the Stripper: The Attack of the Killer Boobs. Even Len attempted sex-speak here: “The more you gyrated, the more I palpitated,” he faux-panted. I loved how everyone acted like a Kendra Wilkinson striptease was the ultimate birthday present for Len. As Tom said after rolling footage of Bruno in a thong, “Nicely done.”
NEXT: Wax on, wax off, we all fall down
Ralph Macchio and Karina Smirnoff: 24/30 Their paso doble — so strong otherwise — was marred within its first few seconds by Karina taking a tumble. With her pencil-thin heels and the ridiculous train on Ralph’s costume, it’s no wonder. I can think of no earthly reason he should have worn such a thing, but then again, Planet Mirrorballus is in another universe entirely, one which orbits THE COVETED MIRRORBALL TROPHY. Damnit! I was really pulling for them here, especially after their uber-cute rehearsal footage, in which Karina bossily counted out “And-a-one! And-a-two! And-a-three!” while incorporating the “wax on, wax off” moves from The Karate Kid. He was lovin’ it! She was so into it! “F— yeah,” she told the mirror. It was such a magical moment. “You’re a good matador,” she remarked, with true affection. Come on, you two, you’re killing me here. Also “Everybody Dance Now” is such a hilarious and apt guilty pleasure song choice for Dancing With the Stars. (I know it’s called “Gonna Make You Sweat,” but nobody calls it that.) After the fall, Ralph just wanted to talk about it during the dance, which was also cute. I cannot get enough of this guy, or Karina when she’s with him. Their finish — when she ran fearlessly into the floor and he caught her — was awesome.
Chris Jericho and Cheryl Burke: 22/30 Chris attempted to bring to the tango the same full-throttle intensity he brings to the stage as the lead singer of a band…inspired by Journey. Don’t stop believing that you’re Steve Perry, is what I always say. No, I have never said that, but it’s an excellent mantra in the ballroom and in life. Unfortunately, Bruno wasn’t feelin’ it. “I know you went for a rock thing, but you turn into a lump of granite,” he lamented, and the judges agreed that Chris’ tango was too studied and lacked passion. But Bruno did throw in a complimentary line about the dance being “tight and clean.” Fellow DANCMSTRs, don’t you think Chris Jericho gives off a “tight and clean” aura just by standing there? He’s still standing, yeah, yeah, yeah. Bruno knows a thing or two about that.
Bruno politely called Tom a “bitch” right after he rolled this choice footage. Nicely done.
Here’s that other video I wanted you to watch.
If you missed it last week, listen to my post-results chat with Tom Bergeron. As he points out, “If I can send you video from my car, the least I can do is give you audio from my dressing room.” In this installment: Tom’s drinking habits, his thoughts about Mt. Judgemore, and an explanation of his beefy-armed Twitter profile pic!
Press play on the little triangle above to hear Our Host in all his American (Week) glory.
EW.com’s Fringe Fairy
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