As another dancer is booted from the ballroom, it's Tom Bergeron's booty that steals the show
On week 4 of Dancing With the Stars season 11, it was bye-bye to Situation, The and his partner Karina Smirnoff. We learned that he had left Monday night’s confessional in a fit of rage over his low tango scores. It was either that or his bulging pecs were dying to dance their way out of that little room. Look at Karina, left to roll her eyes alone! It was a SHOCKING SCENE. Not really, though. At the end of the day, it was very clear that The Situation was making an earnest effort. He just wasn’t good at ballroom dancing, and the judges never felt like blowing smoke up his lower situation. During The Sitch’s final interview, Tom Bergeron, who’s used to stretching, told him he’d happened to watch an episode of “The Jersey Shore” with his daughter and would gladly have sat through a marathon. Ommmmmmm.
Bristol Palin/Mark Ballas and Kurt Warner/Anna Tre-BUN-skaya were deemed “in jeopardy” last night. But, as usual, this means nothing! It’s almost an insult to your intelligence that I’m even telling you!
Confession on a Dance Floor: When Tom mentioned the miners, I immediately thought of hidden gems.
I Should Not Have Admitted: That.
Dmitry and Chelsie were back for the second night in a row (yes!), and the pros who danced with them to the Goo Goo Dolls were Jason Glover and Chantal Aguirre. Three So You Think You Can Dance alums on one stage! (You could tell by their bare feet and the way much of the dance took place from a seated perch at the edge of a raised platform.) Both of last night’s musical-guest performances, along with the Macy’s Stars of Dance flurry of very skilled Argentine tango-ers, made me wonder just how much of my life has been spent squinting really hard to determine whether or not the pros in the Tuesday exhibitions are Our Pros. Even though I know that any pro is by definition a lovely dancer, I’m always a tiny bit let down when the camera zooms in and the species in question is not the master race. They’re decoys! Ah, the Tuesday night squint. Keep Audrina away from my horror show of a face — she might get a secondhand wrinkle.
That Florence and the Machine number struck me as something that in a bizarre alternate universe (or maybe the ’80s) might make a cool Sesame Street segment on how to count to three. The quick cuts among the tiny circular platforms with either 1, 2, or 3 dancers…the quirky music…the odd, kindly singer-lady floating on a cloud in a rustic gown..I don’t know, it just all seemed to fit. The kids at home would get to shout out how many writhing, ballroom-esque dancers they spotted on the different platforms. It would be fun! I guess you’d just have to bank on the children not cowering in fear from the scary creatures clawing at the camera. This is but a wee issue.
Speaking of Florence and the Machine, Mama Brady told Brooke Burke backstage that she had encountered nothing but glowing praise about her randy rumba with Corky on Monday night. Shhhhhh. No one tell Florence Henderson about the internet.
NEXT: The magnetic pull of the Bergeron behind.
Let’s talk about this cast’s persistent sexual harASSment of Tom Bergeron. Sure, Annie. I will talk to you. Great. At one point “backstage,” the cramped space (courtesy of ACOUSTIC WEEK) left Our Host standing with his back to a sea of dancers, totally exposed. After three rewinds, my best guess is that Florence went in for the kill first, then Tony, then everyone. If he hadn’t scooted away slightly, I assume the scene would have turned into something out of The Birds — a swarm of hungry hands fighting each other to achieve the perfect cup.
Now, I can sympathize with how difficult it must be to keep one’s hands off of the Bergeron Buns, especially when they’re right there, fresh out of the oven and prime for biting. I have to say, though, I miss the good old days, when Maks and Mel would manage to sneak a pinch past the cameras and it was sort of an inside joke. The sexual harASSment of Tom Bergeron on Dancing With the Stars needs to be a lot more exclusive. We can’t have the entire cast blindly groping for his ass during every liiiiiiive show. This isn’t ‘Nam; there are rules. The dancing dudes must abide.
I’m thrilled to report that Brooke called Len “The Dance Master” (correct vanity license plate spelling: ‘DNCMSTR’) before his classroom segment. In more depressing news, this will be the highlight of my October. Len walked his misbehavin’ students through the basic requirements for each score from 1 to 10, complete with clips of seasons past featuring some really good dancers plus Billy Ray Cyrus. It was full-on DWTS nostalgia for a few seconds. I liked the clever editing surrounding Len’s lesson that “A 9 from me is a 10 from Bruno and Carrie Ann virtually every time.” So true. According to Len’s blackboard, Kyle, Maks, and Rick all had DETENTION, whereas Brandy and Audrina were listed under GOOD JOB. Audrina was stunningly believable as an airhead who just didn’t get it.
Hello, tiny mirrorball behind Bristol…we see you!
Another filler segment, set to “Black Betty,” showed us a day in the life through the eyes of a DWTS contestant. Since we couldn’t see the filmers’ faces, I’ll just have to assume that Kurt Warner is the proud owner of a pink alarm clock. Pinkies up! Other notables: Corky shoving a camera man out of a rehearsal studio, giggly supermarket sweethearts (more filler segments involving shopping, please), a marvelous hidden gem of an enthusiastic high-fivin’ security guard, and a “TALENT/DANCERS ONLY!!!!” sign composed with about as much fervor as a signature Tom Bergeron “Liiiiiiiiiiiiive!”
NEXT: A few GEMS for your enjoyment!
I’ll leave you DNCMSTRs with a hearty sprinkling of Hidden Gems — and a reminder to head over to PopWatch to see all of Your Hidden Gems of Week 4 in their sparkly, freshly mined glory. Bristol’s screaming sister! Lacey’s crazy rehearsal clothes! Judge Judy!
“During their “coming up next” teaser when Cheryl was playing with Rick’s Clark Gable mustache, he looked very Monty Python-esque. Like a Terry Gilliam drawing with the big cheesy smile and white tux.” —orville
“Hidden Gem: The twirl and dip Maks gave Brandy [in the background]!” —Karikata
“Gem – reflection of the crew member yawning as Audrina talked about getting wrinkles” —Molly J, endorsed by iggy, Katja, Wondering, orville, MLM
“Carrie Ann, Len, and, Bruno were playing “air” violin, piano, and accordion.” —Beatrice, endorsed by Mrs M, Kaye, Glenn, kfran
“Lacey’s ‘I am squishing your little head’ move to Tom as they got ready to show her and Kyle’s rehearsal footage.” —Jo, endorsed by caspad, Blue, Emma, and glenn
“Looks like Corky has his own hidden gem!” —Carmella
“Tiny dancers pleasuring Tom during the Jen/Derek intro — from the front, for once!” —EW.com’s Fringe Fairy
Annie on Twitter: @EWAnnieBarrett
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